Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

Huh? Disconnect there. So -- parents of 1 or 2 "envy" those with 3, yet come along to "naysay" the idea of a third when someone asks about it? That's what you're saying. Do you think that the supposedly envious parents of 1-2 are both wishing they had a third, and at the same time thinking they should dissuade others from having a third, because...What? They don't want anyone to have a third if they don't themselves?

I guarantee, no one is giving the question THAT much thought. And no one with 1-2 is that envious of your having three kids.

More likely those of us with 1 or 2 see how frazzled many (not all, but many) parents with 3 or more are--unless, of course, they are like the PP earlier who has private schools, a "nanny/house cleaner" and super flexible, high-paying jobs. No frazzling there, naturally!

No, there are many mothers of 1 or 2 children who subconsciously wished for another, but couldn’t for whatever reason (even a pragmatic, logical one). They tell others how expensive, impractical, challenging, unfair-to-the-siblings, you’re-too-old, etc. the wish for a third as a way to dissuade others from getting something beautiful and precious. It’s not dissimilar to how women tell their friend with luscious hair to get an edgy pixie cut, or who don’t want their slightly chubby sister get an rx for Ozempic.

This is spot on

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

I have noticed the EXACT same thing

To answer your question, OP, no, I would not have another. My two boys are 8 and 6 and life is good. I cannot fathom going back to the baby/toddler years.

Anonymous wrote:I'd do it. I don't have any kids close in age so the age gaps wouldn't bother me. I also had 3 siblings and we were all 4-5 years apart. My mother only wanted one baby at home so when one went to school she had another. We all were and are very close.

\


My mom was the same. 3 babies, each 5 years apart. She wanted each kid in school before the next one came along. I was the middle. I don't recall my parents being stressed. My mom said it worked out perfectly for her preferences. She had her kids at 27, 32, 37.

I liked her plan but spaced out my kids 4 years apart as I was a little older. Had my kids at 31, 35, 39. I never feel stress the way I hear about it on this board.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

Huh? Disconnect there. So -- parents of 1 or 2 "envy" those with 3, yet come along to "naysay" the idea of a third when someone asks about it? That's what you're saying. Do you think that the supposedly envious parents of 1-2 are both wishing they had a third, and at the same time thinking they should dissuade others from having a third, because...What? They don't want anyone to have a third if they don't themselves?

I guarantee, no one is giving the question THAT much thought. And no one with 1-2 is that envious of your having three kids.

More likely those of us with 1 or 2 see how frazzled many (not all, but many) parents with 3 or more are--unless, of course, they are like the PP earlier who has private schools, a "nanny/house cleaner" and super flexible, high-paying jobs. No frazzling there, naturally!

No, there are many mothers of 1 or 2 children who subconsciously wished for another, but couldn’t for whatever reason (even a pragmatic, logical one). They tell others how expensive, impractical, challenging, unfair-to-the-siblings, you’re-too-old, etc. the wish for a third as a way to dissuade others from getting something beautiful and precious. It’s not dissimilar to how women tell their friend with luscious hair to get an edgy pixie cut, or who don’t want their slightly chubby sister get an rx for Ozempic.

You're actually comparing haircuts and weight loss meds to...the choice to have a child.

FFS.

And the fact you automatically assume a third child is "something beautiful and precioius" tells us you're in the "children are always desirable" camp. You do you, but the fact you assume that others are jealous they can't have more kids --and you compare it to people wanting others to, what, look worse than they themselves look? -- tells us you're pretty focused on how superior, selfless and saintly you are for having three, or at least for wanting three (or more.) How arrogant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Sure people make rude comments about it in the same way people snark on anything that is a less common life choice. But there aren’t fifty gazillion threads about “should we go for the fourth + kid?” For a variety of reasons, 2 vs. 3 kids seems to be a dividing line that people get really sensitive about.

I donMt know if you are right, but one reason for less posts about a 4th or 5th child is that very few people have 4 or 5 children… many have 2 or 3

Or 1 vs. 2. You think the comments about having a third are bad, they're nothing compared to the comments accusing you of being selfish and ruining your child by not giving them the gift of a sibling.

