Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

^ PP with recent similar experience with spouse again. Her end game may not be stealing you away, but keeping your attention. My spouse's person was seriously girlfriending herself into his life, in the most "innocent" way. Offering to watch his rec sports games, commenting constantly on Facebook, stroking his ego.

How common is "girlfriending" behavior -- where a woman doesn't necessarily want to steal a husband away or become an AP, but simply behaving that way for attention?

Anonymous wrote:

^ PP with recent similar experience with spouse again. Her end game may not be stealing you away, but keeping your attention. My spouse's person was seriously girlfriending herself into his life, in the most "innocent" way. Offering to watch his rec sports games, commenting constantly on Facebook, stroking his ego.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her[b] and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

OP - you said TWICE before that you deleted her number. So how did you end up texting her?

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her[b] and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband about all my crushes.. Especially if i am hit hard... Knowing that he knows.. And trusts me not to screw up our life makes dealing with the crush easier.... And it may not seem like it now that its all consuming...but its ur minds way of keeping u entertained and giving u an adrelanie rush... So start getting the rush from something else... And don't give this crush so much secrecy, Impotance or power

Strange relationship...

Is it strange?! It keeps me in check coz i cant do anything that i will have to hide or cant discuss. But all the reactions here make it sound so unusual

Sorry...used the wrong word.... How about "abnormal" relationship? As grown ups, one is expected to manage "urges" that come along in life. No need to share witg spouse,others, etc. Are you 16?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

Take this advice from soneone who knows what they are talking about!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt but the pic was funny, not sexual. Our conversations have never veered into the sexual, nor do I want them to. I blame myself for texting her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...call on your higher self (not the day to day self who craves that momentary thrill/validation; the one who can look t the bigger picture and make the hard choices) to SNAP out of it. Remember this: there is a reason for the expression "if you play with fire, you wind up burned."

Anonymous wrote:I'm tired of this thread. Just sleep with her and get it over with. At least that will give us some entertainment and a new direction.

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing...many times having an affair is not one big choice to "have an affair." It's a lot of small choices that snowball and in six months you're having an affair. Right now you're like, it's no big deal for me to email her. No big deal for me to text her. No big deal for me to email/text after work on weekends. No big deal to have lunch alone. To have a drink alone. It's no big deal for me to give a hug. To give just one kiss. NBD to talk every day. NBD to meet at this conference...go to the hotel room...etc.

It's small choices that add up. If you want it to stop, stop it now. Today. Before your mind starts justifying all your actions and you start telling yourself, it's no big deal. Before you start rewriting your marital history in order to make your actions acceptable. I've been there. All of my small choices added up to an affair and it was by far the most hurtful and destructive thing I've ever done. I would not wish that pain on anyone. Also, Not Just Friends is a very good book.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's been over a week and things have not gotten easier, probably because I'm not taking some of the good advice posted above. It took less than a day for my coworker to wonder what is wrong, asking if I was mad at her. I tried cutting her off and staying professional in email response. By mid-week I was back into the limerent stupor of wanting her attention. Over the weekend I texted her and she replied with a picture of her and a friend she was out with.

I have to see her soon, in an unavoidable situation. My goal remains to STFU about my feelings and avoid making it worse. But I fear what seeing her in person is going to be like. I expect DCUM scorn after dredging this thread up.

No scorn here but...take a step back and think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about your options here, and where you will be in 1 year if you pursue one option or the other. If you continue to let this escalate, there is a very good chance you will look back at this point where you went wrong...you knew it was getting dangerous, but you made a conscious decision to let yourself go deeper down the hole. If you guys continue down this path, there's a limited (and decreasing) number of possible outcomes: either it will develop into a full blown affair (which you've said vehemently you don't want), or one of your spouses will come across your communications and be (very) hurt, OR you'll be faced with having to try and cut things off when you've caught feelings even MORE than you have now. None of those are easy or ideal...the easiest and best solution from where you are at this point is to stop all outside contact with her. And if she reaches out to ask what's up, you need to be direct and polite in shutting it down. I'm talking "I fear our communications have begun to verge into somewhat inappropriate territory; I need to be clear that I am happily married and respect and love my wife. Going forward I think it's best that we limit our contact exclusively to work-related matters." Even if she plays dumb / acts weird about it, she knows exactly what she's doing and the message will be received.

That would be creepy and weird. Do not send that message. It also makes you a permanent hostage to a harassment complaint if she decides to make one.

Eh, I dunno. Maybe not exactly those words, but that is the message that needs to be conveyed and he seems to be failing at doing in subtly. He needs to "sober up" and make himself definitively shut the door

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will repeat what I said earlier in the thread - she's not as innocent as you think. I can tell you think the best of people (with the exception of yourself - you're extremely hard on yourself) - but she knows what she's doing. She's sending you pictures of herself, FFS? That's highly inappropriate and she wants you to hot for her.

If it's indeed true that she's like this with everyone then she desperately wants male (sexual) attention and that's pathetic.

Does that make you look at her in a different way?

I appreciate your giving me the benefit of the doubt but the pic was funny, not sexual. Our conversations have never veered into the sexual, nor do I want them to. I blame myself for texting her.