Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

We don't know enough about OP's situation to judge her level of commitment, obligation, responsibility, etc. You are assuming a lot about the nature of their relationship based on her lack of interest in a piece of paper.

Good for you, OP. And I agree with you that in 2018, this discussion about marriage is pretty sad.

And I'm posting as someone who thinks OP's concerns about the financial arrangements with the ex are misguided.

+1. NP but I feel the exact same way!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

We don't know enough about OP's situation to judge her level of commitment, obligation, responsibility, etc. You are assuming a lot about the nature of their relationship based on her lack of interest in a piece of paper.

Good for you, OP. And I agree with you that in 2018, this discussion about marriage is pretty sad.

And I'm posting as someone who thinks OP's concerns about the financial arrangements with the ex are misguided.

Years ago I had a boyfriend who suggested we buy a place together. I told me there was no way I would buy a place with someone I wasn't married to.

As a girlfriend she get's very little say. His finances his business. And that's how she wanted it when she decided against married. It's all fine and good, but she can't have it both ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

Exactly.

Agree. Sounds like you guys aren't on the same page as to the meaning (or lack of meaning) of being married. You seem to think it's not necessary to be married before you have a say in his finances. He seems to think otherwise.

Also, not for nothing, but if he thinks marriage is important and you don't want to get married, he could be interpreting that as a lack of commitment on your part. In that case, he may be extra upset that someone who isn't committing to him long term wants to rock the boat with the mother of his children. You want him to stop using a system that works for them because it makes you uncomfortable but you could bail tomorrow. Then he'd be left with an upset mother of his children while you're long gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

You're in for a big surprise down the road. There's a big difference between a girlfriend and a wife.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

Not to pile on you too much but maybe this is part of the reason he snapped when you told him the arrangement makes you uncomfortable. You don't want the commitment/obligations of marriage yet you call him out for an arrangement that you would only have a say in if you were married and combined finances. He can't win either way.

OP here. I feel the need to explain that marriage is not something I am interested in. BF has asked twice over the years Ive known him. I have my own personal reasons for not marrying again. This whole turn of "3 years no ring, get a clue sister" is bizarre to me in 2018.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO OBSESSED WITH MARRIAGE? Is this the 1950s and all that matters is getting a ring?

I wish people would focus on meaningful relationships and not an outdated model where women are cheating themselves unless the man "commits".

Meanwhile, married women are posting about how their men are not committed in daily life--not emotionally available, not carrying their weight in parenting, etc.

Getting married is not the end-all-be-all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok noted. I just think its odd an ex spouse would have direct access to his funds. But I guess I am wrong.

My thought is he probably has more than one account and this is the one his ex has a few checks.

+1. If he trusts her with not abusing it and it works for them. May be he is not good at paying back and it becomes source of frustration for both of them when after 3-4 months she realizes that he never paid her back for summer camp or music lessons or whatever. May be your boyfriend just doesn’t want to bother with small checks and he doesn’t see it worth his time to keep writing checks for 50-100 $ for all these smallish expenses. He could have a separate checking account that has limits, so it’s not like the ex can write herself a check for 100K from it.

The fact that he snapped at you may show some pent up frustration there, and since you just moved in 3 months ago, I would venture to guess there are also other things that are stressing him in your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:This is unusual, but I could actually see me and my ex doing something like this. We trust each other. We have keys to each other's houses. When he's on a deployment, I collect his mail and drive his car to keep the battery charged. He'll give me checks for his deployment in advance, trusting me to cash them only when I'm supposed to. I've left him an "in case of my death" file so he can access stuff if something happens to me. He doesn't trust paypal or other online services so checks work for us.

It's not like the ex has access to all of his accounts - she has access to one account they've designated for their kid. He must know she wouldn't abuse the privilege.

Ex-army wife here, and we are the same way. Our divorce was not nasty in anyway. We both realized the marriage was not going to work with our individual life situations (his frequent deployments and my travel-heavy career). It’s been 3 years and he is my emergency contact on everything, my TOD, his truck is in my garage right now because he’s deployed, I’m doing his taxes for him. He will always be family to me, just like the mother of your BF’s children will always be family to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, my concern is her having blank checks - I'm assuming he signed them if she doesn't have signing authority on his account. What if she loses them?

Not many people I know carry checkbooks around but write out checks at home.

You can send a check the next day, PayPal, bank transfer. Lots of ways. Ex should not have access freely to his account.

OP was worried about the ex losing the blank checks. Chances are the checks are safe at home, not being carried around.

This is unusual, but I could actually see me and my ex doing something like this. We trust each other. We have keys to each other's houses. When he's on a deployment, I collect his mail and drive his car to keep the battery charged. He'll give me checks for his deployment in advance, trusting me to cash them only when I'm supposed to. I've left him an "in case of my death" file so he can access stuff if something happens to me. He doesn't trust paypal or other online services so checks work for us.

It's not like the ex has access to all of his accounts - she has access to one account they've designated for their kid. He must know she wouldn't abuse the privilege.

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he snapped at you when you asked an innocent question is a red flag IMO. I’d be curious as to why they still have this arrangement many years later too.

Not only that, he was nasty about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP , I hope what you take away from this thread is that blended family finances can be quite a contentious topic. I would think long and hard about marrying and/or procreating with someone Who already has children and financial obligations to those children.

I am saying this as someone who has done it and it’s stressful and causes resentment

She’s been with him for three years without a ring. He’s the one thinking long and hard about remarrying.

+1 He may not be remarrying specifically because he doesn't want to have to get approval from someone new for his financial arrangement with his ex. That may also be why he reacted so negatively to OP objecting to it.

He sounds like an ass. If they are a couple, yes, money should be discussed. If he cannot marry after 3 years, time to move on. He's clearly still hung up on his ex.

When I was single 2 years was the max. If it wasn't going anywhere or he didn't want to commit to marriage I was out of there.

OP why are you wasting time? No his ex should not have access to his blank checks or account. He can pay through the court or other ways just like EVERYONE else!

We both had exes but decided we would co-parent all the kids together as a married couple. Not with the exes. Yes when they were little we had to communicate, but very little. His ex should not be in your lives to that degree. Not a healthy boundary.