My friend adopted a baby girl and then had a biological son. The DD has a special place in their heart as their "first child" and by virtue of being a girl. The parents love both their kids equally, but act like typical nervous/concerned parents with the first (adopted) child (even though she is in HS now).

They are much more easy going with their biological kid. Maybe because he is the second child and a boy to boot!

We adopted my nephew who was being neglected as a newborn. If anything he hot slightly more love and attention from us as a baby and toddler. Every time dh and I looked at him we just saw the horrific diaper rashes he had as an infant and his timid personality. Luckily our bio child was too young to notice and after a few years things evened out.

Anonymous wrote:I have a neighbor that has a biological child and an adopted child. There is a clear difference in how they are treated. The biological child was cooed and loved and hugged held and photographed etc. etc. The adoptive child is often left alone, penned, gated, etc. Nothing abusive (I think), but just treated differently. Is this typical or a result of human nature?

Was the biological child the first child? If so, I think it may just be the difference between the first born and subsequent children. Often parents will dote on the first one and everything has to be perfect and organic everything and the baby cannot cry without parents freaking out. Number two or more is just different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I was interested in adopting until I started reading about it -- so much discouraging talk from third parties (which I would ignore) but more upsetting is all the negativity from so many adopted kids who perceive all sorts of slights, and then they rush off to some slum in Ecadour to say their drug-addled mother was really mother theresa with a touch of kate moss thrown in.

Sad stuff.

Do you really think all adoptees are angry? I think most of us are just like regular, non-adopted people; we have happy, though not perfect, lives. The unhappiest voices are always the loudest.

Well also, I think a lot of the negative talk from adoptees of my cohort (baby scoop era) isn't necessarily about adoption in general, but the practices of that time period and the difficulty we sometimes face in getting information about our biological families.

Anonymous wrote:You know, I was interested in adopting until I started reading about it -- so much discouraging talk from third parties (which I would ignore) but more upsetting is all the negativity from so many adopted kids who perceive all sorts of slights, and then they rush off to some slum in Ecadour to say their drug-addled mother was really mother theresa with a touch of kate moss thrown in.

Sad stuff.

Do you really think all adoptees are angry? I think most of us are just like regular, non-adopted people; we have happy, though not perfect, lives. The unhappiest voices are always the loudest.

You know, I was interested in adopting until I started reading about it -- so much discouraging talk from third parties (which I would ignore) but more upsetting is all the negativity from so many adopted kids who perceive all sorts of slights, and then they rush off to some slum in Ecadour to say their drug-addled mother was really mother theresa with a touch of kate moss thrown in.

Sad stuff.

Anonymous wrote:I apologize for the grammar mistakes. I was writing from the heart and got caught up the emotion of it all.

No problem. Thank you for writing from your heart.

I am thinking long and hard about what a number of adopted people have been sharing. Firstly, I thank you for your honesty and courage. I took a break reading to go down and hug one of my adopted kids, and tell how much I love him (and make him go to sleep-it's so late!) I will be thinking about what you all have said for a long time. You really touched my heart.

My DH's parents treat our adopted ones like sub-humans. They treat DH the worst of his sibs, and use the adoptions as one of their excuses. These are people with multiple advanced degrees and a beautiful lifestyle.

I am seriously thinking of cutting off all contact with these people. I didn't want my kids to not have grandparents, but now I am very close to telling them to F off.

The MIL has taken DD off with her bio grandchildren and bought nice dresses for family events we were not invited to, for example. (not a very good one to illustrate the type of common slights and petty cruelties)
They have been generous on occasion, for which I am very grateful.

The thought of making our adopted children feel less the way so many people have described is hideous. Should I just cut off the already limited contact with their so-called grandparents?

What do you all think

Anonymous wrote:Adopted children should be treated equally

People don't even treat their biological children equally under the best of circumstances. You give each child what you think is best for him or her. Hopefully, everyone's needs are met. And it is true that you love them equally, but children aren't uniform cogs in a family machine.

Anonymous wrote:This is neither typical nor the result of human nature. Adopted children start their lives out with so much loss and often a lot of trauma. This can take a toll on the child and may result in some pretty serious difficulties, such as reactive attachment disorder, sensory integration issues and/or developmental delays. Any of these conditions might mean that the child's best interests is served by a more reserved sort of parenting. Don't judge until you walk a mile in your neighbor's shoes.

Sad, but true. My friend had a foster toddler that couldn't be cuddled. His entire body froze up. They did other things to soothe him and show affection.

Yes. Adopted children are treated differently, at least I was and still am. My biological Uncle and his wife adopted me and my two sisters and brother are my cousins. My adopted dad beat my mother, and because I look like him or that side of the family I was brought up with shame because my bio uncle beat my mom. I am 42 years old now and my biological uncle died when I was 32. I can give you a lot of examples how I am treated differently. I have no one to go to or I get rejection and yelled at. I was kicked out of the house at 17, had to join the navy as I had no where to go... The only family I have is my brother (cousin) as he understands and stuck up for me and he relates to the paternal side of the family. Now he moved to another state. I am treated like I don't exist to my sisters (cousin) and my mom, (aunt). I've been alone all my life, spent countless birthdays alone, never get invited to anything and when I reach out for my mom's love I am rejected. My sisters and bother however have a very close and loving relationship which I wish I had. At 42 I've started to see how futile wanting love is.

Anonymous wrote:Adopted children should be treated equally

Thanks for clearing that up.

Adopted children should be treated equally

Anonymous wrote:There in some ways can be two types on families, those who want adopted children and love them. Total respect for them!
But in my case my parents had adopted us unwanted, and we were very much treated differently, biological children got all of the new items, clothes, did no chores, had sports..when we couldnt because they couldnt afford us...and we had to do the housework for all 9 of us..which is bullshit. bad parenting and lack of intelligence. i would have second handed everybodys clothing, no sports, get the fat mother to work to afford more, and the children share all the chores.
I think its due to maturity as well. my adopted mother was 16 when she got married, im sure her maturity and intelligence stopped as well at that age.
Im just glad Im stubborn enough to ignore her abuse and do well in school and go to university be an engineer and make tons of money that they have never seen. I can create my own perfect family instead of be a failure like so many other parents out there too stupid and arrogant to have morals.

I was adopted when i was a baby and i always felt different. i always felt out of place. i found out i was adopted when i was 13. my dad abused me. he hit me with anything ever since. I was hit with a belt, belt buckle, broom, stick, he threw pillows at me, he also slapped me before and almost punched me. he also abused me emotionally. He always said that I'm stupid, I'm a disappointment, I'm irresponsible anything thats bad he probably called me already. I hate him. but i cant do anything because their the one funding my school and the clothes on my back. I just want to finish my school so one day i can really leave. i dont want to be with them. i always feel so bad here. i hate it.

I apologize for the grammar mistakes. I was writing from the heart and got caught up the emotion of it all.