Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:06     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oof, OP. Yes, it sounds bad. But I also think you are catastrophizing in a harmful way. Quitting your job over the volunteer requirement without talking to the school, asking about scheduling, asking about specific jobs, etc. was not a rational decision. What I am hearing here sounds a lot like your mental illness, and I think it's a good idea you are getting help.

My kids go to a school with an even higher volunteer commitment (2 hrs a week per child plus yearly commitment). I work full-time at a demanding job, as does my husband. So I get it. But the schools know parents work. They want to work with you. So I get my hours done, but in chunks. I also use professional skills on my own time, and that also counts. Finally, the reality is that these hours are rarely rigid. Although it gets others upset, there are plenty of parents at my kids' school who just simply don't do it. There are others who cannot do it and the school works with them. It's simply not going to be as rigid as you are insisting. It's just not. And there will be after care, babysitting, nanny options, etc. for pickup.

So my question is are you addressing the mental health issues that have led you down this path? Have you discussed your anxiety and rigidity with your counselor? It's terrific you have a counselor, that's a great first step.


We did talk to the school. They told us it's their decision whether to charge us for missed hours or revoke DD's admission, with the tone that said "If you're asking, we're leaning towards expulsion." It was horrible. I almost cried right there in the interview, because they were so rigid and DH was giving me that look that said we'd talk about it later. But what was there to talk about?

I honestly don't understand 2 hours a week with a demanding job. I don't. When you have specific hours (and keep in mind customers were already annoyed that I was going to have a time zone change), I don't see being forced to volunteer as realistic.

Yes, I've talked to my current counselor. This all stems from hyper-strict parents and a miserable childhood. I feel like I'm being vaulted right back into it. Not just feels - I AM being vaulted right back into the rules and discipline and punishments and I'm not sure how to cope. We're working on it, but even he says it's not a healthy situation - said homeschooling would be the best FOR ME if I could cope with losing my job and if it was best for DD. I'm not willing to go that far yet.


Of course they were more rigid in the interview. That's because they want people to take the situation seriously. That doesn't mean that the requirement is rigid in reality. I also wonder if your mental state caused you to overreact to what was said.

Your decision to quit was irrational, and I think the product of mental illness which causes you to catastrophize. A rational approach would have been to take leave or vacation at the beginning of the school year, to get the lay of the land, and then to spend time sorting out logistics. I feel for you, because I know mental illness clouds the mind, but this really isn't as impossible as you are making it.

My DH and I have managed 2 hrs a week per kid for years and we have demanding jobs. We do weekend shifts, we do at-home work, and once a month we do in-classroom and go into work late. It's been years and it's been fine. In fact, enjoyable much of the time.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:04     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"


You don't. Your manager doesn't give a shit about this stupid volunteer requiremnet, and neither should you. Stop worrying about it. Concentrate on what's important: your JOB. Do whatever little crap stuff they need (see PPs) about making copies, stuff you can do at home at night/weekends, the odd on site volunteer requirement. Who the hell cares if yuo hit 100 hrs? Don't worry about it.

Your manager also doesn't give a shit about your husband's job, nor should he. Not his problem. There are no issues revolving around deployment, plenty of people have no spouses and work while rearing children. Stop acting like such a victim and just get on with your job--tell him what he needs to hear, which is that you have a plan for how to get your work done. None of the details on your life need to be included, just show him that you CAN DO YOUR JOB. That's what he cares about.


You're missing the point. I can't do my job anymore, especially my early morning responsibilities - that's why I quit. I understand that. He needs someone reliable, and I'm not reliable.


No I didn't.

Of course you can do your early morning responsibilities. why are you different than everyone else?
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:03     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m not trying to be harsh but you either change things or get a hold of your anxiety with meds. Or both. Why does every military wife I know constantly have anxiety? Because of all the issues you raised.


I'm on meds.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:03     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"


You don't. Your manager doesn't give a shit about this stupid volunteer requiremnet, and neither should you. Stop worrying about it. Concentrate on what's important: your JOB. Do whatever little crap stuff they need (see PPs) about making copies, stuff you can do at home at night/weekends, the odd on site volunteer requirement. Who the hell cares if yuo hit 100 hrs? Don't worry about it.

Your manager also doesn't give a shit about your husband's job, nor should he. Not his problem. There are no issues revolving around deployment, plenty of people have no spouses and work while rearing children. Stop acting like such a victim and just get on with your job--tell him what he needs to hear, which is that you have a plan for how to get your work done. None of the details on your life need to be included, just show him that you CAN DO YOUR JOB. That's what he cares about.


You're missing the point. I can't do my job anymore, especially my early morning responsibilities - that's why I quit. I understand that. He needs someone reliable, and I'm not reliable.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:01     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"


You don't. Your manager doesn't give a shit about this stupid volunteer requiremnet, and neither should you. Stop worrying about it. Concentrate on what's important: your JOB. Do whatever little crap stuff they need (see PPs) about making copies, stuff you can do at home at night/weekends, the odd on site volunteer requirement. Who the hell cares if yuo hit 100 hrs? Don't worry about it.

