We are the parents/grandparents and we pay for my daughter, who is a struggling single mom to visit with her two kids two or three times a year, if she can get away from her job. It is the best present we can give ourselves because we get to see our daughter and grandkids, who are just so much fun. We used to visit them every few months, but health issues now make this difficult. We also have local kids and grand kids and we treat them to travel ( with us). I can't think of any thing I would rather do with our money. When we all get together our grown children have a wonderful time together, they often go out together and have fun, while we stay in our home wi all the grand kids. I love this. We are a very close family and the cousins ( our grand kids, who are now all teenagers and in college) love to see each other. We cook, laugh, play word games, do crafts, go to the movies, etc. I really don't care about fancy clothes, cars, or houses. Getting our family together is what matters to me.

My parents and in-laws are both driveable, so not an issue. My sister-in-law lives across the country. When she visits the east coast she pays for her family, but we pay to fly out my MIL at least once a year because MIL cannot afford plane tickets herself. Be happy that both you and your parents have disposable income, OP. It's not the case for everyone.

After reading all the pages, my suggestion is the Common Sense approach.

If a family can afford to pay for its own travel, without it really hurting the family budget, then go for it. Otherwise, those with the deeper pockets can help out with part or all of the cost if they want the family to come visit.

Growing up one grandparent was very affluent and another was not. One grandparent paid for all airline trips for my family to fly to the hometown to see her and she paid for all of her own airline trips to come see us. This grandmother paid even though my parents were also very affluent. For this grandma it was part of what she viewed as her hostess responsibility if she invited us to visit. That's fine because that was her choice. But the other grandparent was receiving $ each month from my parents to help her make ends meet. It would not make sense for her to pay for flights. So my parents paid for her airline ticket to come see us two or three times a year and then my parents paid for our travel when we would go to see her.

We are not in a similar situation with our children's grandparents since they all live nearby. But we have paid for the airfare for other relatives like great aunts and uncles or other extended family to come visit us. Again, it is our choice. Sometimes we just can't get everywhere to see them all with our other commitments but we want to see them. So we will call and invite them to a trip out to see us. We've never had anyone turn us down and to my knowledge no one has ever felt bad or embarrassed about accepting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

Grow up!
It is is that simple.
Most adults are doing the same thing. You can either pay to visit more often or make it clear that frequent visits are not in your budget. Stop counting other people's money.
If your in-laws are retired and enjoying that time of their lives, let them. That is why you are saving for retirement isn't it, so you can do what the f*** you want, right?

You seem to lack basic reading comprehension. Because the PP wasn't saying any of those things or "counting their money", whatever that means. She stated, and I agree, if they are going to prioritize their own money for themselves (which is FINE, as it is also fine for them to enjoy their retirement) then they have absolutely no right to make demands as to how others spend their money. That is correct. So PP, as indicated, has said she won't.

It's interesting though, and I've seen this with other wealthy relatives, those who obtain wealth seem to forget what it's like to not have it when they make demands. They also, in many but not all cases, are the ones to be least generous and nitpick the bills. That sounds like the PPs relatives, unfortunately, on both counts.

You are the one with reading comprehension problems , OP said her relatives did not give them static for not visiting .
Plus, you are counting other folks' money. Because someone likes you to visit, does not mean they have to pay.
My in- laws did not bust their asses to raise kids, retire and then foot my travel bills.
GROW
UP!!!
#getabetterjob
#powerball
#moocher

NP here, just weighing in to say you are unhinged. The original PP was just noting the disconnect between expressed expectations and the choices of those expressing them. When it becomes a problem is when there is pressure and guilt to visit without recognition of the financial burden travel often places on families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

Grow up!
It is is that simple.
Most adults are doing the same thing. You can either pay to visit more often or make it clear that frequent visits are not in your budget. Stop counting other people's money.
If your in-laws are retired and enjoying that time of their lives, let them. That is why you are saving for retirement isn't it, so you can do what the f*** you want, right?

You seem to lack basic reading comprehension. Because the PP wasn't saying any of those things or "counting their money", whatever that means. She stated, and I agree, if they are going to prioritize their own money for themselves (which is FINE, as it is also fine for them to enjoy their retirement) then they have absolutely no right to make demands as to how others spend their money. That is correct. So PP, as indicated, has said she won't.

It's interesting though, and I've seen this with other wealthy relatives, those who obtain wealth seem to forget what it's like to not have it when they make demands. They also, in many but not all cases, are the ones to be least generous and nitpick the bills. That sounds like the PPs relatives, unfortunately, on both counts.

What does prioritize their money for them mean ? Who the f*** else are you prioritizing your money for . That's like saying that is fine if you want to keep your paycheck for yourself...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

Grow up!
It is is that simple.
Most adults are doing the same thing. You can either pay to visit more often or make it clear that frequent visits are not in your budget. Stop counting other people's money.
If your in-laws are retired and enjoying that time of their lives, let them. That is why you are saving for retirement isn't it, so you can do what the f*** you want, right?

