Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 13:18     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:Imagine you are a normal single girl. You spend your time working, partying, dating, going out, sleeping in, traveling on a moment's notice. You spend your money on clothes, grooming, and things that are important only to you. Your stress level is non-existent. Your responsibilities to anyone who isn't you are zero.

Now imagine ten years later you are a mother of three small children who also works and owns and house. Your entire life is devoted to people other than you who need you because they can't do shit for themselves. The entire responsibility for how these people turn out is on your shoulders. You HAVE to hold down your job to pay for your house. You HAVE to put dinner on the table every day because the version of you ten years ago could have been happy with chips and margarita, three young kids who look at you expectingly every evening will decidedly not be. You have to juggle a million thoughts and responsibilities in your mind. The last time you slept in was under general anesthesia for your last C-section. Your body is OK for your age but three pregnancies and births have written their own stories all over it. You buy stuff for yourself occasionally with what's left after serving all other needs. You love your life. But it has nothing in common with how you lived ten years ago.

Then you read an indignant account from a DCUM poster who says, why aren't you exactly like you were ten years ago???

And you say, because my life is no longer what it was, and I wonder how it is that you don't know it.


You sound like an incredible martyr without any help at all from your pathetic spouse! We at DCUM are proud to have such an incredible story of strength among us. How can you possibly keep going under those conditions? No wonder you don't want sex!

But..... why are you still married to such a worthless lump of flesh? Divorce him now! Single motherhood will be much easier for you. Or, find a new man who is an equal partner, one who you actually want sex with.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 13:10     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:How often did you take her on date nights when you were dating/first married? How often do you do that now?

How often did both of you sleep in and just spend weekend mornings chatting or going for a walk hand in hand? How often do you do that now?

I have a friend who used to spend every single evening laying on the couch and cuddling with her husband before children came along. They do not have the time to do so now.

So what if women claim that men do not do these things as often anymore because the husbands reject them? What if they say that when their husbands do not do these things they feel unloved?

Marriage, especially with children, changes. It is not just the physical strain; there are emotional strains as well. Children get sick, children are falling behind in one way or another(behavioral challenges etc.). These things cloud minds and make it difficult to engage focus or entertain the warm feelings sometimes needed for sex.

And women change. Their biology does. It has nothing to do with you being rejected or them not loving you. You said for better or for worse in your vows. For worse should include your wife not liking sex as much as she did in the past. You can't make it about you and your feelings of rejection when you know it is not true.


Although less frequent, we still go on regular date nights, still spend evenings on the couch or weekend mornings in bed. Due to time constraints, it is not as often, yet not a 7 fold reduction (per the sex every 3 weeks PP). Here is the thing though: my wife has never come to me expressing her feeling of pain and said that she feels unloved because we go on fewer dates. Neither has she ever really invited me on a date/cuddle on the couch/stay in bad where I have just "rejected" her. Maybe she's lost some interest in those things?

I don't believe she feels rejected or unloved over any of those things. But if she did, and if she approached me about it, I would DEFINITELY take her needs seriously, and I would move heaven and earth to find a way to resume meeting her continued need for more dates or whatever it was. I never disliked any of those things, so I am fine with doing those however often she needs, even if otherwise it would be much less frequent.

You have barriers due to emotional or physical strains? If those kinds of things prevented me from meeting an important need of my wife, I would actively participate in drastic restructuring of our lives, or ask for help, or whatever it took for me to be able to meet her needs.

Please explain this biology change of women. You mean PIV is less pleasurable? Fine, there a thousand other fun ways to have "sex" so that lack of PIV need not limit frequency.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 12:18     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.


Imagine you are a normal single girl. You spend your time working, partying, dating, going out, sleeping in, traveling on a moment's notice. You spend your money on clothes, grooming, and things that are important only to you. Your stress level is non-existent. Your responsibilities to anyone who isn't you are zero.

Now imagine ten years later you are a mother of three small children who also works and owns and house. Your entire life is devoted to people other than you who need you because they can't do shit for themselves. The entire responsibility for how these people turn out is on your shoulders. You HAVE to hold down your job to pay for your house. You HAVE to put dinner on the table every day because the version of you ten years ago could have been happy with chips and margarita, three young kids who look at you expectingly every evening will decidedly not be. You have to juggle a million thoughts and responsibilities in your mind. The last time you slept in was under general anesthesia for your last C-section. Your body is OK for your age but three pregnancies and births have written their own stories all over it. You buy stuff for yourself occasionally with what's left after serving all other needs. You love your life. But it has nothing in common with how you lived ten years ago.

