Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

This is great in theory, but I work with people with different kinds of dementia (including alzheimer's)- by the time you have a diagnosis- even an early one, which we have tons of people with, you kind of are no longer of "sound mind" to make those decisions. Its the cruelest of dilemmas

Sorry OP, and if you get to a point where you need day time help- seek out respite centers, I've worked in some and all have been truly a great place for the people there (although these were all private ones/ NPOs)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am never doing this to my kids.

Lingering well past the age of a normal, decent lifespan, illness after illness, treating and testing and poking and prodding and for what? So my kids, who I would die for, can burn themselves out and be miserable? So I can lose all my faculties and then my dignity?

No fucking thanks.

I'm with you. Once I am diagnosed with something life threatening and am past a certain age or once I can tell I am losing it, I want to chose my death date. Up until then I shall party, eat anything I want, see the friends and family I want to see, tell everyone how much I love them and then I want to pass away in a deep slumber. I want my funeral to be festive and fun-a celebration of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

You are one person and you have your own life to lead. If something that your mom is complaining about is truly not a big deal it is o.k. to not use your energy to put out that particular fire for her. Save your energy for the stuff that is significant.

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies to the OP. Caring for an elderly parent is much more than driving to the doctor's, paying bills, and getting the chores done. As my mom ages her anxiety is getting worse, which is then exacerbated by some major health issue. What may seem like small issues become big to her and I'm constantly called to put out fire. It's mentally taxing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My sibling (who lives in another country) said he didn't want our parents going to a nursing home. Thought I should move in with them to coordinate their care instead. When I offered to do so for 5 years if sibling would promise to take over that role after 5 years, sibling declined. But still didn't think parents should go to a nursing home. Ugh.

So, you are offering to help while they are healthier and as soon as they significantly decline, you want to dump them on your sibling... nice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Those transportation services only work if the individual is reasonably healthy. My MIL has dementia and I called a bunch and they said no. So, we have to drive 40 minutes to get MIL, it takes about 30 minutes to get her out the door, then drive to the doctor, appointment, drive her back, then drive home. Its a good 1/2 day activity if not all day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

Your parent is in assisted living. Does their community offer transport to doctors appts and prepared meals? If you went away for a week or two wouldn't your parent still be cared for?

As far as banking goes, do you use automated bill pay and direct deposit for fixed expenses and income.

This response burns me up. PP is most likely the type that the OP is referring to. These types think there is an answer for everything so the one in the trenches doing the heavy lifting is obviously making it hard on themselves, naturally? Has it ever occurred to types like the PP that even if the community offers transport to doctors appointments someone has to arrange for such a thing. Plus, who will sit in with the elderly parent during the drs. appt. because a community transport worker will not so elderly mom or dad will have to process all the medical information coming their way on their own. At a minimum that is not ideal, but can actually prove dangerous. For the siblings that live far away and are unable to help the local sib just show your appreciation. It really is that simple. Offering "helpful" answers from afar is offensive.

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. My sibling (who lives in another country) said he didn't want our parents going to a nursing home. Thought I should move in with them to coordinate their care instead. When I offered to do so for 5 years if sibling would promise to take over that role after 5 years, sibling declined. But still didn't think parents should go to a nursing home. Ugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you choose a particular way, that is hard, but it's the way that is acceptable to you, but not to me. For example, a parent is refusing to accept hired help and you do it yourself. You talk to me about it. I don't offer physical help, only financial. You keep talking about how hard it is. I understand that you need to vent. I hope you don't expect that I will actually help physically.

Just WOW! Can you see that the PARENT needs help here not the sibling? I don't get the impression that the sibling is looking for someone to bathe mom, but she would LOVE you to visit regularly (not once a year), cook a meal, attend a doctor's appointment, run some errands, sit down and spend time with YOUR parent.

As a local sibling, I'm the one who handles Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, banking, making sure parent is well taken care of in assisted living, etc. Sibling visits every 6 months or so and it's infuriating that they can't be bothered to visit more often. Sibling is only a couple hours away by car. No children.

There's still a LOT that family members need to do for a person in assisted living. Yes, the facility would provide transportation to doctor appointments, but would the patient remember doctor instructions, medications taken, etc.? Sadly, some children put their parents into care facilities and forget their responsibilities to their parents.

Doesn't assisted living provide help with daily meds? If your mom had to attend a doctor appt by herself could you not get info about her appt and any care decisions made? A lot of this stuff is done electronically now so you would pull up her patient account and check to see how things went. The need for you to be physically present for every single appt may not be necessary. In fact, maybe you could delegate that responsibility to a sibling.

Usually assisted living places provide a lot of.....assistance...

Actually, they don't. If they need "a lot of....assistance" they kick them out and send them to a nursing home.