Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

+1
Joint ownership of a house is a nightmare inheritance scenario. The result would almost certainly have been that the house be sold.

This isn't about who was "closest" to your aunt and uncle. They owned the house, they decided how to dispose of it. Their decision is a perfectly reasonable one. There would have been other ways to handle it, but the way they chose is well within the realm of normal.

i co-own a property with my 2 siblings and it is working out fine. it's nobody's primary residence, we divide all costs. everybody uses it on occasion - my sister frequently but stays a short time; i go there less often but stay longer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

technically

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

+1
Joint ownership of a house is a nightmare inheritance scenario. The result would almost certainly have been that the house be sold.

This isn't about who was "closest" to your aunt and uncle. They owned the house, they decided how to dispose of it. Their decision is a perfectly reasonable one. There would have been other ways to handle it, but the way they chose is well within the realm of normal.

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. First I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. As mentioned in previous replies, I fully understand that my initial reaction to this situation was deeply problematic and my interpretation of the situation was wrong - in that my aunt and uncle had quite likely decided together that my sister should get the house, and that it was never right for me to expect anything. I acknowledge this and see that I have work to do here.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to work through my anger at my sister and thought maybe some new perspectives might help. My uncle (married to my paternal aunt) recently signed our grandparents'/his house over to my sister - none of this was openly discussed with my brother or me. I think my sister should have openly discussed this and we should have come together as a family as it was the house our grandparents built. She thinks it was my uncle's choice and there was nothing she could do about it. She and her newlywed husband will be moving in soon. They were renting before and this will be their home now with my uncle still living there with them.

Background - my paternal grandfather and grandmother built a house in the 1970s when they retired. They have both since passed. My dad's sister and her husband lived in the house since the mid-1990's (my father and his brother both passed away young). They moved in to take care of my ailing grandfather and have lived there ever since. My aunt and uncle have no children - my brother, sister and I are the only grandchildren.

My aunt worked hard as a social worker and my uncle is an artist who used to do carpentry but has not worked in a traditional job for the past 20 years. They (mostly my aunt) kept the house in beautiful shape and the neighborhood has become quite popular. My brother lives in the same state - but is not super involved in our side of the family (spends more time with his wife's family). He and my uncle are not close. My then single sister moved back to the state from NYC (where she had lived for 15 years) when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. She moved in with my aunt and uncle and helped out a lot as my aunt was sick and passed away. My uncle and sister are close - as I said she lived with them while my aunt was dying and stayed after for a few months until she moved in with her fiance- now husband (it was a whirlwind romance/elopement). I live in DC area with my husband and two kids. My aunt and I were very close and I have always gotten along with my uncle. The house is special to me as I had lived there in high school with my grandfather - had my high school graduation party there, had my wedding reception there, and spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle when I lived in the state ( I moved away about 8 years ago).

I understand that I could not live in the house - and I understand that it makes sense that my sister live there. But - why not share the financial benefits of the house with my brother and I? OUr family is not wealthy and this is one clear family inheritance. Why is it now just her house? Am I being selfish? At the heart of it is that it was all done without talking to me or my brother about it. She called to talk about which wine glasses or dinnerware I wanted and I found out that way that my uncle had already signed the house over to her. I know I need to get past this for our relationship - any advice on how to do so?

It makes total sense that your uncle would give her the house. Dividing the ownership of a home rarely works out well. If she wants to sell and you don't, for instance. Plus, your sister will be bearing the financial responsibility for an old house--would you be willing to pay the costs of home maintenance for a house you don't live in?

Anonymous wrote:Is there at least a contingency that states that she is not allowed to sell the house, so that it stays in the family? She is part of the family. My uncle has control of my grandparent's house until his death, and then it passes to his remaining brothers and sisters. My brother, sister, and I pretty much grew up in that house, because they were our closest neighbors. At some point, my mother, aunts, and uncles will divide it (although I suspect that my mother will keep her part, since she also owns other land there, and she's not stupid). The rest will sell their parts to one of my uncles, who owns everything except what my mother owns. She's saving it for one of my kids, who is the only one who has expressed an interest in the land. I do think that when something means something special to everyone, not just one person, something should be done to make it as equal as possible. Your brother doesn't sound emotionally invested, but you are. I get that. Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I applaud you for taking the opportunity of using DCUM as a sounding board and sorting out your feelings and reactions here, so that you don't affect your family relationships with trying to discuss these problems with family members. Any discussion with the family members could affect the relationships going forward and be longer lasting than you intend. I think this introspection here is going to be healthier for you and your relationship with your sister moving forward.

