Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:57     Subject: Re:Do I owe this to MIL?
I wouldn't, but then I wouldn't want my mom there either.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:42     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
No. that's ridiculous, birth is not a spectator sport.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:41     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:I want to start with saying I have a good relationship with my mother in law. She's friendly and helpful and a giving Grandma. I am pregnant with our 3rd and last baby and DH told me Mil would like to be in the delivery room. She only has sons and her other daughter in laws are done having kids and she feels regretful she will never get to see any of her grandchildren born. She feels slighted because having only sons makes her the "2nd tier" grandma in all cases because all of us daughter in laws tend to defer to our mothers regarding these things. I am very guilty of this. I like my mom helping me after birth and dont mind my own mom seeing me naked or looking gross and in the past have asked MIL to come to hospital 24-48 hours after birth. It gets more complicated as she was a nurse and feels a little disrespected we wouldn't want her in the delivery room for her medical knowledge. I want to have her in the room in theory but its really hard for me to be comfortable with it. I feel very exposed and once I even pooped on my kid during the last push….ain't no body wanna see that. Well, I guess MIL does. I really want to have a great relationship with her and this is one of the few specific things she has asked us. WWYD?

It sounds to me as if she doesn't want to be there to take care of you or to help you, but rather to be there when her grandchild is born. That's understandable, and it probably makes her feel very vulnerable because it's not something she can do herself, and depends entirely on the goodwill of others.

So for me, I would want to find a way to make it happen because it's a dear wish of an old lady who is well past her birthing days. Plus you say she is a very good grandma. I would sit down with her and explain that you are very self conscious of naked and gross things during delivery, and maybe arrange for her to always be in the part of the room where she doesn't see your legs. Find out exactly what she wants - is it to see the baby emerge? To see the baby as soon as possible after birth? Like, what exactly does she want?
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:31     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Your mom is your mom. MIL is not. She needs to understand the difference. While important in your life, she is not your mother. There is no way in a million years I would agree to this. And she is wrong to ask/pressure you.

No parent is entitled to be there. But, the mom in delivery calls the shots (so to speak). That's the beginning and end in my view.

I'd say let her come as soon as baby is born and not make here wait 24-48 hours.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:27     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I think it will be awkward if your mom/MIL are both there and then you kick out just the MIL for the pushing. If you go the middle road, you will have to kick out both grandmas.

I think having these extra people there would be HORRIBLE. I've had three kids and no one but DH and the med staff was allowed in (or even to the hospital for the first 48 hours; no one needs to see me when nurses are still changing my bloody bedding).
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:19     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:I think this trend of grandmas in the delivery room needs to die out. Not just no mils no mommy mamas either. Time to grow up millennials and gen xers

THis is a weird response. I did not want my mom or MIL in the delivery room with me, but I did want/need my mom who is a neonatologist to be available by phone in case I needed to talk to her. My mom's a little hyper and hard to deal with in person during really stressful situations (like L&D), but for both my births she came to visit by the time I was went home from the hospital...and in both cases she was a godsend because she was literally the only person in the world more concerned with my well-being than the baby's.

For my second delivery, things started to go wrong, and she was the only person I wanted to talk to and I could trust to reassure me about what was happening. Because she's not the type of person who could have stopped being a doctor while in the room, it was best to get that support from her by phone. But if she were a different personality, she would have been great to have in the delivery room with me as well.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:14     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Just say no, Op. Seriously, the last time and place for you to be appeasing other people is in the L&D room.

Hopefully she is just asking because of her nursing experience.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:11     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I would never allow this and I'm pregnant now. The birth is for my husband and I and is a private and intimate moment. Everyone else is second tier.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:09     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.


I would not understand that. Not at all. As a MIL, it would not be my moment to witness, any more than sex is.


Not sure why you want to compare it with sex, but I do see your point.


Because it is private and personal and intimate to the two people who made this child. Not anyone else's moment as a spectator.


well....and the medical team. That makes it no longer intimate like sex.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:07     Subject: Re:Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A delivery room is for the mom and dad and the medical team. It is not a spectator sport.


But the OP is already having her own mom in there.


OP's mom, who gave birth to OP, fed her, changed her diapers, walked the floors with her at night, dried her tears, cheered her on when she was down, took her to doctors, supported her through thick and thin. That relationship is intimate and personal.

OP's relationship with her MIL, however good it may be, is not the same thing.


I'm not disagreeing, but your original post says mom, dad and medical team - not spectator sport. I was merely pointing out that the OP already expanded the "viewing" to add her mom so your original point is wrong.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 15:00     Subject: Re:Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A delivery room is for the mom and dad and the medical team. It is not a spectator sport.


But the OP is already having her own mom in there.


OP's mom, who gave birth to OP, fed her, changed her diapers, walked the floors with her at night, dried her tears, cheered her on when she was down, took her to doctors, supported her through thick and thin. That relationship is intimate and personal.

OP's relationship with her MIL, however good it may be, is not the same thing.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 14:59     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the PPs in this thread who thinks OP should consider it. Obviously only she knows what kind of person her MIL is. Playing devil's advocate here is it possible this could make the relationship with your MIL stronger? It's hard to let someone see you so open and vulnerable like that, absolutely, I definitely don't want to discount your feelings on that.

Also remember the amount of joy you and your husband felt (and even the nurses and doctor) when the baby was born? I don't think it's hard to imagine that someone would want to experience that. Everyone in the room was so in awe after the birth. Sure it happens all the time but every time it does happen it's still amazing. Gross, disgusting, exhausting and yet still amazing. I think OP can understand that MIL actually wants to witness that and seeing the look on her son's face when his final child is born.

I think it could be successful if you lay some serious boundaries that you are 100% comfortable with.


I would not understand that. Not at all. As a MIL, it would not be my moment to witness, any more than sex is.


Not sure why you want to compare it with sex, but I do see your point.


Because it is private and personal and intimate to the two people who made this child. Not anyone else's moment as a spectator.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 14:09     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
No, nope, never! Personally wouldn't want my mom either. I have a great relationship with both but I'm too private. I only have 2 DD and only DH was allowed in the delivery room, but my mom and siblings were in the waiting room waiting and saw me and DDs after delivery? Is this an option? A bit of a compromise? She's not in the delivery room but doesn't have to wait 24 hours to visit? To save feelings you could leave both moms out? But if you really want your mom there be frank with your DH. Would he want your mom there during a colonoscopy (good point PP) or him stripping naked in front of your mom? You are giving birth it is your choice, don't let any one peer pressure you!!!
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 14:07     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
Your H should ask his mother to think how she'd have felt if her MIL had made such a request.

I'm guessing if she took the time to put aside her misplaced disappointment at not having daughters (which would no guarantee a spot in the delivery room either!!!!) she could possibly see that she overstepped making this request.
Anonymous
Post 04/06/2017 13:59     Subject: Do I owe this to MIL?
I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I think it might make her feel better if no grandparents were present at all. (Personally i wouldn't want anyone but my husband and medical staff there, but that's just me.) If you think your own mom would be understanding about it, I'd talk to her about staying out for this one. I can understand how MIL would feel "second tier" and I don't fault her for that. But nor do I think you have an obligation to bring her in if you would be uncomfortable.