Anonymous wrote:I hope you're right.

Me too. She has blinders on when it comes to him---almost like she's an unrecognizable person.

I hope you're right.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going out on a limb here, OP. I don't think you and your wife are at all well suited and maybe (since it sounds like you're both young enough to start over and you don't have kids) this should be a red flag for you.

This isn't about whether (as some have suggested) she is willing to put you before her father. This is about whether she is willing to look out for herself at all. It sounds like she's not, and your frustration about her inability to assert herself is not going to be limited to just this one arena. If you do end up having kids with her, you're going to see this kind of poor boundary setting replay itself with your kids. She will devote herself entirely to them (in addition to her work and whatever else) and get frustrated with you when you want time for just the two of you.

I admit to having a very low tolerance for doormat type behavior, but it sounds like you don't have much stomach for it either. I think this is a deal breaker.

OP here. Before her parents moved from NYC she was extremely devoted, attentive, and present with me. She is also normally balanced when it comes to work. It's just with her dad.

I'm going out on a limb here, OP. I don't think you and your wife are at all well suited and maybe (since it sounds like you're both young enough to start over and you don't have kids) this should be a red flag for you.

This isn't about whether (as some have suggested) she is willing to put you before her father. This is about whether she is willing to look out for herself at all. It sounds like she's not, and your frustration about her inability to assert herself is not going to be limited to just this one arena. If you do end up having kids with her, you're going to see this kind of poor boundary setting replay itself with your kids. She will devote herself entirely to them (in addition to her work and whatever else) and get frustrated with you when you want time for just the two of you.

I admit to having a very low tolerance for doormat type behavior, but it sounds like you don't have much stomach for it either. I think this is a deal breaker.

Thanks for sharing the example about driving to NY. That's crazy and I can see why you are getting frustrated with the situation. Your wife needs to figure out why she can't put any reasonable boundaries in place with her father as I agree with you that what she is doing is not normal, not required and ultimately detrimental to her health and your marriage.. I think I would just show her this whole thread and try to have a thoughtful, honest conversation about her role, what she wants, how she is feeling and how you can help. This will take some time so don't plan on an overnight solution, but what's going on now does not feel sustainable to her, to her health or to your relationship. Keep us posted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you all say I need to "drop it" and knock off the disdain, but just trying to convey what I mean when I say DW is drained---
FIL used to live in NYC. He and late MIL moved to DMV a few years after DW and I moved here. FIL will only see his doctors and specialists in NYC. He believes they are the best of the best, and DMV does not have good enough quality doctors. Thus---my wife drives her dad to NYC for medical appointments.

In an effort to be helpful with suggestions, I gave a groundbreaking suggestion of---why don't we find a DMV primary care doctor for your dad? FIL shot that down. Not an option to change or find new doctors.

Can you see why I am on the edge?

Lots of older people do this. Even if they live in a large city with perfectly fine doctors and facilities, they insist on seeing the same doctor they've had for years. If it's an older primary care doctor, perhaps he or she will retire soon and then FIL will have no choice?

From DMV to NYC? That's 8 hours round trip? COME ON

If is someone is ruled by guilt and manipulation, they will.

Ok, I am long winded pp, I missed your update. Her driving him to NYC insane. She needs to drop that right away. That is nothing more than him abusing her and she letting him. As you can tell, I was mostly on her side, but come on. Driving him to NYC for medical appointments? Her dad is a selfish SOB and treats her like crap by making her do this. And she is so used to this narcissistic dad that she can't escape the mental and chore prison he has her in. Show her my post, nobody normal does that. Then them following you guys here? I am sick of older people not cultivating their own hobbies and friend groups and then acting worse than two year olds with their adult kids. Your wife is imprisoned by this jacka** and needs help to break free. You are right, she is drained and has some form of Stockholm syndrome!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

OK, so she is actually managing and doing everything for her dad. Not as you wrote "can't manage," you want her to establish boundaries and she is putting him first, above you, kids? do you have kids?, and even work? Did you post just how sick and how much care does her dad needs right now? When did MIL pass away? If he is not sick that much, then one option might be that on the weekends she brings him to visit at your home, and you can help. Are you underestimating just how much care your FIL needs? Your wife sounds like a nurturer and the fact that she did the same with her grandparents makes it her decision to act this way. On the other hand, ask yourself how often do you say no to your parents and how capable are you of refusing to help your parents, even if it is not an emergency? I bet your all of us here on DCUM are not very good at saying no to our parents. Posts about boundaries are what is keeping this forum alive. Ask yourself honestly why do you resent her and FIL so much? Is it that you are really worried about her, miss her, or are you missing her doing all the chores at home and nurturing you? And if you have kids, then you are now doing a lot more than before? Yes, she should find a healthy division between nuclear family and her dad's needs, but how do you suggest she does that? How would you handle it if your mom kept calling you and asking you to come and she is in a home and ageing and has some health issues? If your FIL is in pretty good health and just being a user, then my post is useless and disregard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does the retirement community have recommended aides or services (like home instead, visiting Angels, and others) who can come by and help with some of the physical needs?

There is some of this that can be outsourced, I went thru this with my parents, and her dad needs to be willing to pay for it. That's usually the hard part. Could both you and his daughter talk to him? See what he can afford, what might be covered by insurance or Medicare (if any) and go from there?

