Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fights that just repeat and repeat and repeat with zero conflict resolution. Those lead to divorce.

I agree with this that it's not the fighting that's a problem in a relationship, it's whether the couple can rebound from the fight.

In other words, I have a friend and she still talks about hurtful things her husband said in fights from 2 decades ago. They don't sleep in the same room, hate each other, are only together because she doesn't want to lose rights to his family's property (which is worth a lot of money.) In some couples, people say things that hurt the other partner so deeply they can't rebound and/or people hold grudges and can't forgive those hurtful things. Neither person is right or wrong, but if a couple does not rebound from a fight, I think the marriage will fall apart.

What a tragic existence.

Anonymous wrote:The fights that just repeat and repeat and repeat with zero conflict resolution. Those lead to divorce.

I agree with this that it's not the fighting that's a problem in a relationship, it's whether the couple can rebound from the fight.

In other words, I have a friend and she still talks about hurtful things her husband said in fights from 2 decades ago. They don't sleep in the same room, hate each other, are only together because she doesn't want to lose rights to his family's property (which is worth a lot of money.) In some couples, people say things that hurt the other partner so deeply they can't rebound and/or people hold grudges and can't forgive those hurtful things. Neither person is right or wrong, but if a couple does not rebound from a fight, I think the marriage will fall apart.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been on my mind a lot lately. DH’s job changed dramatically in the last year. He now works so many hours and travels so frequently that I have to SAH as my salary wouldn’t pay for the amount of childcare we would need. His salary alone isn’t enough to pay for help for me. So, I SAH and am exhausted and resentful. It is really hard to take care of 3 kids (one with severe SN) without a break. DH refuses to look for another job. His pays less than 100k. Divorcing wouldn’t help the financial situation, so I haven’t brought it up. But the resentment is growing and it’s driving a wedge.

So you resent (1) taking care of your kids (2) not having to work and staying home (3) your husbands job. Got it!

I resent that I essentially feel like a single parent who lives paycheck to paycheck. I literally get no break and my husband is having nice hotel stays and going out for fancy dinners all the time. My mom was a single parent, but had the reprieve of family help all weekend and for several weeks during the summer. I love my kids and being able to SAH, but no one wants to work 24/7 without a break, no matter how much they like their job. With all the work travel, I feel a lot of space growing between DH and I. I hate it.

When I read this, I honestly wonder why did you elect to have three kids? People need to make life choices that are sustainable in their lives. I don't get why this is so hard for people to comprehend?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been on my mind a lot lately. DH’s job changed dramatically in the last year. He now works so many hours and travels so frequently that I have to SAH as my salary wouldn’t pay for the amount of childcare we would need. His salary alone isn’t enough to pay for help for me. So, I SAH and am exhausted and resentful. It is really hard to take care of 3 kids (one with severe SN) without a break. DH refuses to look for another job. His pays less than 100k. Divorcing wouldn’t help the financial situation, so I haven’t brought it up. But the resentment is growing and it’s driving a wedge.

So you resent (1) taking care of your kids (2) not having to work and staying home (3) your husbands job. Got it!

I resent that I essentially feel like a single parent who lives paycheck to paycheck. I literally get no break and my husband is having nice hotel stays and going out for fancy dinners all the time. My mom was a single parent, but had the reprieve of family help all weekend and for several weeks during the summer. I love my kids and being able to SAH, but no one wants to work 24/7 without a break, no matter how much they like their job. With all the work travel, I feel a lot of space growing between DH and I. I hate it.

NP here. I'm in a similar situation. We have a child with SN, had to move and job troubles right at the same time. The result was I lost my job and my husband's new job pay is dismal. I tried my hardest to retrain myself for a new field. I networked my butt off but our new city just didn't offer opportunity. I have never had employment problems EVER! My husband has taken up the yoke by working full-time and going to school full-time. His job pays for the tuition. I worry about the strain on him but he now only has to get through this semester and next. And he can move up considerably at work. It has been so freaking hard. My mom lives in this town and won't lift a finger to give us any time alone. It's constant drudgery and penny pinching. It has been a heroic effort to just not go into debt.

I've transformed from someone with a fabulous career and high level of life satisfaction to a completely frustrated trapped SAH. I started a side business but really there's no end until he's done with school. People just don't understand that you can't always control these things. Sorry PP was so judgemental.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

Admittedly most here would disagree but before you got divorced, did you even once try to sack up and tell your Ex wife to shut her yap? I'll bet not.

We had lots of arguments about it. In the end divorce was the best thing. Turns out we are both pretty awesome parents when apart. We are both very involved with the kids and are very friendly with each other. I realized after I left that it wasn't just me as a dad that she didn't support, but also me as a person and I had become a shell of a person, trying to be who she wanted/needed me to be. Once I left and was able to be myself again, life was so much better. When we were married I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

I hope you got individual counseling at some point. Something is not jiving. It takes two honey.

I didn't but my ex did thankfully. Divorce was 10 years ago. I have been remarried for 5 and its been great. My ex is also remarried to a great guy. Kids are now teens - I see them almost every day. We live close together and all get along.