My wife throws her keys or phone occasionally when she’s angry. It’s just stupid. It’s a primal response to anger/frustration. She seems very primate-like. I should tell her that next time.

It is and, if it continues, leave.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have a disagreement on whether or not throwing or breaking objects (and not hitting anyone) during an argument is = domestic violence. If someone throws something or puts a fist through a wall during a fight is it considered domestic violence/abuse?

Let's take a poll. What do you think?

What prompted the conversation? Is this just a hypothetical or a situation in your relationship?

Of course it’s domestic violence. Acting out in rage to destroy belongings and property while arguing with a spouse is part of a coercively controlling relationship pattern. Nobody is happy seeing their things smashed nobody is happy being screamed and raged at which almost always accompanies such displays of aggression on property. It’s all sick and I’m shocked to see so many people asserting this is not domestic violence. My suspicion is that y’all are either abusers yourselves in your homes or you are living with abusers you are defending by your assertions.

Occasionally, in anger, I've slammed a door (not on anyone), pounded a table, and once kicked a trash can. My wife, on the hand, has thrown pots, dishes, glasses, knives, and food containers around the kitchen on multiple occasions, usually sending the objects near me but with enough room to deny that she was trying to hit me. But If I slam a door, you can be sure she'll accuse me of being a "toxic a-hole". Whre's the DV here? (Yup, not a great relationship ...... )

Anonymous wrote:It’s so funny how you think that the partner drawing a clear boundary has any effect on someone like this. No, they will do what they are going to do and with great frequency hurting something in the environment serves as a warning and threat that the next thing could be you.

By “boundary” I mean “this stops or I leave” and meaning it. Or leaving first. I made moves to leave and DH took it seriously. He had never cared before, no matter how I asked, no matter whether I told him it hurt our family.

It’s so funny how you think that the partner drawing a clear boundary has any effect on someone like this. No, they will do what they are going to do and with great frequency hurting something in the environment serves as a warning and threat that the next thing could be you.

It is physical abuse but not all physical abuse is the same. If a man or woman shows a pattern of this behaviour but their partner draws a clear boundary and the person shows remorse and goes into therapy there’s hope.

My husband did this and worse but has committed to changing. He hasn’t really made amends but I think we are working towards it. Because he is an otherwise good partner and father I am giving him a chance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former prosecutor here. DV frequently seemed to begin this way and over time escalated to physical violence. I would see it as a huge red flag and get out before it gets worse.

This is the universal advice I received when DH put his fist through the wall during an argument.

It's a threat, meant to intimidate.

Anonymous wrote:Former prosecutor here. DV frequently seemed to begin this way and over time escalated to physical violence. I would see it as a huge red flag and get out before it gets worse.

This is the universal advice I received when DH put his fist through the wall during an argument.

My DH on occasion would kick and throw things when we had a bad argument. The things never hit me, but they were close by. On a couple occasions he got in my face when yelling. It was frightening. It seemed to get worse once we had kids. I realized I was living in fear and walking on eggshells around him every day. He'd gaslight trying to convince me it wasn't a big deal and it was fine to get his anger out that way. He grew up in an abusive home, so I was trying to be understanding and help him through his unprocessed pain. But yea, it definitely felt like emotional abuse.

One day we sat down and I made it clear that these expressions of anger were not going to work. I wasn't going to tolerate living in fear and it wasn't an example I wanted for our children. I said if it happened one more time I would divorce him, without hesitation, and I meant it. I started planning my exit so I was prepared. Our next bad argument happened and I was waiting for the moment he'd explode. Nothing. The next one a few months later, nothing. The next one, nothing. It never happened again. That was 8 years ago. He's a great dad to our kids and otherwise a good person.

We are still together, but I will say, the fear has never completely gone away, and there's a trust that's been forever lost. And that's the saddest part of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Anger control issues. But not DV.

right. If it's something women do all the time it's an "anger control issue". If men do it it's domestic violence.

Yes, women are famous for punching walls when they get angry. Good job spotting the sexism.

Anonymous wrote:Most states do not have a crime called "domestic violence." If it is otherwise a crime, and is committed against a family or household member, you could call it "domestic violence." But you could also call emotional abuse "domestic violence" and that would not be legally correct or incorrect, it would be the same as trying to define what is "violent" or what is "mean" or what is "rude."

If someone throws something AT YOU, then that is assault. If someone throws something of yours that belongs to you and breaks it, that is destruction of property.

And really, you do not need the police to tell you if you have been subjected to "domestic violence." Even if it's not a crime, it can be intolerable relationship behavior that fully justifies leaving.

This.

Yes it is actually classified as Domestic Violence. If a partner throws an object in a arguement or fight it is Domestic Violence. It is actually Physical Abuse it comes under.

Most states do not have a crime called "domestic violence." If it is otherwise a crime, and is committed against a family or household member, you could call it "domestic violence." But you could also call emotional abuse "domestic violence" and that would not be legally correct or incorrect, it would be the same as trying to define what is "violent" or what is "mean" or what is "rude."

If someone throws something AT YOU, then that is assault. If someone throws something of yours that belongs to you and breaks it, that is destruction of property.

And really, you do not need the police to tell you if you have been subjected to "domestic violence." Even if it's not a crime, it can be intolerable relationship behavior that fully justifies leaving.