I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

OP, the more you post the more I think a big part of your problem is trying to develop a social life around your kids. I have two kids, whom I adore, but they are a handful. I really don't want to put in a ton of extra effort to invite more kids into my home or make my weekend schedule more hectic than required by birthday parties in order to meet up with someone and have to monitor how my kids plays with theirs. Honestly, what I want in my life is an excuse not to make every non-working moment be about them.

I was originally thinking you sound a little high maintenance with your inability to understand why people don't reciprocate, but now I don't think that's true. I think if you invite someone over for a huge meal, it's not unreasonable to expect some kind of invitation within the next year. But you seem to be telegraphing that the only types of events that would be acceptable to you are kid-centered (I know other people who are like that also). These are absolutely not fun for me to plan or go out of my way to do with other people, and so I'm not going to make friendships based on doing those activities. If you invite me, spouse, and kids over for drinks and having our kids play...that would be fun and worth the effort for us. But if when you get there we are stuck in a playroom and having it be all about the kids, we will invite you back once for politeness but not go out of our way to be your friends...since it would seem like you are more interested in entertaining our kid than in meeting us.

I do think it's a rude that no one has reciprocated your invite, but if it's a huge event on a major holiday, they probably feel like you just invite everyone you know and reciprocation isn't strictly required.

I think you really, really need to separate your efforts to build a social circle from trying to plan stuff for your kid. It's natural that most of my friendships are compatible with my kids (i.e. some friends who have similar-aged kids, childless friends who nonetheless don't mind going on walks with me and kiddo in stroller, etc)...but it's very clear that the friendships are about the adults. The things you are posting about would not make that clear to me at all.

Anonymous wrote:Its not like they are hosting and not inviting you, sounds like they are not hosting period.

I am not saying its right as I have a circle of friends who know one thing only...reservations. They pretty much never host parties, dinners,etc....

If one of my friends was alone I would probably invite them on Thanksgiving but honestly I think the average Joe schmo thinks its about spending the holiday with THEIR family and really does not think about anything beyond that.

Maybe time to branch out and spread your wings and meet some new friends?

Another suggestion-with those friends who are your actual friends an not your kids friends, tell them you are thinking about starting a dinner club where once a month or every other month people take turns hosting a dinner in their home (this is popular in the Boston area) or at least my sister in law does it with her group of friends there. Anyone who is interested maybe can tell another like minded friend about it and maybe that would expand your group to others more like you.......best of luck.

Bottom line there are lots of selfish people out there who only think about themselves.

Love that idea about the dinner parties then having those people extend the invite to another of their friends, an automatic way to open up your group considerably OP

Journey of life is a lonely one. You come alone and when you go, you go alone. As you grow up you will understand it better.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to clarify that the "big parties" or cookouts we host are only 3-4 times per year.

The rest of the time we host small family friendly dinner parties with 1-2 families, that is once a month.

We also host regular playdates with 1-2 families at our house, usually 1-2 times per month.

And invite friends (one family) to meet up at the playground, park, festival, etc.--1-2 times per month.

I have a large group of friends/acquaintances and besides the big parties I try to only invite a family to get together maybe once every two months.

But still, in 2017 we have gotten a grand total of 3 invites after all the inviting that we have done. Makes me sad.

I wonder if you're mixing with a lot of introverts who are forcing themselves to be social. As an introvert myself, I know what that feels like. Our neighborhood is pretty social and people have little block parties now and then. I have to force myself to go because I think it's good for our and I want them to be able to look back on a happy, normal childhood complete with neighborhood friends etc. But to be honest, we don't really have anything in common with these people other than the fact that our kids go to the same schools so it feels awkward and uncomfortable to ME once we tire that conversational strand out. I'm sure it feels totally normal and fine to extroverts. They wouldn't invite people over otherwise.

We don't invite the parents over much because that is a bridge too far to me but I have their kids over all the time. That's the one area where I make sure we reciprocate and even extend more invitations than other people. I'm fine with hosting 2 or even 3 play dates for every one that you host.

I think part of it is just luck of the draw. Sometimes you get a friendly neighborhood where the vibe is more social.

If you like hosting a planning, maybe you can start a playgroup targeting your child's age? It takes someone with your skills and free time to initiate and keep it going. You can mix meeting at houses with outside events at the park or kids venues to include those intimidating by hosting.