While I understand that it was convenient for your sister to move home, she still made the choice to move in with ailing relatives. It's a daunting proposition especially when you are young to be moving into a home with aging relatives knowing that there will always be some burdens on you, your time and your freedom. While she may have had daily help from other family members for the elder care, I can tell you from experience, both mine and a neighbor's that the live-in family member always has more burden than most other people understand. The live-in caretaker is the one who gets to come home to find the toilets blocked up, light bulbs that need to be replaced, heavier items than the relative can carry that need to be moved, and a ton of other tasks that have built up after the other family members went home. Or things that they didn't want to bother the visitors with. This person gets to run the errands on weekends or take time off work when one of the visiting family members has to cancel at the last minute. While it isn't all the time, over a month, season, year, two years, it builds up. Other people get colds, have their own appointments that are rescheduled involuntarily, have a fall, a flat tire, an accident, and a dozen other things happen. The person in the house so often gets to pick up the pieces when the unexpected happens often just "because she's there."

I don't think anyone (or at least not many) who disagreed with you felt that the decision for your sister to move in or for you to continue working and building your life felt were devaluing your own relationship with your aunt or your uncle. No one is saying you didn't visit enough. The point is that you were able to keep your life independent. Your sister had to merge her life with your uncle and aunt by moving in with them. There are a ton of little associations that come with living with someone. Your sister would know that your uncle has a favorite cup that he always drinks his coffee in. That he prefers to keep the newspapers in the room with the morning sun. That he likes jam and not butter on toast. Over the course of two years, even with a lot of help, the live-in person gets to know the relative so well in personal ways. It isn't about how warm a relationship you have with the person. I'm sure you did have a wonderful relationship with them. But your sister will have a familiarity and personal relationship that comes from living with someone to build on. That naturally builds a strong bond.

As other people have said, this keeps the house in your family. Many of the thoughts that lead you to your feeling of entitlement were the milestone experiences that you had in that house. Consider that if your uncle had left the house to his estate, it would have had to be sold for each of you to get "your share". But by leaving it to your sister, the house stays in the family and you have the opportunity for more experiences in the house. Your sister might be open to allowing you to celebrate say a milestone anniversary in the house or some other milestone event. If you are gracious about the disposition of your uncle's house, she will likely be more open about such future events than if you are antagonistic about the disposition of the house or show resentment over this.

Good luck. I think you've done very well over the course of this thread with so many people disagreeing with you. Many OPs are not able to handle opposing viewpoints well in such threads and I commend you for still being open to these thoughts. And for coming back. Many OPs bail on a thread when they get so many opposing opinions.

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. First I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. As mentioned in previous replies, I fully understand that my initial reaction to this situation was deeply problematic and my interpretation of the situation was wrong - in that my aunt and uncle had quite likely decided together that my sister should get the house, and that it was never right for me to expect anything. I acknowledge this and see that I have work to do here.
I will defend myself and say that knowing I am in the wrong here does not stop the fact that I feel hurt. And I know that feeling hurt does not mean that I was right. It just means that I have stuff to work on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.

technically

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to work through my anger at my sister and thought maybe some new perspectives might help. My uncle (married to my paternal aunt) recently signed our grandparents'/his house over to my sister - none of this was openly discussed with my brother or me. I think my sister should have openly discussed this and we should have come together as a family as it was the house our grandparents built. She thinks it was my uncle's choice and there was nothing she could do about it. She and her newlywed husband will be moving in soon. They were renting before and this will be their home now with my uncle still living there with them.

Background - my paternal grandfather and grandmother built a house in the 1970s when they retired. They have both since passed. My dad's sister and her husband lived in the house since the mid-1990's (my father and his brother both passed away young). They moved in to take care of my ailing grandfather and have lived there ever since. My aunt and uncle have no children - my brother, sister and I are the only grandchildren.

My aunt worked hard as a social worker and my uncle is an artist who used to do carpentry but has not worked in a traditional job for the past 20 years. They (mostly my aunt) kept the house in beautiful shape and the neighborhood has become quite popular. My brother lives in the same state - but is not super involved in our side of the family (spends more time with his wife's family). He and my uncle are not close. My then single sister moved back to the state from NYC (where she had lived for 15 years) when my aunt was diagnosed with cancer about 2 years ago. She moved in with my aunt and uncle and helped out a lot as my aunt was sick and passed away. My uncle and sister are close - as I said she lived with them while my aunt was dying and stayed after for a few months until she moved in with her fiance- now husband (it was a whirlwind romance/elopement). I live in DC area with my husband and two kids. My aunt and I were very close and I have always gotten along with my uncle. The house is special to me as I had lived there in high school with my grandfather - had my high school graduation party there, had my wedding reception there, and spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle when I lived in the state ( I moved away about 8 years ago).

I understand that I could not live in the house - and I understand that it makes sense that my sister live there. But - why not share the financial benefits of the house with my brother and I? OUr family is not wealthy and this is one clear family inheritance. Why is it now just her house? Am I being selfish? At the heart of it is that it was all done without talking to me or my brother about it. She called to talk about which wine glasses or dinnerware I wanted and I found out that way that my uncle had already signed the house over to her. I know I need to get past this for our relationship - any advice on how to do so?

Anonymous wrote:It's not a "family house." It isn't owned by your family. It is owned by one person in your family who gets to decide what to do with it--leave it to someone else, sell it, donate it to charity, or freaking demolish it. It is not a family house.