Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 09:01     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This.

You, and the PP you quoted, are unqualified to give advice on this thread. As low-libido women who would happily go months without sex (while not once even thinking about masturbation) your opinions do not apply to a normal libido male any more than:
- a deaf person telling you it's fine to live without music or conversation
- a 91 year old quadriplegic telling you it's fine to not exercise or go out socially
- a siberian husky advising you it's fine to hang outside today without clothes

Please stick to topics where your experience is valid.


PP, you're not the arbiter of whose experience is valid and not valid. I don't know if your condescension makes you feel better or what, but I doubt it helps the OP. I say this as a high libido spouse who doesn't love to hear what the other PPs are saying about their low libidos. It makes me less than hopeful about my own situation. But their perspective does add value to the conversation. Without understanding different perspectives, you'll never figure out how to address problems that arise from those perspectives or how to compromise with people who have them.

Well if they were advising "there are women like us who, for whatever reason, no longer enjoy or want sex: divorce your wife and find a compatible/interested lover" then I would respect that and consider their perspectives highly valid. But they aren't saying that at all, they are suggesting he adopt their negative views of sex, without any compromise. That's far less helpful to OP than my post.


Ah, I see where you're coming from now. Thanks for clarifying.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 08:54     Subject: Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She needs therapy.


is there a thread on this forum where this isn't someone's advice?


When you have it, you realize how powerful it is with a good counselor. When you don't have it, you make reckless decisions with good intention. Critical times, they are warranted.


NP. Ok, but this advice would be much more helpful if a counselor's name were mentioned. I've gone through 3 and about to give up.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 08:53     Subject: Just don't really care
And I will repeat that she is only pulling this because she knows, like my DH and other low-libido spouses that OP and I are staying put in these soul-draining relationships for the ones we really love most: OUR KIDS. If we were childless I would not have stuck it out even 5 years but we kidded up early. Every single day I think about how good it is going to feel to cut that sexual albatross loose when our kids can handle our divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 08:49     Subject: Just don't really care
For high-libido people, a low-libido's spouse's unwillingness to address the disparity reveals an indifference to their needs that damages trust. In the happy low-sex marriages both partners have come to agree on the amount of sex happening between them. The respect and trust endure when two people deal with it together. To pull in another example, if my lifelong dream was to own a beagle and my DH did not want to ever have a dog it would bother me if he made no attempt to find a solution to my desire for animal companionship. Now if DH were allergic to all pets obviously I couldn't hold it against him. But OP's DW has no medical impediment to engaging in regular sexual contact. She just doesn't care enough about him to make the effort or propose viable alternatives. That selfish rigidity cannot be the source of a strong partnership. Lack of physical drive is just an excuse.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 08:34     Subject: Just don't really care
If I were you I would be more concerned by my indifference toward her as a person that you supposedly love than I would about the sex issues.

There are many marriages with little or no sex going on where the partners still love and care about each other as people. I find it very sad that you don't feel this way about her. I don't believe lack of sex is an excuse for that.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:42     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


I sympathize with you... but does that mean your DH gets no sexual activity for the rest of his life? I'm genuinely asking.

+1
Have you been to the doctor? If not, why not? You would try to fix your arm if it was broken- why would you be willing to give up something you used to enjoy and something that is an important piece of your relationship? Without looking into and trying to improve this situation you really aren't being a good partner nor are you being good to yourself, as much as I do sympathize with you. It may be embarrassing to talk about but I hope you'll get past that and seek some help.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:31     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
I’m thinking that your wife has convinced herself that you will never divorce her. She’s worn you down.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:27     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This.

You, and the PP you quoted, are unqualified to give advice on this thread. As low-libido women who would happily go months without sex (while not once even thinking about masturbation) your opinions do not apply to a normal libido male any more than:
- a deaf person telling you it's fine to live without music or conversation
- a 91 year old quadriplegic telling you it's fine to not exercise or go out socially
- a siberian husky advising you it's fine to hang outside today without clothes

Please stick to topics where your experience is valid.


PP, you're not the arbiter of whose experience is valid and not valid. I don't know if your condescension makes you feel better or what, but I doubt it helps the OP. I say this as a high libido spouse who doesn't love to hear what the other PPs are saying about their low libidos. It makes me less than hopeful about my own situation. But their perspective does add value to the conversation. Without understanding different perspectives, you'll never figure out how to address problems that arise from those perspectives or how to compromise with people who have them.