Then you read an indignant account from a DCUM poster who says, why aren't you exactly like you were ten years ago???

And you say, because my life is no longer what it was, and I wonder how it is that you don't know it.


You described me perfectly (three kids, career yada yada) including the C-sections! But I never saw sex as a chore or an obligation because it was fun and relaxing. It was a wonderful break from the dawn to dusk craziness. It lacked the wining and dining of my pre-kid years and sometimes was simply a quickie but it worked. I did a lot of the initiating so it could be on my schedule and the turndown rate was very low! Even now as empty nesters sex continues to be important to us but it's nice to being back to wining and dining.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:25     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
If men really did have shitloads of testosterone in their systems, the low-T industry wouldn't be where it is.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 11:20     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.


Imagine you are a normal single girl. You spend your time working, partying, dating, going out, sleeping in, traveling on a moment's notice. You spend your money on clothes, grooming, and things that are important only to you. Your stress level is non-existent. Your responsibilities to anyone who isn't you are zero.

Now imagine ten years later you are a mother of three small children who also works and owns and house. Your entire life is devoted to people other than you who need you because they can't do shit for themselves. The entire responsibility for how these people turn out is on your shoulders. You HAVE to hold down your job to pay for your house. You HAVE to put dinner on the table every day because the version of you ten years ago could have been happy with chips and margarita, three young kids who look at you expectingly every evening will decidedly not be. You have to juggle a million thoughts and responsibilities in your mind. The last time you slept in was under general anesthesia for your last C-section. Your body is OK for your age but three pregnancies and births have written their own stories all over it. You buy stuff for yourself occasionally with what's left after serving all other needs. You love your life. But it has nothing in common with how you lived ten years ago.

Then you read an indignant account from a DCUM poster who says, why aren't you exactly like you were ten years ago???

And you say, because my life is no longer what it was, and I wonder how it is that you don't know it.


You've got to throw hormones into that equation. Men will look at all of this stuff and say, "yeah, my life is a lot more work too, but I still want to have sex." (We can get into a food fight about which gender has it worse -- but I think it's fair to say both genders have increased responsibility as they age). The reason men mostly still want to have sex and women often find their desire flat-lining is that men, relative to women, have shit loads of testosterone in their systems -- making their sex drives much more resistant to stress.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:59     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.


Imagine you are a normal single girl. You spend your time working, partying, dating, going out, sleeping in, traveling on a moment's notice. You spend your money on clothes, grooming, and things that are important only to you. Your stress level is non-existent. Your responsibilities to anyone who isn't you are zero.

Now imagine ten years later you are a mother of three small children who also works and owns and house. Your entire life is devoted to people other than you who need you because they can't do shit for themselves. The entire responsibility for how these people turn out is on your shoulders. You HAVE to hold down your job to pay for your house. You HAVE to put dinner on the table every day because the version of you ten years ago could have been happy with chips and margarita, three young kids who look at you expectingly every evening will decidedly not be. You have to juggle a million thoughts and responsibilities in your mind. The last time you slept in was under general anesthesia for your last C-section. Your body is OK for your age but three pregnancies and births have written their own stories all over it. You buy stuff for yourself occasionally with what's left after serving all other needs. You love your life. But it has nothing in common with how you lived ten years ago.

Then you read an indignant account from a DCUM poster who says, why aren't you exactly like you were ten years ago???

And you say, because my life is no longer what it was, and I wonder how it is that you don't know it.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:13     Subject: Re:s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
I have the exact issue OP describes. I adore my husband and find him attractive, but we both work full-time and have 3 kids and I'm exhausted at night. Completely identify with that feeling of despair that comes from yet another person demanding something of me. But I don't feel that way at all in the morning. Over time, I've realized that it works out great if I initiate if we both happen to be awake in the middle of the night. I also will set my alarm early if it's been more than a few days. Night time encounters are mostly limited to weekends when I'm more relaxed.

It has been really helpful to change the dynamic where he's the main initiator and I sometimes turn him down.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 10:08     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.


If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.


Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.


Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.


Of course sex is important. However, is it important enough for you to leave because you do not have it frequently (pp mentioned once every two to three weeks so it is not like they have no sex at all). That sounds regular even though not to your liking.