Hang in there. As your child gets older, there will be PTA/ sports/classes/hobbies and I think you'll find your social circle expanding.

and you have made me grateful for the gracious thanksgiving invites we did get as a transplant.

OP here. Also wanted to clarify that the "big parties" or cookouts we host are only 3-4 times per year.

The rest of the time we host small family friendly dinner parties with 1-2 families, that is once a month.

We also host regular playdates with 1-2 families at our house, usually 1-2 times per month.

And invite friends (one family) to meet up at the playground, park, festival, etc.--1-2 times per month.

I have a large group of friends/acquaintances and besides the big parties I try to only invite a family to get together maybe once every two months.

But still, in 2017 we have gotten a grand total of 3 invites after all the inviting that we have done. Makes me sad.

Maybe your friends just don't want other people coming to their homes?

Maybe you' are TOO GOOD of an entertainer and these friends feel like their offerings would be a total letdown to you. Would you give them the disapproving side eye, or tell everyone how bad it was?

Maybe they're just busy, tired, socially anxious and/or oblivious?

It's usually one of these things. Oh, and none of these friends owes you an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. That's family time that is off-limits.

OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

Its not like they are hosting and not inviting you, sounds like they are not hosting period.

I am not saying its right as I have a circle of friends who know one thing only...reservations. They pretty much never host parties, dinners,etc....

If one of my friends was alone I would probably invite them on Thanksgiving but honestly I think the average Joe schmo thinks its about spending the holiday with THEIR family and really does not think about anything beyond that.

Maybe time to branch out and spread your wings and meet some new friends?

Another suggestion-with those friends who are your actual friends an not your kids friends, tell them you are thinking about starting a dinner club where once a month or every other month people take turns hosting a dinner in their home (this is popular in the Boston area) or at least my sister in law does it with her group of friends there. Anyone who is interested maybe can tell another like minded friend about it and maybe that would expand your group to others more like you.......best of luck.

Bottom line there are lots of selfish people out there who only think about themselves.

Different personality types.

OP - apologies if you said this already, but are you a SAHM? I was assuming that you were....but are your friends/party invitees also families with a SAHP? If not, I’m betting that’s a big part of it, in addition to those families having more than one kid. I’m not a parent (yet), but I’ve noticed that many of my WAH friends kind of dropped out of sight when their kiddos were real little, but they usually seem to resurface later on. In most cases, they’ll still come over for dinner - if someone else organizes - but they just don’t have the energy to take the initiative right now.

( Heck - I don’t have any kids and I don’t have the energy to throw multiple large parties a year. Even when I had a larger house that had better flow, I was only good for 1-2 parties a year, and those were all semi-potluck.)

It’s not a big deal to me to do the heavy lifting for my friendships w parents of young kids, because those friends are only a partial fraction of my social group and I’m getting enough reciprocity elsewhere that i don’t mind being the giver/organizer, but I can see how it would be difficult if I was starting from scratch socially and all of my friendships were trending this way. So, if this is the case, I think that I would echo someone else’s advice and recommend trying to broaden your social search beyond moms with kids your age. Look for some activities such as book club, sports team, or an exercise class where you might meet a wider range of life stages.

I have no idea if this is the case with your friends, but I have anxiety and inviting people over, even if just for a play date, is really stressful for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your mistake is being indiscriminately social.

It's a turn-off, because people don't see you as wanting to be "their" best friend, and as we are all pulled left and right with tons of obligations, we're not going to drop everything else for someone who keeps inviting all and sundry.

All the people I know are transplants like us, without family in the area, and none of us host like you. We made friends through our kids' preschools, etc, and have developed a small but precious circle of friends.

So you probably just see your ‘friends’ during the kids’ play dates and birthday parties, right?

Oh and of course chat for a few minutes during the preschool pickup/drop offs.

No. They cared for me when I was recovering from major surgery; checked on my house, mowed the lawn and watered my plants when we were away for 6 months; and I have done the same for them.

Perhaps you should check the definition of friend.

OP here. Well the issue is that if I invite you for Friendsgiving and a New Year's Eve Party, and you don't even invite me over for a single playdate over the course of the year, well I feel slighted.

That is totally understandable. I would certainly reciprocate with play dates or casual dinners under those circumstances. However, I really could not reciprocate having people over for holidays, including New Year's, as my parents usually host us, and would not want to have additional people there.