Anonymous
Post 05/29/2017 11:48     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
The thing is, love changes over time for many people. It did for me. I had that giddy excited passion for my husband when I married him. 17 years later? We have deep comfort, security, and intimacy. He is my best friend and life partner. We still enjoy sex together once or twice a week. We still have passionate debates about current events, etc. We're not that couple you see sitting at a restaurant with nothing to say to each other. We have a very happy marriage and family. But I wouldn't say I long to touch him like I used to. I used to not be able to keep my hands off him. That has faded over time.

So does this mean we're not "in love" after 17 years of marriage? I don't know. It depends on how you define it I guess.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2017 10:19     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sort of. We dated for a long time. I was ready to be married, and honestly, I did love him as a person. He's a great person. But I never had the PASSION for him. And that is what is still missing. I love sex, but I could take it or leave it with him.

And I was quite happy with him for a long time. But when the shit hit the fan -- and it did of course -- the weaknesses in our relationship came out. Like the lack of intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. He's a good husband. A good father. A good citizen. All that. But that chemistry? not there.

So, sure. It's fine. It's passable. Hindsight is 20-20.


PP, it's interesting that you're projecting what you perceived as a deficiency of your marriage as a deficiency in your spouse rather than a deficiency in yourself. Many women with perfectly good husbands and marriage are exactly the same. There's nothing wrong with your husband. There's something wrong with you--you've never fully committed yourself emotionally to the marriage or to your husband. Once you decide to do that, things will get much better. Of course, you do have to grow up first.


PP here. I think you are (mostly ) quite right. There is nothing wrong with DH (I don't think I said there was, actually). And yes, I've never fully committed myself emotionally to this marriage or person. I think you've it it spot on. All of the weakness in the relationship is due to me.

Sometimes DCUM is amazing in it's understanding from just a few paragraphs.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2017 01:04     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My childhood next-door neighbor did. She was my mom's age, but after college she moved to NYC on her own and lived as a single lady having her career. Then 15 years later she woke up one day and said "I want a family!" so she picked out a boring man who was her religion, had a steady job and is an okay person and married him, and cranked out two children with him.

She had the kind of husband who thought of himself as "helping" with the kids when he drove them somewhere and "babysitting" when he was in charge of them.

My mom said Neighbor kept her eye on her goal, and is happy. Maybe not deleriously in love, but happy enough to have gotten what her goal was.


So, your childhood neighbor has her boring husband, kids, and loveless marriage, and you have your...

...cats.

How many do you have?


One and a half
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:35     Subject: Re:Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:My mother did. Father looked great on paper so they were so incompatible. Sometimes just overt dislike/crazy fights.

Mom confessed once that she really loved another but he wasn't as great a catch in her eyes when they were young. So they didn't see each other for awhile (he left town) and in the meantime, my mother married my dad. The other guy returned to town just to see my mom again and to see if he could convince her to marry him. They bumped into each other in a stairwell and my mom was about 8 months pregnant with her first. He was devastated as he didn't even know she got married and they never met again. Fast forward 20 years: my mom told me she still thinks about him and when my dad passes, she wants to go find him again.

So sad.


Yes, it's sad that your mother's nutty.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:33     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:I love my husband but unfortunately the sexual part isn't great. We waited until after marriage to have sex. We married too young. I would probably marry him again if I were to go back in time. He's an amazing person.


The sexual part can be fixed.

How much effort can you honestly say that you, personally, have ever actually put into trying to have a better sex life?

If you are like most women, the answer is "zero."
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:30     Subject: Re:Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I truly loved my husband when I married him. However, thing have not gone so well with our live, largely due to poor choices he's made and his dysfunction. It's slowly dawned on me the last few years that I do not love him anymore. It's quite possible we'll divorce. The one thing that makes me saddest is thinking about how in love we once were and knowing that not all love lasts.
don't feel sad. just think off all the cash and prizes you'll get. he's the one who's fxxxxx. he's the one who's losing everything he's worked for all these years. he's the one that's likely going into a depression and kill himself. you'll be just fine


As the mother of a son my heart is hurting for you. Because someone really hurt you and you are clearly suffering for it. If you were my son I would be telling you to get some counseling. I would want you to know that relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.


As a son of a mother, I really feel sorry for your son. Your patronizing condescension has undoubtedly totally emasculated the poor lad.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:24     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think many women also settle for the economic factor, not even allowing themselves the option to leave because they don't have the earning power to make it on their own.


I think women are more realistic knowing there's no prince charming. They look around and there's not much out there. They realize their time to have a family is limited and yes economics is one of the biggest factors like anything. It's security for them and their offspring.


Or, more likely, all these women complaining that their husband isn't Prince Charming ain't exactly Cinderella either. They have unrealistic expectations on what they can expect to get as a husband. It's an entitlement mentality--it's up to the husband to "make me happy," and if "I'm not happy" it must be because there's something wrong with my husband, it couldn't possibly be because I am a psychologically disturbed loon.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:20     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:Thanks for sharing. stuff like this makes great education material for young boy's. after thousands off years wandering in the dark men have finally cracked the mystery. conclusion: women do not love men. they just manipulate and use men for the stuff we can give them. ohhh and if you wonder where all the good men have gone? they see and hear thing's like this and say. f this shit i'm out. i'm going my own way. MGTOW


The kind of women who post on message boards complaining about the lack of passion in their marriages and invariably put all the blame for it on their husbands are probably in the majority, but not necessarily representative of the overall population of married women. I imagine the non-psychos probably aren't compulsively posting on message boards about how unhappy their marriages are (but it's never their own fault of course LOL) and are probably more numerous than the psychos, but who can really tell?
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:16     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:Sort of. We dated for a long time. I was ready to be married, and honestly, I did love him as a person. He's a great person. But I never had the PASSION for him. And that is what is still missing. I love sex, but I could take it or leave it with him.

And I was quite happy with him for a long time. But when the shit hit the fan -- and it did of course -- the weaknesses in our relationship came out. Like the lack of intimacy (I don't mean sex, I mean emotional intimacy). And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this person. He's a good husband. A good father. A good citizen. All that. But that chemistry? not there.

So, sure. It's fine. It's passable. Hindsight is 20-20.


PP, it's interesting that you're projecting what you perceived as a deficiency of your marriage as a deficiency in your spouse rather than a deficiency in yourself. Many women with perfectly good husbands and marriage are exactly the same. There's nothing wrong with your husband. There's something wrong with you--you've never fully committed yourself emotionally to the marriage or to your husband. Once you decide to do that, things will get much better. Of course, you do have to grow up first.
Anonymous
Post 05/28/2017 02:13     Subject: Did you marry someone you did not love?
Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling a lot of the women here have done this, simply to attain the goal of having children. It's sad. It's. It what marriage should be. Call me crazy, but I think you should adore and be crazy about your spouse. Children should come as an offshoot of that crazy love. The spouse shouldn't simply be a means to an end.


No, you're wrong. You have the romanticized version of love/marriage.

In reality, having kids is almost the ONLY real reason anyone needs to get married. Thinking that kids are an afterthought for getting married is dysfunctional.