I don’t think this is true on DCUM

No, DCUM is usually more subtle and passive. For MY family we NEVER considered only having one because TO ME a sibling is the most important gift you can give your first born. FOR ME, parenting is my biggest joy and people who don’t want more more more kids must not enjoy parenting as much as me. YOU do you, I’m just speaking for ME.

Sure, Jan. We’ve heard it before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Sure people make rude comments about it in the same way people snark on anything that is a less common life choice. But there aren’t fifty gazillion threads about “should we go for the fourth + kid?” For a variety of reasons, 2 vs. 3 kids seems to be a dividing line that people get really sensitive about.

I donMt know if you are right, but one reason for less posts about a 4th or 5th child is that very few people have 4 or 5 children… many have 2 or 3

Or 1 vs. 2. You think the comments about having a third are bad, they're nothing compared to the comments accusing you of being selfish and ruining your child by not giving them the gift of a sibling.

I don’t think this is true on DCUM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Sure people make rude comments about it in the same way people snark on anything that is a less common life choice. But there aren’t fifty gazillion threads about “should we go for the fourth + kid?” For a variety of reasons, 2 vs. 3 kids seems to be a dividing line that people get really sensitive about.

I donMt know if you are right, but one reason for less posts about a 4th or 5th child is that very few people have 4 or 5 children… many have 2 or 3

Or 1 vs. 2. You think the comments about having a third are bad, they're nothing compared to the comments accusing you of being selfish and ruining your child by not giving them the gift of a sibling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Sure people make rude comments about it in the same way people snark on anything that is a less common life choice. But there aren’t fifty gazillion threads about “should we go for the fourth + kid?” For a variety of reasons, 2 vs. 3 kids seems to be a dividing line that people get really sensitive about.

I donMt know if you are right, but one reason for less posts about a 4th or 5th child is that very few people have 4 or 5 children… many have 2 or 3

Anonymous wrote:You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Sure people make rude comments about it in the same way people snark on anything that is a less common life choice. But there aren’t fifty gazillion threads about “should we go for the fourth + kid?” For a variety of reasons, 2 vs. 3 kids seems to be a dividing line that people get really sensitive about.

You’ve never seen the pile on when someone mentions 4+ kids? Or you’re forgetting because that didn’t fit your narrative?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

I agree to some extent, but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s envy. More that there is something evoking a defensiveness about their choice to stop at 1 or 2. It’s the same thing as when people who stay in the city after having kids snark on people moving to the suburbs, or vice versa (people raising the kids in the suburbs lashing out with comments about the city being a horrible place for kids or whatever). People are really sensitive about their life choices, especially if constraints outside their control were a factor, so they interpret other families’ choices that differ from theirs as some sort of referendum on their own lifestyle.

Obviously there are plenty of parents who contentedly stopped at 1 or 2 kids who can provide their personal insights as to why this was the right number for them who don’t have to twist themselves into pretzels about how most families with 3 kids are frazzled, can’t provide enough attention, have the worst age gap, etc. But for the people less confident in their choices, I think their responses are related to a defensiveness about something — maybe they started having kids later than they wanted, are financially stretched, don’t have a big enough house, lack patience, their marriage isn’t in the right place, or whatever.

Funnily enough I don’t see this level of response when anyone mentions having 4 or 5 + kids. I guess it’d be like going into the real estate forum and announcing you’re planning to sell your house to live in a camper van all over the country. It’s just too far out the bounds of the norm to elicit any strong feelings. But going from 2-3 is something many people can do (if they’d like, even if they don’t choose to). So seeing your peers continue having kids while you’re struggling to balance whatever is going on in your life leads to defensiveness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

Huh? Disconnect there. So -- parents of 1 or 2 "envy" those with 3, yet come along to "naysay" the idea of a third when someone asks about it? That's what you're saying. Do you think that the supposedly envious parents of 1-2 are both wishing they had a third, and at the same time thinking they should dissuade others from having a third, because...What? They don't want anyone to have a third if they don't themselves?

