OP, you need to be having different, more clear, more effective communication with your husband.

Get a therapist who can help you w/ that. I'd recommend someone trained in the Gottman techniques and approaches. You would find that you are a serious contributing factor to the marital problems because of your contempt - it's one of the worst indicators of a failing marriage.

I see nothing in this lengthy thread that indicates you are open to viewpoints or approaches that don't reinforce your existing thinking. So you don't really want help - you just want support to leave the marriage and blame it's failure on your husband.

I don't think you're blameless and I don't see a marriage that can't be saved.

Anonymous wrote:I remember turning down a job for ESPN in my 20s. They get off on paying well below market for any function because of smucks like OP's husband thinking it is so cool.

It was not cool to get $40k/year with more hours in NYC in 2004 when I could make 3x that here in DC with not so much hours.

Priorities. Your priorities (budget, kids, spending time golf/working nights) do not line up.

Not smuck its Schmuck. And it means penis. And OPs H is certainly being one.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmuck_(pejorative)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is a dream job for little boys, not men who have little children. He needs to get a promotion into position with normal hours. This is what parents do.

Sure if he was a she you would be all over the OP for crushing her dreams. The privilege of being a woman is taking a dream job while the man has to take a job that brings in the money. When the man complains about being the money cow everyone tells him to shut up. OP needs to man up and be an adult.

It would be interesting to see how advice differed if the genders were reversed. However, I doubt people would be telling OP to suck it up. I think more would be saying to leave and you could find someone that would be a better spouse. It’s rare, but I won’t say never that a guy is the big earner AND the default parent while he is married and wife is barely there pursuing her low paying dream job.
We still find it acceptable for a male to ignore his children for a job while a female is not held to that same standard of parenting. The big earner male situations are typically the spouse asking if earning a big paycheck is a substitute for spending time with family and having some parenting responsibilities. Usually the answer if you want to stay married, hard to change someone so the answer is to outsource everything possible and weigh the pro/cons of working and the stress it adds to do everything. For OP, that doesn’t work because she is both the high earner and default parent. And the whole unilateral decision of OP’s husband to take the job was BS. I’ve called that out no matter what gender.

I was also wondering about stress induced cancer because I want to know what to look out for in my own health—I’m freaked out by the thought that my challenges in reducing stress could cause freaking cancer!

I feel like you can only control you. You can quit your job. I don’t know what you do. If you said, I missed that. But surely taking a leave of absence using your cancer diagnosis as an excuse would be not terribly unusual.

A lot of you are missing the fact that when he does have free time he chooses not to spend it with his wife. A lot more going on and I don't think it's his job.

I remember turning down a job for ESPN in my 20s. They get off on paying well below market for any function because of smucks like OP's husband thinking it is so cool.

It was not cool to get $40k/year with more hours in NYC in 2004 when I could make 3x that here in DC with not so much hours.

Priorities. Your priorities (budget, kids, spending time golf/working nights) do not line up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

It is a dream job for little boys, not men who have little children. He needs to get a promotion into position with normal hours. This is what parents do.

Sure if he was a she you would be all over the OP for crushing her dreams. The privilege of being a woman is taking a dream job while the man has to take a job that brings in the money. When the man complains about being the money cow everyone tells him to shut up. OP needs to man up and be an adult.

There we go! Here's some real gas-lighting folks! THe selfish absentee "husband" is the victim I say!

See how crazy and selfish OP is that her absentee husband pulling in peanuts while she does everything at home, at work and with her cancer is? How dare she ask him to get a different job so he can be present for the family, kids and her. How dare she!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

It is a dream job for little boys, not men who have little children. He needs to get a promotion into position with normal hours. This is what parents do.

Sure if he was a she you would be all over the OP for crushing her dreams. The privilege of being a woman is taking a dream job while the man has to take a job that brings in the money. When the man complains about being the money cow everyone tells him to shut up. OP needs to man up and be an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.

He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.

It is a dream job for little boys, not men who have little children. He needs to get a promotion into position with normal hours. This is what parents do.

More like his dream life. No cares in the world, wifey is taking care of the income, children, house, herself. He can just do his 3pm to 2am entertainment job. Until he dumps you for not being fun enough like the groupie chicks he keeps meeting.

he's gaslighting you good if you think this is a normal family life for ol' sonny by to have his shit pay, shit shifts dream job.

more like a dream job for a 22 yo single guy sharing a house with 3 roommates.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was trying to get fired from being someone's DH, this is how I'd act.

Inter sting theory. This is how he passive aggressively gets OP to be the one to pull the plug, not him pulling it.

OP here: Honestly, I don’t want to get fired, Donald. I wanted to figure out if I was crazy for wanting to quit.

Still undecided. FWIW.

PP here. No, I meant that HE'S trying to get you to fire him. That way you look like the bad guy for leaving, not him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was trying to get fired from being someone's DH, this is how I'd act.

Inter sting theory. This is how he passive aggressively gets OP to be the one to pull the plug, not him pulling it.

OP here: Honestly, I don’t want to get fired, Donald. I wanted to figure out if I was crazy for wanting to quit.

Still undecided. FWIW.

gentry wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

gentry wrote:Option k....we’ll give you what you need

OP here:

I keep laughing from this. Hahahahaha.......there are far too many ways to respond to this and be in the wrong forum.

Well too bad you posted as anonymous otherwise such a conversation might be a deserved distraction for you.

OP here: Thank you for your consideration.