You have to say something.

More specifically, your husband has to talk to his siblings and together they need to say something. Your ILs are sending you the plans for their house and telling you they're building this room for you. To smile now and say nothing is to de facto agree to their plans. It doesn't have to be awkward - but there will be resentment and hurt feelings if nobody stays in the bunk room - especially if all of you continue saying nothing to keep the peace. DH could email them something like the following:

Dear mom and dad,
I looked at the plans for the house and its a very cool design! The bunk room will be really fun for the kids when they're older. What a great place for the cousins to get together at camp grandparents! We're looking forward to coming to visit but will need to stay at a hotel while there since the adults will need privacy and the toddlers are on a schedule.
Love,
DH

If the ILs push back about the whole family staying at the bunk room, then DH can explain that he's uncomfortable sleeping and getting dressed in the same room as his brother's wife, etc. that as adults you need privacy, etc.

My parents' summer house has a bunkhouse. It's separate from the main house, which has several proper bedrooms. As kids we loved sleeping in the bunkhouse. As adults, we never sleep in the bunkhouse but the grandkids are dumped in there and it's all very civilized. But this particular set up that the OP's inlaws are building is quite bizarre. I'm also assuming they're building the house without a mortgage as I don't see any bank giving a mortgage for a one-bedroom house with a massive bunkhouse. Something like that would be quite difficult to sell.

I would be saying a flat out no to every invitation unless we could stay in a hotel or rent a house nearby. DH could take the kids for a few days but I'm staying home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

Yep, it happens. My parents think I'm a kid who can't think for herself. I'm 37. I'm raising two kids, one of whom has special needs, and generally doing a good job of adulting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.

OP here. I agree and just never thought of it this way. I think this really sums up my feelings about other things as well. I want to assert our own family's independence, vacations, holidays, you name it. DH and I got together very young and it was easy for us to just go along with what they did. Our lives have changed so much in 15 years and now we're crazy busy, have children, weird schedules and inlaws haven't helped or bent how they do things at all.

Hey, OP. I'm the poster you're quoting and I so understand where you're coming from! We also married young and I'm convinced the only thing that saved us was living far away in a remote community the first few years we were married. At least in our case we were able to establish our identity separate from our parents; the fact that we frequently got significant snow that made travel from November to April made it so much easier to not travel for holidays. We too are now in our mid 30s and sometimes it is very clear that our parents still don't see us as adults. That our younger sibling all suffer from "failure to launch" to some degree doesn't help. We have to be very strong holding the line and not caving to "but but but!" demands.

We (finally) have a baby and all the parents have just assumed we'll spend Christmas with them. First, ha ha ha, NO, we are spending Christmas day at home exactly as we have for every single Christmas we have been married. Second, my parents are together, but the ILs are divorced. All 3 sets are scattered around. It is simply not possible, and frankly I'm irritated they just assumed we'd come to them, with no discussion. So now we have to "break their heart" and tell them no. They're laying the guilt on thick. We're still not travelling for the holiday. They're the ones creating elaborate fantasies with zero basis in reality. It's their problem.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like even if you had your own room or even floor, you still wouldn't want to be going there for every holiday or a week every year. So I wouldn't really raise the bunk room issue if they have time to change the plans. Because if they *do* change the plans at your request, then you are obligated since you are implying that this is the issue.

+1

Let it go, and don't show up. NBD.

It sounds like even if you had your own room or even floor, you still wouldn't want to be going there for every holiday or a week every year. So I wouldn't really raise the bunk room issue if they have time to change the plans. Because if they *do* change the plans at your request, then you are obligated since you are implying that this is the issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, just reading about your own parents. I know some parents of an only child who got married and they have become this nightmare of whining that they have nothing to do when their DS has other plans with his wife's family.

OP here. I think you must be thinking of your own situation? My parents aren't whiners. They're very helpful and flexible. They aren't complaining about us spending time with inlaws. I realize it sucks for them.