Is there a social worker in the retirement community your wife could talk to? Does he need to move to a place with a higher level of care?

Please support your wife all you can and help her. It is hard OP. The more your wife can outsource the better; it will still be hard to deal with him, but will be more controlled.

Affording is money is not the issue. A part of me thinks she truly does want to outsource, but feels a duty/guilt that she cannot.

You need to insist on marriage counseling. This is tearing apart your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know you all say I need to "drop it" and knock off the disdain, but just trying to convey what I mean when I say DW is drained---
FIL used to live in NYC. He and late MIL moved to DMV a few years after DW and I moved here. FIL will only see his doctors and specialists in NYC. He believes they are the best of the best, and DMV does not have good enough quality doctors. Thus---my wife drives her dad to NYC for medical appointments.

In an effort to be helpful with suggestions, I gave a groundbreaking suggestion of---why don't we find a DMV primary care doctor for your dad? FIL shot that down. Not an option to change or find new doctors.

Can you see why I am on the edge?

Lots of older people do this. Even if they live in a large city with perfectly fine doctors and facilities, they insist on seeing the same doctor they've had for years. If it's an older primary care doctor, perhaps he or she will retire soon and then FIL will have no choice?

From DMV to NYC? That's 8 hours round trip? COME ON

Anonymous wrote:I know you all say I need to "drop it" and knock off the disdain, but just trying to convey what I mean when I say DW is drained---
FIL used to live in NYC. He and late MIL moved to DMV a few years after DW and I moved here. FIL will only see his doctors and specialists in NYC. He believes they are the best of the best, and DMV does not have good enough quality doctors. Thus---my wife drives her dad to NYC for medical appointments.

In an effort to be helpful with suggestions, I gave a groundbreaking suggestion of---why don't we find a DMV primary care doctor for your dad? FIL shot that down. Not an option to change or find new doctors.

Can you see why I am on the edge?

Damn. Yes, I can.

I would give your fil a choice, he either moves back to NY and everything is up to him (you and your wife will help him move, visit him once every two hours months or whatever, help set up all the services he needs etc...) or he stays in DC and his daughter takes him to appts.

That's just crazy OP. But, I have parents like that too so I understand all too well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

The same PP - I'm a woman, by the way, and not a misogynist or what have you. I've just seen plenty of posts by female OPs who complain about their DHs being controlled by MILs. And I think OP's situation is terribly unhealthy and unfair to all involved and you all are doing both OP and his wife a disservice to tell him to help his wife coddle his asshole FIL.

You do you, but the way he is handling it now is clearly not working.

It could be a cultural thing with decades of programming that a daughter's father is the one she must bow to when push comes to shove. It's not going to be easy for OP. FIL knows how to pull the heartstrings just right.

Who cares if it's cultural or something else? FIL is an asshole, doesn't "need" the sort of involvement of his daughter that he demands, and the daughter needs to stop or get help. If she doesn't or refuses, this is her putting her asshole father ahead of her marriage. Inappropriate and wrong.

Anonymous wrote:OP, does the retirement community have recommended aides or services (like home instead, visiting Angels, and others) who can come by and help with some of the physical needs?

There is some of this that can be outsourced, I went thru this with my parents, and her dad needs to be willing to pay for it. That's usually the hard part. Could both you and his daughter talk to him? See what he can afford, what might be covered by insurance or Medicare (if any) and go from there?

Is there a social worker in the retirement community your wife could talk to? Does he need to move to a place with a higher level of care?

Please support your wife all you can and help her. It is hard OP. The more your wife can outsource the better; it will still be hard to deal with him, but will be more controlled.

Affording is money is not the issue. A part of me thinks she truly does want to outsource, but feels a duty/guilt that she cannot.

Anonymous wrote:I know you all say I need to "drop it" and knock off the disdain, but just trying to convey what I mean when I say DW is drained---
FIL used to live in NYC. He and late MIL moved to DMV a few years after DW and I moved here. FIL will only see his doctors and specialists in NYC. He believes they are the best of the best, and DMV does not have good enough quality doctors. Thus---my wife drives her dad to NYC for medical appointments.

In an effort to be helpful with suggestions, I gave a groundbreaking suggestion of---why don't we find a DMV primary care doctor for your dad? FIL shot that down. Not an option to change or find new doctors.

Can you see why I am on the edge?

Lots of older people do this. Even if they live in a large city with perfectly fine doctors and facilities, they insist on seeing the same doctor they've had for years. If it's an older primary care doctor, perhaps he or she will retire soon and then FIL will have no choice?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

The same PP - I'm a woman, by the way, and not a misogynist or what have you. I've just seen plenty of posts by female OPs who complain about their DHs being controlled by MILs. And I think OP's situation is terribly unhealthy and unfair to all involved and you all are doing both OP and his wife a disservice to tell him to help his wife coddle his asshole FIL.

You do you, but the way he is handling it now is clearly not working.

So? The advice given here is terrible. You are telling him to basically enable his wife to engage with FIL - which is causing her significant mental harm and their marriage significant stress. The answer to this problem is not to support the DW to do more of the same. It's to get her to stop.

Or, OP, you get out of the marriage. Because it's clearly not working for you.