I'm a low libido spouse, we have small kids, and I have wicked long term depression. I prioritize sex very highly, despite all of that, but it takes a lot of inner/personal work. With that said:

Even with unfortunately low libido, I cannot imagine saying I'd be happy never to have sex again. This is because my husband is amazing in bed, and it is earth shattering. So it helps a lot in trying to get myself to a receptive place (which is my main obstacle, getting myself open to it in a given moment) to know that if I can become receptive, it's going to be GOOD.

There was a time earlier in our marriage, when I first started struggling with poor libido and decided I care a lot about our marriage and therefore care a lot about fostering a good sex life, that we had to face things head on and have some uncomfortable conversations. But it was NEVER "fix this or I'm outta here", it was "ok, we have different libidos, what can we do to meet in the middle?" - I bought us each a book to read, and I can't even remember what they were, but it helped for us each to be working on improving sex, like it wasn't just my issue (even though we obviously knew I had an issue), but we approached it as a couple. I wish I could recall the book he read, but it definitely resulted in better "performance" on his end, in multiple regards. Whatever I read had to do with responsive desire and getting myself to a place of being receptive. Anyway, the takeaways here are (1) it's an issue you both are having, and you both can work on it, actively and together; (2) I don't mean to insult you, but if your wife can imagine never having sex again, then the sex is mediocre. You can always up your game, so take some responsibility on your end as well.

Also, I agree with those saying there's no magical punch list you can perform that will result in more sex with your wife, HOWEVER, very few men realize the power of CONSISTENT long term (not just here and there when they "want some") physical sweetness towards their wives. In the boring day to day, how often do you hold her hand? Rub her back? Give her a hug like you really love her and want her to know? Run your fingers through her hair? Put your arm around her shoulder? Try just giving a shit in these regards ... with consistency, this really does make a difference. If it feels like a guy's just doing it to try to get you in the mood, it's annoying. But if it's a sincere change and just consistently showing that you love her, it can be a game changer. Offer to rub her back, or her feet, hands, scalp, whatever she's into when you all are going to sleep at night - with ZERO expectation of anything back from her (although hopefully she reciprocates sometimes too, if you start doing this regularly), and if that never leads to sex initiated by her, then I don't know what else to tell you. But I very seriously doubt you're doing these things AND good in bed, and still have a wife who never wants to have sex.

Not a low-libido spouse here, but I did get bored with my husband. Yes, he got fat. Yes he ignored me and made me feel inadequate. Yes he did a lot of chores. No amount of chores could make up for the fat and the inattention. We still had sex, once a week on average, although DH claims that one month it dwindled down to nothing (probably true between travel and period). I love sex. But you do grow bored with the DH after a while. Even if he's good in bed, and especially if you lose that emotional connection.

Anonymous wrote:Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

Stop with the choreplay BS...

Anonymous wrote:Women use low libido as an excuse.

Every woman I've known who said this ended up having an affair. All along, the problem wasn't low libido; it was lack of sexual attraction to their spouse.

Barring a health or mental health issue (e.g., painful sex, cancer, or severe depression), the issue is often that, while the woman likes her husband and may even love him, she just no longer feels sexually excited about him. She may even truly believe it's just low libido... until she meets a guy who does excite her. But if her marriage is otherwise good and stable and financially good, she won't leave her husband.

I'm sure that sounds harsh, but I'm just going by a number of situations I've seen, female friends and relatives.

The problem is that other women will encourage the self-delusion that it's low libido by insisting that women just aren't sexual or naturally lose interest in sex. That's not true.

Again, health or mental health issues are different. If your wife is suffering from depression or another illness or is taking medication that has side effects, then what I've said above does not apply.

She will be out on the street if he finds out. And news flash: If either partner is cheating, the marriage is not good and stable

Anonymous wrote:Women use low libido as an excuse.

Every woman I've known who said this ended up having an affair. All along, the problem wasn't low libido; it was lack of sexual attraction to their spouse.

Barring a health or mental health issue (e.g., painful sex, cancer, or severe depression), the issue is often that, while the woman likes her husband and may even love him, she just no longer feels sexually excited about him. She may even truly believe it's just low libido... until she meets a guy who does excite her. But if her marriage is otherwise good and stable and financially good, she won't leave her husband.

I'm sure that sounds harsh, but I'm just going by a number of situations I've seen, female friends and relatives.

The problem is that other women will encourage the self-delusion that it's low libido by insisting that women just aren't sexual or naturally lose interest in sex. That's not true.

Again, health or mental health issues are different. If your wife is suffering from depression or another illness or is taking medication that has side effects, then what I've said above does not apply.

I'm one of these women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

You are right, becuase enough men have bought your brand of kool-aid and cant see anything different. Suffer on!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

My situation is a little different from yours, but similar in other ways. I am 33 (DH 46) we have 2 young children (2 and 4) and I would be ok having sex once a week or less. My DH however wants it everyday so we do it 3 times a week. I am tired at the end of the day, but I make an effort because I know it’s important to DH. While I would be ok not doing it, I do enjoy it while we are at it so it’s not the worst thing.