Your manager also doesn't give a shit about your husband's job, nor should he. Not his problem. There are no issues revolving around deployment, plenty of people have no spouses and work while rearing children. Stop acting like such a victim and just get on with your job--tell him what he needs to hear, which is that you have a plan for how to get your work done. None of the details on your life need to be included, just show him that you CAN DO YOUR JOB. That's what he cares about.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 12:00     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:Why does your manager need to know about the volunteer requirement? He needs to know if you can do the job or not.
You make a plan and say: I will be online x to y with z hours unpaid leave or whatever per month to meet my family’s needs. You owe your boss a workable plan you can stick to but not all the details of your life. Don’t get sucked into sharing more info than you need to.
I say this as a manager myself. I have a 50 people office reporting to me (direct and indirect) I am sympathetic to everyone’s family needs etc. but I do not need or want details. I want them to work with their supervisor on how they will meet the firms needs while not burning out etc. a plan can also be changed within reason and to accommodate short and long term needs.

However a totally different tack it to use this move as a chance to rest, regroup and work on your mental health, anxiety and reconnect with your kids without having the stress of work deadlines. I was taking with a mom who was laid off in restructuring and she took a couple years off with early elem kids in school. Had a couple great summers with them, fixed up their house, planned fun travel, taught herself to cook fancier things and her kids too.


He already knows details because I'd asked a few months ago about the possibility of swapping customers with a coworker - me dropping Europe and picking up the Americas or something else. It was originally handled very professionally and in a "here's what I can do and my ideas for solving the world shortage" manner. He didn't go for it, and it led into a conversation of why. He's sympathetic, but he'd rather have someone reliable. I get that.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:58     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
OP, I’m not trying to be harsh but you either change things or get a hold of your anxiety with meds. Or both. Why does every military wife I know constantly have anxiety? Because of all the issues you raised.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:57     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Why does your manager need to know about the volunteer requirement? He needs to know if you can do the job or not.
You make a plan and say: I will be online x to y with z hours unpaid leave or whatever per month to meet my family’s needs. You owe your boss a workable plan you can stick to but not all the details of your life. Don’t get sucked into sharing more info than you need to.
I say this as a manager myself. I have a 50 people office reporting to me (direct and indirect) I am sympathetic to everyone’s family needs etc. but I do not need or want details. I want them to work with their supervisor on how they will meet the firms needs while not burning out etc. a plan can also be changed within reason and to accommodate short and long term needs.

However a totally different tack it to use this move as a chance to rest, regroup and work on your mental health, anxiety and reconnect with your kids without having the stress of work deadlines. I was taking with a mom who was laid off in restructuring and she took a couple years off with early elem kids in school. Had a couple great summers with them, fixed up their house, planned fun travel, taught herself to cook fancier things and her kids too.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:55     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"

Why do you need to tell him about this requirement? It sounds like you don't even know whether it entails work during business hours.


I don't see how it couldn't affect work in any manner? My company is big on outside activities not affecting work. No moonlighting, etc. With telework, this becomes an even bigger issue.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:53     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"

Why do you need to tell him about this requirement? It sounds like you don't even know whether it entails work during business hours.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:51     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
If, somehow, I bet my manager for my job back, how do I also let him know about this volunteer requirement? Like, exact words? He doesn't understand DH's job or even issues revolving around deployments, so I know his first question will be, "Why does it all fall to you, and how will you work this to make sure we're not impacted here?"
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:49     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
OP, the volunteering might not be too bad. My school volunteer experiences were mostly admin tasks like making copies which didn't really require me to interact with anyone aside from a friendly nod at any other volunteers who were around and asking the teacher what I had to do. In fact, I often listened to books while I did my tasks. Also, there may be tasks you can do at home, like pulling together the school directory. Don't be afraid to ask for the tasks that you're comfortable doing and to say that your strengths are in certain kinds of tasks and will best serve the school.

Hang in there; I know change is hard. Try to keep telling yourself that it will get better.

Hugs.

Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:46     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:OK, 100 hours a year is not that much volunteer work. I bet you can do things at home, like cut out 75 paper pumpkins or shit like that.

Your real issue is that you seem to have no agency in your own life.


Well, yes. But I'm not really allowed to have it. I've had to turn down promotions, turn down some fantastic travel...I can't even do volunteer work of my choice because of DH's schedule (I wanted so badly to do CASA, but...). I know single parents manage and I'm not even a single parent, but it feels like I'm juggling too many balls.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:44     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
OK, 100 hours a year is not that much volunteer work. I bet you can do things at home, like cut out 75 paper pumpkins or shit like that.

Your real issue is that you seem to have no agency in your own life.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:39     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:YOU are choosing to be a total doormat and martyr yourself and then complain you have “no choice.”

YOU are choosing not to exercise any of your choices.

I predict you will do nothing about any of this and be medicated and miserable the rest of your life. But please realize this was not DONE TO you. You allowed it to happen.


Do you particularly enjoy kicking people when they're down?


NP - but I think OP might need some tough love....


She does.


I get enough from my husband, thank you. "You knew what this life would be like when you married me." I don't need to be continually told that I'm the cause of this. I'm aware it's my fault. Believe me, I GET IT.