There are many things that happened with frequency at the beginning of marriage that can no longer happen for several reasons.

Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.



How often did you take her on date nights when you were dating/first married? How often do you do that now?

How often did both of you sleep in and just spend weekend mornings chatting or going for a walk hand in hand? How often do you do that now?

I have a friend who used to spend every single evening laying on the couch and cuddling with her husband before children came along. They do not have the time to do so now.

So what if women claim that men do not do these things as often anymore because the husbands reject them? What if they say that when their husbands do not do these things they feel unloved?

Marriage, especially with children, changes. It is not just the physical strain; there are emotional strains as well. Children get sick, children are falling behind in one way or another(behavioral challenges etc.). These things cloud minds and make it difficult to engage focus or entertain the warm feelings sometimes needed for sex.

And women change. Their biology does. It has nothing to do with you being rejected or them not loving you. You said for better or for worse in your vows. For worse should include your wife not liking sex as much as she did in the past. You can't make it about you and your feelings of rejection when you know it is not true.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:52     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!


I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.


Good grief you are awful.


I don't understand why this is awful. Sex is important to DH. DH is important to me. So I have sex even if I don't enjoy/want it. This whole thread is about how to actually want it again. I guess the answer is weed and/or testosterone cream.


How about cannabis-testosterone cream? They already put weed in lotion, lip balm, hand cream, etc. We’ll save the marriages of America and make millions.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:48     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!


I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.


Good grief you are awful.


I don't understand why this is awful. Sex is important to DH. DH is important to me. So I have sex even if I don't enjoy/want it. This whole thread is about how to actually want it again. I guess the answer is weed and/or testosterone cream.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:38     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:any women tried testorone cream? I know some drs will prescribe it off label. Hard to get the dosing right so it doesn't masculinize you but some women swear it was life changing for them.


Guy here. My wife was on testo creme for a few months. It certainly seemed to work for her. Our frequency didn’t go up dramatically - we were already at 1-2x per week but she definitely quit turning me down while she was on it. Also, I could tell she got much more lubricated than usual and her O’s were much more intense and shakey.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:23     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.


If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.


Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.


Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.


Of course sex is important. However, is it important enough for you to leave because you do not have it frequently (pp mentioned once every two to three weeks so it is not like they have no sex at all). That sounds regular even though not to your liking.

There are many things that happened with frequency at the beginning of marriage that can no longer happen for several reasons.

Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.


Stop working and bringing in money and see what happens in the marriage.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 09:02     Subject: Re:s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Weed
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 07:32     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.


If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.


Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.


Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.


Of course sex is important. However, is it important enough for you to leave because you do not have it frequently (pp mentioned once every two to three weeks so it is not like they have no sex at all). That sounds regular even though not to your liking.

There are many things that happened with frequency at the beginning of marriage that can no longer happen for several reasons.

Name one other important thing (which your partner has expressed is a relationship dealbreaker) that was frequent while dating/early marriage but now "no longer happens"?

Imagine you are a normal drive male wanting sex 2 or 3 times per week. You find a girl who checks all your boxes AND shares your passion for sex, and you have a mutually satisfying sex life (2 or 3 times per week) for a year while dating, another year post-engagement until wedding day, then another few years until the babies start coming. Maybe there's a slowdown (but NOT a dead stop!) with an infant, but that is a very brief period in a long marriage with an established history of a regular sex life.

So at this point, why would a wife now decide our sexual frequency should drop from every 3 days to every 3 weeks (a 7 fold reduction), despite my honest expression that this is an important need and I feel unloved when she rejects me? I have a difficult time coming up with any good "reasons" for such a drastic change, other than my wife does not actually love or care about me any more, that I am no longer important to her, that our marriage is not a priority for her.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2018 00:17     Subject: s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?
Anonymous wrote:^^ “Putting it inside” is the last step of turning someone on, at least a woman you’ve been with for a while. I know for me, I need plenty of foreplay/playfulness/other touching before I’m in the mood enough for actual PIV insertion. But yes, when we’ve done all that, it feels good. It’s a mind issue, and the body follows.


if you know this, then why don;t you just make it happen? i dont get it. let me tell you , a person goes insane living with someone that denies them sex. I know. I went insane living with a DW that was happy to never have sex again. left that wet fish and life is good again. normal. as nature meant it. someone is wrong with many women in the modern era.