Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want your husband to fool around, have sex with them. Simple as that. Really if you and your husband are not having sex you need a divorce.

+1
There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. If you aren’t sleeping with him, some other woman most definitely is. Accept that and stay married, or don’t accept it and divorce. But don’t act like the innocent victim, Saint Cheated Upon.

Tons of cheaters cheat while having regular sex at home.

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want your husband to fool around, have sex with them. Simple as that. Really if you and your husband are not having sex you need a divorce.

+1
There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. If you aren’t sleeping with him, some other woman most definitely is. Accept that and stay married, or don’t accept it and divorce. But don’t act like the innocent victim, Saint Cheated Upon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

Or divorce could wake your husband up and require him to be a real parent. Sounds like you’re enabling him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

The bottom line is, I'd rather have an affair than punish my kids for my husband's giving up on work, sex, self-care, therapy, ADHD meds, and social interactions.

What divorce would do to my kids:
--lose their house
--lose their neighborhood and possibly school
--at least 3 days/week with the parent who forgets to buy groceries, sleeps past school wake-up, refuses to clean the house
--at least 3 days/week without the parent who listens to their problems, guides them to stay on track with chores and homework, and makes sure they get nutritious food
--living in two crappy apartments
--finally find out the depths to which their dad has sunk, when I'm no longer trying to smooth it over and participate in his BS story that he's a consultant

What my affair does to my spouse:
--while he's got his face in his computer ignoring the rest of us, I am in a hotel for a few hours instead of at tennis, where I used to be
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer pleading him to find a way toward intimacy again
--the person with whom he stopped having sex is no longer cranky every single day about my sexless life
--the person with whom he stopped having sex, whom he unilaterally forced to be a breadwinner, who has been gently covering for him so he doesn't feel quite as ashamed when with friends no longer resents him so much she can barely stand to be in a room with him
--he is at risk, if he wakes up and does anything about his life after years of being supported, loved, asked to please re-commit to therapy
--probably mean that when the kids are out of the house, his stay in the Wife Hotel will come to an end
--hurt him if he finds out

At the end of the day, I can punish my kids for my spouse's unilateral, intractable, long-standing abandonment of his responsibilities (no way); accede to my spouse's unilateral decision that I be denied sex and intimacy for the rest of his life (no way); or discretely find the love and intimacy I actually deserve, as the one person who makes sure my entire family has the life they would have had if my husband wasn't such a selfish person, if he didn't think that he needed to man up and be an adult.

So I chose option C and I don't honestly care whether some people think it would be better to destroy my kids' lives or sacrifice my own for the truly bad actor in this family.

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:For many cheaters, it’s not really about sex. The number of people you see, especially on here, who don’t really like their spouses is astonishing. But then they have kids, a mortgage, whatever. So one day they come across someone they actually like - the person they should have held out for if only they had known. So they make stupid decisions, or in some cases it is the least bad option on the table. I have seen people with kids and batsh*t crazy spouses with whom the person doesn’t want to leave their kids alone with, which would happen if they divorce, because it’s really hard to get sole custody, especially for men.

Life just isn’t that absolute, and people make do the best they can. And for some of you who cannot see shades of gray in life also don’t see that maybe that rigidity you have is what your spouse wasn’t able to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want your husband to fool around, have sex with them. Simple as that. Really if you and your husband are not having sex you need a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To 15:40:
If your husband refuses sex and refuses help/counseling, and you tell him you want an open marriage and he refuses, are you still a coward if you choose to have sex with someone else until the children leave the house? Is the husband who has chosen to change the parameters of the marriage and expects you to just suck it up wrong at all, or is he all clear and "charting his life in a respectful way?"

Yes, you are still a coward. I guess if I told my husband that was my intention in order to give him the autonomy to divorce me that would be alright. Messy but if its an ultimatum then it needs to be communicated as such.

Husband is not looking good here either, none of my posts have said that the sex-withholding spouse is being a good spouse. But as I very clearly said in my previous post, two wrongs don't make a right, we learn that in kindergarten. Being a grown up is hard, just because one of you isn't charting their life respectfully doesn't mean the other spouse should join them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you one of the posters who was trying to shame others who considered affairs when their spouse refused sex for years at a time? Grow up and worry about yourself. Keep your own house in order and hopefully you won't have to deal with the issue of infidelity in your marriage- which is the only one you should feel this strongly about.

So we are talking about sex? Are you kidding me? That's what makes you want to ruin people's lives? Just divorce and don't waste people's time.

Anonymous wrote:People cheat. Infidelity is nothing new humans been doing it for millennia. Same with lying, stealing, assaulting, murdering, and dozens of other "no-no"s. Not saying we should accept such bad behavior but its not something to be all shocked about either. Human beings aren't perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't cheaters afraid of STDs and giving an STD to a loyal spouse? And no, condoms don't protect you from everything. Bacteria and viruses get transmitted in all mucous areas.
I think giving an STD to a loyal spouse should be punishable by law.

Oh you do, huh? A person who does not have sex with their spouse has no chance of catching anything. As for cheaters, they are adults who can figure out how to take precautions against STDs. Why would you think otherwise?

Because most STDs are transmitted orally, anally, and vaginally. HPV is a glaring example, hence increase in cervical cancers for women and throat cancers for men. So, unless you are planning a barrier on every mucous area of body you are pretty much screwed (no pun intended). And yes, it should be punishable by law if you give it ti someone who committed to monogamy (one of its benefits are a disease free sexual environment) and whom you betrayed by bringing in a virus or bacteria.

I'm going to get slammed for this, but STDs are kind of like a dummy tax for staying married to a cheater. Women always know.

It would be funny if it wasn't sad. Women die every day from cervical cancer. Usually they are discovered in advanced stages or with yearly PAP smear if requested in conjunction with HPV test. So, someone can be a really good cheater and a wife can pay for it with her life much later on. Same with husband in case of Hep C, HIV, and oral HPV.

What? There is no special HPV test, a Pap or thinprep detects the presence of HPV or not. Stop trying to dramatize it. It's not Day 1 you contract HPV, day 2 you have untreatable cervical cancer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't cheaters afraid of STDs and giving an STD to a loyal spouse? And no, condoms don't protect you from everything. Bacteria and viruses get transmitted in all mucous areas.
I think giving an STD to a loyal spouse should be punishable by law.

Oh you do, huh? A person who does not have sex with their spouse has no chance of catching anything. As for cheaters, they are adults who can figure out how to take precautions against STDs. Why would you think otherwise?

Because most STDs are transmitted orally, anally, and vaginally. HPV is a glaring example, hence increase in cervical cancers for women and throat cancers for men. So, unless you are planning a barrier on every mucous area of body you are pretty much screwed (no pun intended). And yes, it should be punishable by law if you give it ti someone who committed to monogamy (one of its benefits are a disease free sexual environment) and whom you betrayed by bringing in a virus or bacteria.

I'm going to get slammed for this, but STDs are kind of like a dummy tax for staying married to a cheater. Women always know.

It would be funny if it wasn't sad. Women die every day from cervical cancer. Usually they are discovered in advanced stages or with yearly PAP smear if requested in conjunction with HPV test. So, someone can be a really good cheater and a wife can pay for it with her life much later on. Same with husband in case of Hep C, HIV, and oral HPV.