The next phase of this marriage is her thinking, like the OP's wife, "I know it's important to him but I just don't care enough about that any more to make the effort."

Well I truly hope you are wrong. I am VERY nagging and get upset a lot which might not be pleasant for DH (though he is used to it), but I never keep anything inside so i hope I will never be so bitter and upset at him to not care about him anymore.

Also OP, my DH makes me feel like I am the hottest woman alive and it helps. He is not gentle, sweet and respectful in those situations which I prefer and helps me see sex as totally separate from everything else going on in our lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

That's a little tough to answer. When we have sex about once every 4-6 weeks, she gives every indication of enjoying it. However, with very rare exceptions, she has initiated. She only initiates when she's in the right head space. So, essentially, I'm playing on "easy" mode if she's bothered to bring up sex. It has gotten to where she shoots me down basically every time I tried to initiate. I successfully initiated once last year and that time the sex wasn't particularly good for either of us.

If she enjoys it, then she should make an effort for your sake. There are about 8 days every month (day 1 through 8 of my cycle) when physically I don’t enjoy it or it hurts. I still do it maybe once for DH sake, but it usually is not good for either one of us. I believe in my case it’s hormonal and it changed after having my second child. If your DW does not have this problem and usually enjoys it when you are at it, she should make the effort because she loves you. Same way as my DH watches tv shows I enjoy and does not watched the ones I don’t, etc

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

My situation is a little different from yours, but similar in other ways. I am 33 (DH 46) we have 2 young children (2 and 4) and I would be ok having sex once a week or less. My DH however wants it everyday so we do it 3 times a week. I am tired at the end of the day, but I make an effort because I know it’s important to DH. While I would be ok not doing it, I do enjoy it while we are at it so it’s not the worst thing.

The next phase of this marriage is her thinking, like the OP's wife, "I know it's important to him but I just don't care enough about that any more to make the effort."

I am a 50+ years old DW in a good marriage. Our sex life is important to us and it is a way for us to connect and de-stress as a couple.

The truth is that for most men and women the lack of libido stems from several things 1) Physiological reasons - diseases, obesity, high BP, uncontrolled blood sugar, thyroid dysfunction, diminished levels of hormones, zinc, b vitamins, magnesium, 2) Physiological reasons - depression, stress, anxiety, personality disorders, abuse-adultery-addiction 3) Lack of mutual physical attraction - we are older, saggier, grayer, balder, fatter and more wrinkled. We are not as attractive as we were in our youth. 4) Lack of pleasure - Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, however for women how we get our orgasms is a moving target. In other words, women don't want sex if they are not having orgasms and a lot of time women are not. When sex is not pleasurable then it is at best annoying and at worst disgusting. '

I feel very sorry for everyone who is in the situation of OP. We have finite time in this life to be with our spouses and to have sex. If people are unwilling to have sex due to any reason, they owe it to themselves and their spouses to remedy the situation by finding out the underlying reason(s) and fixing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

Nope, these have nothing to do with it. The amount of work the husband does or does not do has nothing to do with it. You think that a wife is having sex with her husband becuase he does the dishes so now she has extra time so she's laying in bed waiting to get down? Nope. Maybe if the husband is a total ass and does nothing at all this might play in, but I garuantee you that 99% of the marriages where there is little to no sex (either because of the wife or the husband) the partner not getting sex is doing all of these things + whatever else they can dream up. This is a waste of your time, trust me, been there done that. Exact same result.

Yup. That is my experience also. You can dance like a monkey trying to do what you think she needs in order to "want" sex, and all that will happen is she'll invent some new tasks as soon as you're done with the first set.

Anonymous wrote:Op was it this book? https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104

I think so. But, to be clear, my wife isn't reading it -- it was something a friend mentioned reading which led to the discussion about who in the group would be ok never having sex again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

Nope, these have nothing to do with it. The amount of work the husband does or does not do has nothing to do with it. You think that a wife is having sex with her husband becuase he does the dishes so now she has extra time so she's laying in bed waiting to get down? Nope. Maybe if the husband is a total ass and does nothing at all this might play in, but I garuantee you that 99% of the marriages where there is little to no sex (either because of the wife or the husband) the partner not getting sex is doing all of these things + whatever else they can dream up. This is a waste of your time, trust me, been there done that. Exact same result.

These are all excuses for someone withholding sex. It you did x or y or z then maybe sex would be on the table. BS. If there is something you want to do you find a way to make it happen. I doubt there are very few women who don't do things they want for themselves because of any of the reasons stated above.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

That's a little tough to answer. When we have sex about once every 4-6 weeks, she gives every indication of enjoying it. However, with very rare exceptions, she has initiated. She only initiates when she's in the right head space. So, essentially, I'm playing on "easy" mode if she's bothered to bring up sex. It has gotten to where she shoots me down basically every time I tried to initiate. I successfully initiated once last year and that time the sex wasn't particularly good for either of us.

Op was it this book? https://www.amazon.com/Hate-Your-Husband-After-Kids/dp/0316267104