I'm also team girl. If the girl's own father didn't have her back, then of course the girl should have called out the adult on his inappropriate comment. We have a 17 year-old daughter. I just read the original post and a few comments to my husband and asked him what he would have said to his friend in this situation. He said, "I'd probably say...What the fu#@ did you just say?" I would hope that most fathers would defend their daughters and call out anyone (friend or not) who says something inappropriate to their child.

Anonymous wrote:There is no way this happened. No way. As a prior poster said, it is inconceivably far from the realm of possible things to say to a teen.

OP here. It did happen, unfortunately, and yeah, I was there. The friend had been drinking beer with my brother and was probably mildly drunk.

I'm not the mom, but the aunt. The girl is my niece, and my brother her dad.

What I said after my niece left the room has caused a massive rift with our families. My niece was planning to spend the summer with me, but now is not allowed to come. I just feel so sad for her; she's so unhappy, and not just because of this. My sister-in-law seems to really dislike her own daughter. I don't know what happened to my brother: he wasn't like this years ago, and he used to be close to my niece when she was younger. When I'm around them, I get a creepy kind of vibe, as if my sister-in-law is somehow jealous of my niece, who is her daughter. It sounds bizarre and I haven't ever seen anything like it, but my poor, poor niece. They are so hard on her, and she's really a great kid. I don't understand it, but there seems to be little I can do.

My sister-in-law, when told of this episode, merely said that my niece "can be mouthy."

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

You do you, but, there is no way I’d teach my teen daughter that she needs to be kind or respectful to men who make rude jokes about her sexuality.

I’d actually hope that she would tell him to get the F out of her house (since she’s a host (in a way)).

There is no way this happened. No way. As a prior poster said, it is inconceivably far from the realm of possible things to say to a teen.

Is this your ex husband?

Were you there?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents need to teach sensitive Larla to lighten up. By your own admission she's insecure about the fact that she has no boyfriend. Pandering to her insecurity, allowing her to believe that everyone should be handling her insecure little self with kid gloves is doing her no favors.

Parents like the PPs on this thread are why we have legions of snowflakes in college.

But the rude douchebag is such a snowflake that he can't handle someone telling him he's insensitive? Come on, don't be an idiot.

excellent point! What's wrong with that guy, can't he take a little criticism? He can dish it out but he can't take it. Snowflake indeed.

Sorry for going off the topic, but I don’t understand men who pressure their teenage daughters to date, moreso regard their dating life as an accomplishment.

Anonymous wrote:Parents need to teach sensitive Larla to lighten up. By your own admission she's insecure about the fact that she has no boyfriend. Pandering to her insecurity, allowing her to believe that everyone should be handling her insecure little self with kid gloves is doing her no favors.

Parents like the PPs on this thread are why we have legions of snowflakes in college.

But the rude douchebag is such a snowflake that he can't handle someone telling him he's insensitive? Come on, don't be an idiot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

How would you want her to respond?

She responded with Grace and maturity! At my house, it would take an "F YOU GARY!" for me to MAYBE quietly take my child aside to remind her that wasn't the best way to deal. But this kid's response was totally fine under the circumstances.

And in my house, if one of my friends said that to my daughter and she responded with "F U GARY!" I wouldn't blink an eye.

Come on, people. Don;t you see how perverse it is to demand respect for someone who is acting completely disrespectfully? Use your heads.

I was team teen girl from the start, and commented to that effect earlier. But coming back to this thread made me think about whether I would really confront an adult joking this way to my daughter.

That led me to a mental exercise, in which I tried to picture myself joking with the neighbor's teen boy (fully grown and handsome and 19). I tried to picture myself joking "so, do you have a girlfriend?" and then following that up with "what, are you gay?"

It is just SO inappropriate and so far from the realm of possible things I can picture saying, even to a boy who is legally an adult.

So, yeah. I'm more strongly than ever in the camp of damn disturbing thing to say to a teen (or to anyone), and dad owes daughter a sincere apology, with reflection on his attitudes.

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

How would you want her to respond?

She responded with Grace and maturity! At my house, it would take an "F YOU GARY!" for me to MAYBE quietly take my child aside to remind her that wasn't the best way to deal. But this kid's response was totally fine under the circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:My husband would be down one friend. No way he would stand for someone talking to our daughter that way. No way.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

I think she did handle it with grace by telling the friend he was insensitive.

No reason why if friend acts like a jackass a 16 year old can’t call him on it. It’s one thing to be respectful to adults, it’s another thing to teach your kids to just take it when they get treated like crap. Speaking up was allowable in this situation, IMHO.

This!

My husband would be down one friend. No way he would stand for someone talking to our daughter that way. No way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

Vomit. What that man said was totally inappropriate. It wasn't an "intrusive question," it was a comment in the form of a question that was really intended to embarrass that girl. And she responded in a perfectly polite manner. She didn't call him names, she didn't use profanity, she told him the comment was insensitive, which it was, and left. Why would she want to continue a discussion with perverted homophobic middle-aged man? He should feel awkward about being a skeeve. And her father should be ashamed of himself.