Can't they go, too, from the 23-25? Get them a hotel room and your kids get both sets of grandparents at once!

You can't invite one set of grandparents over to the other set of grandparents' house. Op could invite both sets to her house but I'm guessing that both sides prefer to have their own time with the grandkids which is actually understandable.

It's bizarre that her in laws specifically exclude her parents, leaving them alone for Christmas.

Why is that bizarre? A lot of us don't want parents and inlaws together for every holiday. It's also hard on the grandkids trying to figure out who to spend time with

Op stays several days, overnight at the in-laws. It absolutely is not bizarre that Op's parents are not invited to sleep over at the in-law's house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, how many siblings does your DH have and are they brothers or sisters or a combination of both? What are the ages of the grandchildren? How many boys, how many girls?

I'm curious as well!

OP here. I don't want to be too specific, but yes there are siblings. All are married (so there are adult men and women who would be bunking). There are only a few grandchildren right now and all are babies in cribs.

I get that your ILs are thinking "bunk room! perfect solution" so that they can fit as many family members in the house as possible. I also consider myself to be a fairly laid back person who enjoys spending time with her ILs and isn't a snob about where I stay. But...I hate, hate, hate the sound of people snoring. That many adults in one room guarantees at leastt one person will be snoring. No way in hell would I commit to spending a week with a snorer/a week of no sleep. Not happening.

So every time a baby wakes up, they wake all the other babies up? No thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.

x10000

Exactly why so many people refuse the family "vacation".

OP, Your ILs are imagining a certain life This vision is bringing them joy. It's not quite as important if it actually happens very often. They want to know it could happen. All "the kids" could visit together, and it would be like they are hosting camp. Meanwhile they can show-off their new house to their (same age) friends and talk of all the togetherness they will share with you, their children, and their grandchildren. Whether it happens very often is less important. But also realize that even though you don't think it's fun, someone might. Out of all those family members, those little ones will grow up and a few are likely to cherish those memories as special. It's likely to strike the right chord with a few.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.

OP here. I agree and just never thought of it this way. I think this really sums up my feelings about other things as well. I want to assert our own family's independence, vacations, holidays, you name it. DH and I got together very young and it was easy for us to just go along with what they did. Our lives have changed so much in 15 years and now we're crazy busy, have children, weird schedules and inlaws haven't helped or bent how they do things at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw.

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, just reading about your own parents. I know some parents of an only child who got married and they have become this nightmare of whining that they have nothing to do when their DS has other plans with his wife's family.

OP here. I think you must be thinking of your own situation? My parents aren't whiners. They're very helpful and flexible. They aren't complaining about us spending time with inlaws. I realize it sucks for them.

Can't they go, too, from the 23-25? Get them a hotel room and your kids get both sets of grandparents at once!

You can't invite one set of grandparents over to the other set of grandparents' house. Op could invite both sets to her house but I'm guessing that both sides prefer to have their own time with the grandkids which is actually understandable.

It's bizarre that her in laws specifically exclude her parents, leaving them alone for Christmas.

Why is that bizarre? A lot of us don't want parents and inlaws together for every holiday. It's also hard on the grandkids trying to figure out who to spend time with

OMG, bunk rooms, ugh. Good only on Pinterest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, how many siblings does your DH have and are they brothers or sisters or a combination of both? What are the ages of the grandchildren? How many boys, how many girls?

I'm curious as well!

OP here. I don't want to be too specific, but yes there are siblings. All are married (so there are adult men and women who would be bunking). There are only a few grandchildren right now and all are babies in cribs.

I get that your ILs are thinking "bunk room! perfect solution" so that they can fit as many family members in the house as possible. I also consider myself to be a fairly laid back person who enjoys spending time with her ILs and isn't a snob about where I stay. But...I hate, hate, hate the sound of people snoring. That many adults in one room guarantees at least one person will be snoring. No way in hell would I commit to spending a week with a snorer/a week of no sleep. Not happening.