You seem to lack basic reading comprehension. Because the PP wasn't saying any of those things or "counting their money", whatever that means. She stated, and I agree, if they are going to prioritize their own money for themselves (which is FINE, as it is also fine for them to enjoy their retirement) then they have absolutely no right to make demands as to how others spend their money. That is correct. So PP, as indicated, has said she won't.

It's interesting though, and I've seen this with other wealthy relatives, those who obtain wealth seem to forget what it's like to not have it when they make demands. They also, in many but not all cases, are the ones to be least generous and nitpick the bills. That sounds like the PPs relatives, unfortunately, on both counts.

You are the one with reading comprehension problems , OP said her relatives did not give them static for not visiting .
Plus, you are counting other folks' money. Because someone likes you to visit, does not mean they have to pay.
My in- laws did not bust their asses to raise kids, retire and then foot my travel bills.
GROW
UP!!!
#getabetterjob
#powerball
#moocher

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

Grow up!
It is is that simple.
Most adults are doing the same thing. You can either pay to visit more often or make it clear that frequent visits are not in your budget. Stop counting other people's money.
If your in-laws are retired and enjoying that time of their lives, let them. That is why you are saving for retirement isn't it, so you can do what the f*** you want, right?

You seem to lack basic reading comprehension. Because the PP wasn't saying any of those things or "counting their money", whatever that means. She stated, and I agree, if they are going to prioritize their own money for themselves (which is FINE, as it is also fine for them to enjoy their retirement) then they have absolutely no right to make demands as to how others spend their money. That is correct. So PP, as indicated, has said she won't.

It's interesting though, and I've seen this with other wealthy relatives, those who obtain wealth seem to forget what it's like to not have it when they make demands. They also, in many but not all cases, are the ones to be least generous and nitpick the bills. That sounds like the PPs relatives, unfortunately, on both counts.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

Grow up!
It is is that simple.
Most adults are doing the same thing. You can either pay to visit more often or make it clear that frequent visits are not in your budget. Stop counting other people's money.
If your in-laws are retired and enjoying that time of their lives, let them. That is why you are saving for retirement isn't it, so you can do what the f*** you want, right?

Anonymous wrote:I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

+1 We are similar.

I can relate with OP's frustration.
I really like my in-laws, but they live half a continent away, and there is definitely an expectation that we will visit regularly, and we will pay.
We've already made it clear that we aren't coming next year, and while I think they are a bit miffed, they are not (yet) giving us a lot of static about it.
For those that say "adults should pay" I say it's not quite that simple.
While my husband and I both have successful, stable careers, we don't have a particularly high household income. Meanwhile we have to save for college, pay mortgage, and overall $$ living in expensive DC area. Meanwhile, in-laws are very comfortably retired, continue to live in their huge house (but don't host--everyone is expected to chip in for a lake house rental, and they also keep track of all food purchase and split the costs) and they are excitedly talking about their springtime river cruise through Europe.
Basically, these people could absolutely cover the cost, but they choose not to do so.
I went this year because SIL had a new baby, but I'm making it clear that if in laws want to prioritize their money spending away from family visits, then I think I want to do the same!

You pay. Go when you can afford to.

My sister who is wealthy, tried to bill my mom for airfare and hotel when she came to visit last year, fortunately my brother handles moms finances and stopped this brazen behavior in its tracks.

We visit my son, daughter, my ex-husband, and his parents in western Oklahoma twice each summer. We drive and we pay for the trips. Gas one way in our vehicle is around $100. It's not expensive at all. We drive straight through and can get there in 17 hours. We would never consider flying, because it's so much more fun, and so much cheaper to drive.

When DH and I were in grad school, my parents paid to fly us out for visits. I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay now that we are self-sufficient. If the financial burden is too much, then maybe just stay home and have your own traditions. If your parents want to pay and offer, then it's OK to take them up on it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:just curious.

DH, I and our 4 young kids go visit my parents every year around Christmas. The airfare costs around $1500. The rest of the siblings live close and drive there.
My parents only come visit us every 5 years or so, despite us giving an open invitation to the whole family. We wish the 2 of them would visit more, rather than us schlepping our family of 6 on a plane.
I also wish they would offer to pay for all/part of our airfare sometimes. (We both work, and my Dad still works, so we all have some disposable income)

So, when you visit your parents for the holidays or whenever, who pays for tickets? or do you alternate who visits whom?

You made the (probably wise) choice to move away, OP.

You pay.

Oh, and an "open invitation" doesn't mean much.

+1 to both points. You moved away, you pay. We pay to fly to see my parents, knowing that they take on the expense of extra houseguests--buying more food, more gas, more laundry, etc. My parents paid for my tickets when I was still in school, but once I had a "real job," I paid. I will say that my parents also come to visit us at least once or twice a year.

And if you want your parents to come visit, propose some specific times or events, not some generic "open invitation."