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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Brain tumor is a different story, luckily, there are several states where they help you to end the suffering quickly.

My point was that the alcoholism, which i think you said wasn't a deal breaker, changed his personality then led to his premature death.

I have stroke stories of similar nature in my family, but, exclusively, relatives who didn't drink and one of them always preached about drinking. You choose what you prefer. Too many factors.

Yes you can't completely control your health outcomes. Some people never drink or smoke and get cancer. Some people do everything they're not supposed to do and live long lives. But you are confusing a few anecdotes with the fact that drinking causes cumulative damage to a liver. That could ultimately mean no big deal but it is a fact that the human body can only metabolize so much alcohol a day. I'm also confused as to why you think that this particular alcoholic will be the one to have no ill health effects?

The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Brain tumor is a different story, luckily, there are several states where they help you to end the suffering quickly.

My point was that the alcoholism, which i think you said wasn't a deal breaker, changed his personality then led to his premature death.

I have stroke stories of similar nature in my family, but, exclusively, relatives who didn't drink and one of them always preached about drinking. You choose what you prefer. Too many factors.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Brain tumor is a different story, luckily, there are several states where they help you to end the suffering quickly.

My point was that the alcoholism, which i think you said wasn't a deal breaker, changed his personality then led to his premature death.

Anonymous wrote:Great artists, great writers, great leaders, great business people, great teachers, great plumbers, and great nannies have all been drunks.

But not so many great husbands and great fathers.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Brain tumor is a different story, luckily, there are several states where they help you to end the suffering quickly.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

What??? This sounds so uninformed. I guess what you're saying is that there is never a gradual slide into poor behavior or for that matter good behavior. We are who we are and there's no changing that. A person who appears to be completely honest at 22 will continue to be completely honest at 32, 42, 52...

And you're also saying that each of us is able to understand and "see" a person's personality in the same way from the start. You're saying that "pretty quickly" you're able to discern a person's "true colors." Well A+ for you. I guess you'll never need to grow or deepen your ability to understand people or see them in a different light. You don't need to mature because you're completed evolved as a person and have been.

You said it yourself: gradual slide. One observed action is all what it takes for me. It can be as simple as not telling the waiter they forgot to charge you or missing the trashcan and not picking it up or making a public grand gesture or going into an emotional debate (not logical calm debate).
I don't forgive, I cut ties, there are no second chances. I don't tolerate any drama in my life. It is very simple when you surround yourself with similar people.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

What??? This sounds so uninformed. I guess what you're saying is that there is never a gradual slide into poor behavior or for that matter good behavior. We are who we are and there's no changing that. A person who appears to be completely honest at 22 will continue to be completely honest at 32, 42, 52...

And you're also saying that each of us is able to understand and "see" a person's personality in the same way from the start. You're saying that "pretty quickly" you're able to discern a person's "true colors." Well A+ for you. I guess you'll never need to grow or deepen your ability to understand people or see them in a different light. You don't need to mature because you're completed evolved as a person and have been.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Sorry. OP don't marry this guy. It's a shame I know but it will not end well.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

Pretty clear consensus here OP but I am a NP who married a guy like this. He was just a bit of a partier then, not daily drinking, but then he became like yours and, just like pps have said, eventually he did drive after drinking with the kids in the car, was passed out while I was in labor with #2 (I had to wake him up to drive me to the hospital), etc. it started to play with his memory. He agreed to quit but started again and hid it and lied to me. And here is the kicker - he finally went to rehab and has been sober now for 5 years but he destroyed our relationship. We are still married because I really wanted to believe we could repair the damage after he sobered up, and a divorce will be horrible for my kids, but I am miserable. Don't do this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

I am married to a heavy drinker, and I know lots of them. Many have relatively happy marriages and lives, and even enjoy surprisingly good health despite the booze. But I don't know anyone who wakes up and has a drink. I can't imagine that ends well, though i could be wrong.

My father was also a heavy drinker and he was a great dad, and I believe, a great husband. The booze contributed to weight gain, which led to heart problems, so he died probably 5-10 years earlier than he would have if he wasn’t such a heavy drinker. But they still had 40+ years of a good marriage, and he was healthy through most of it. But he didn’t start drinking til he got home from work. I agree with the earlier poster about starting to drink so early in the day - that timing would really concern me.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Though they must smell the booze on his breath.

Who gets this close to people at work?

When you are in a lift with someone who drinks in the morning, you know it. Trust me.

I learned during pregnancy not to breath in the elevator I could not deal with cologne on guys or perfume on women, so I wouldn't smell anything