I guarantee, no one is giving the question THAT much thought. And no one with 1-2 is that envious of your having three kids.

More likely those of us with 1 or 2 see how frazzled many (not all, but many) parents with 3 or more are--unless, of course, they are like the PP earlier who has private schools, a "nanny/house cleaner" and super flexible, high-paying jobs. No frazzling there, naturally!

No, there are many mothers of 1 or 2 children who subconsciously wished for another, but couldn’t for whatever reason (even a pragmatic, logical one). They tell others how expensive, impractical, challenging, unfair-to-the-siblings, you’re-too-old, etc. the wish for a third as a way to dissuade others from getting something beautiful and precious. It’s not dissimilar to how women tell their friend with luscious hair to get an edgy pixie cut, or who don’t want their slightly chubby sister get an rx for Ozempic.

Wait what? I have medical problems that made a third biological child a gamble and my DH was done with 2 anyway so it was a moot point. Turns out WE are very much at capacity with two but I can definitely how lots of people have resources and time that make a third enjoyable for everyone. I do think it’s impossible to be a good modern parent of a really huge family- I was one of 5 and just can’t see how it could be done. You can purposely reject modern parenting but your kids will understand that they are not having the same childhood as their peers. Not the end of the world but not what I wanted

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the friend of several families with three children, I'd say don't do it. It will be an 8-9 year gap between the oldest & youngest making it virtually impossible to find activities that work well for everyone. For example, (kids are 12, 10, 5) can't even all go to the same movie. They generally spend the weekends split up, one parent with older kids, one with the younger.

That's a pretty limiting view of family life. My two kids are 6 years apart. Are there challenges for us as parents? Yes, but probably no more than if they were 2 years apart (which always struck me as very difficult, at least early on). Will it matter when they're adults? No! My siblings are 3, 7, and 10 years older than I am. As adults, I'm closest to the 2 oldest ones. As children, we had many all-family experiences and many split-into-2-groups experiences. I also loved when my older siblings babysat for us. Think outside the 2-kids-2-years-apart box and do what sounds best for your family, OP.

I think there are a lot of DCUM parents of 1 or 2 who subconsciously envy families with 3 children. Whenever someone posts about wanting a third, there are a bunch of naysayers who don’t themselves have 3.

Huh? Disconnect there. So -- parents of 1 or 2 "envy" those with 3, yet come along to "naysay" the idea of a third when someone asks about it? That's what you're saying. Do you think that the supposedly envious parents of 1-2 are both wishing they had a third, and at the same time thinking they should dissuade others from having a third, because...What? They don't want anyone to have a third if they don't themselves?

I guarantee, no one is giving the question THAT much thought. And no one with 1-2 is that envious of your having three kids.

More likely those of us with 1 or 2 see how frazzled many (not all, but many) parents with 3 or more are--unless, of course, they are like the PP earlier who has private schools, a "nanny/house cleaner" and super flexible, high-paying jobs. No frazzling there, naturally!

No, there are many mothers of 1 or 2 children who subconsciously wished for another, but couldn’t for whatever reason (even a pragmatic, logical one). They tell others how expensive, impractical, challenging, unfair-to-the-siblings, you’re-too-old, etc. the wish for a third as a way to dissuade others from getting something beautiful and precious. It’s not dissimilar to how women tell their friend with luscious hair to get an edgy pixie cut, or who don’t want their slightly chubby sister get an rx for Ozempic.

My friends who are happy with three either really really like saying that they have three kids “life is so crazy, can you believe we have 3 kids?” Or really enjoy their children and family time. Happy to do driving vacations, suburban life, minivan, etc. They are happy staying home and doing game night and hanging with other families.

Friends who regret their third want it all. They want two working parents, trips to Europe, city living, more 1:1 time with each child, date nights weekly. This can be done but it takes lots of money.