Well if they were advising "there are women like us who, for whatever reason, no longer enjoy or want sex: divorce your wife and find a compatible/interested lover" then I would respect that and consider their perspectives highly valid. But they aren't saying that at all, they are suggesting he adopt their negative views of sex, without any compromise. That's far less helpful to OP than my post.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:08     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This.

You, and the PP you quoted, are unqualified to give advice on this thread. As low-libido women who would happily go months without sex (while not once even thinking about masturbation) your opinions do not apply to a normal libido male any more than:
- a deaf person telling you it's fine to live without music or conversation
- a 91 year old quadriplegic telling you it's fine to not exercise or go out socially
- a siberian husky advising you it's fine to hang outside today without clothes

Please stick to topics where your experience is valid.


PP, you're not the arbiter of whose experience is valid and not valid. I don't know if your condescension makes you feel better or what, but I doubt it helps the OP. I say this as a high libido spouse who doesn't love to hear what the other PPs are saying about their low libidos. It makes me less than hopeful about my own situation. But their perspective does add value to the conversation. Without understanding different perspectives, you'll never figure out how to address problems that arise from those perspectives or how to compromise with people who have them.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:05     Subject: Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, no, no. I don't accept this PP. If sex is important to him ensuring access to it should be important to his wife. If OP were disappointed in DW's unwillingness to, for example, watch the kids so he could attend a religious service to manifest his profound faith then no one would criticize him. OP did not sign up for near-celibacy. Most married people don't. And that is a legitimate desire.


There are people who believe sex is an optional part of marriage, and those who believe it is an essential part of marriage. They will never convince each other, and you sort of know which team you are on.


This is a great summary. Until I married my husband, I thought all men.viewed sex as an essential part of marriage (as I certainly did).

Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:04     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.


Don't be a coward. If you don't try to fix things now, your "just don't care" will most certainly shift to resentment. And then it will be too late. You won't be able to stay once you resent her.

The reality is that happily married couples have sex regularly. Sex is what sustains intimacy and ultimately the marriage. Women and men should understand that, and they should make sex a priority. Twice a week should be the goal (even for disinterested low drive people).

When is the last time you initiated? I'm guessing she never initiates, right? She might be waiting for you to do that. Women like to be pursued...we don't like to be the aggressor. She might be wondering what's wrong if you've stopped initiating. Tip: start with a back rub.


She's not waiting for him to initiate. Sometimes you'll have a situation where all of the other elements of sexual desire are in place but the DW just needs the spark of seeing how much DH needs her to get her revved up. Strong initiations work in this situation. But that's not at all the kind of relationship that OP is describing. Strong initiations where DW is just flat not interested will only exacerbate the problem. She'll feel used and pressured. And, if she submits to the pressure and he goes ahead and has sex with her, she'll feel violated -- all of which will make her even less interested in sex in the future.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 07:03     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This.

You, and the PP you quoted, are unqualified to give advice on this thread. As low-libido women who would happily go months without sex (while not once even thinking about masturbation) your opinions do not apply to a normal libido male any more than:
- a deaf person telling you it's fine to live without music or conversation
- a 91 year old quadriplegic telling you it's fine to not exercise or go out socially
- a siberian husky advising you it's fine to hang outside today without clothes

Please stick to topics where your experience is valid.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 06:42     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.


Don't be a coward. If you don't try to fix things now, your "just don't care" will most certainly shift to resentment. And then it will be too late. You won't be able to stay once you resent her.

The reality is that happily married couples have sex regularly. Sex is what sustains intimacy and ultimately the marriage. Women and men should understand that, and they should make sex a priority. Twice a week should be the goal (even for disinterested low drive people).

When is the last time you initiated? I'm guessing she never initiates, right? She might be waiting for you to do that. Women like to be pursued...we don't like to be the aggressor. She might be wondering what's wrong if you've stopped initiating. Tip: start with a back rub.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 06:26     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This. I have offered DH an open relationship. We'll see how the logistics all work out. Honestly, I think both of us are pretty low libido and out of shape and tired from parenting young kids.

But the kids are getting older and we'll see how everyone feels when we no longer have toddlers. Hopefully I'll regain my interest and he and I can reconnect.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2018 06:08     Subject: Re:Just don't really care
Anonymous wrote:People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...


This.