Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Was it sad for the kids when DH was traveling and not even there for multiple days in a row?

Sexist double-standard employed at just the time when DW is re-establishing career.

OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

If you are concerned that your wife is wiped and comes home and vegetates, ask HER what would help HER. Coming home early may not be an option - some offices require face time to move up. some people have bosses who walk the halls and see who is there at 7pm and take mental note. Life was all about you for 7 years. IF you earn 500K, you can afford whatever supports she needs. But, it's not about what you need but what she needs. Is she happy vegging on the couch? Is she OK with not eating with the kids? Maybe you can do breakfast together instead of dinner. Stop trying to fit her in the traditional expecatations box when she already SAHMed for 7 years. She deserves a career too and not everyone gets to have it all at the same time. (You didn't clearly.)

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

lol

TRUTH

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

OP here.

We have a cleaning lady and I have found a trusted babysitter - just confirmed it with her last week.

Yes, yes and yes. Whenever we do have sex, I make sure that she is satisfied before I get my needs taken care of. I'm no slouch.

How long do you go after she is done. More than 5 minutes will kill your sex luge.