Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

My father just passed away in January. My mom has always been very needy. I have a twin brother. Much like you, he learned to put up boundaries very early on. I have not, so I still cater to a lot. Quite frankly, I am the only one who takes her calls!

The thing I hate the most though, is that even though I am the one that is there for her, whenever I am around, all she asks about is my brother. How he is doing, why he doesn't take her calls, etc.

It really hurts me that she doesn't see the son who is trying to have a relationship with her because she is too preoccupied with the one who doesn't.

Pp, sorry about your mom. I've heard about this dynamic in other families. I'm not sure what the source is--you want what you can't have?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.

Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.

I think that sometimes, people feel like they lose purpose. I don't know you or your mom, so this is just a wild guess, but as a new father (I just had a daughter who is 4 months), I now feel this whole new sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

I do fear however (already, I know!), that when she grows older and independent one day, and doesn't need me anymore, what will happen to that sense of purpose?

Will I try to inject myself into her life, or just diminish into irrelevance?

Maybe your mom is going through the same, or maybe she has always been this way.

I don't know. I am also the PP who spoke about losing his father to cancer, so I also have the perspective that there isn't always a lot of time left.

If you love them, find a way to focus on the good things and not on the things that bug you.

This is wise advice, thank you! I should try harder to look for the best in my mom, who is becoming frail.

I don't know if you read my earlier post - it seems this whole thread got derailed.

But, my father was the picture of health. Never even took a sick day that I can remember. Honestly, I really thought that I had so much more time to make him proud of me, to have a relationship with him. Then, cancer. He passed 6 months later. I can't get over how stupid I was for wasting so much time. It is the worst feeling ever. It seems cliché, but once it happens, you feel like an idiot for not listening to every other person who has been in the situation.

So sorry, pp! I bet he was proud of you already. If you're the new dad above, then you already know that just being a parent is a gift in itself. Sharing their hopes and dreams, and their love, and trying to be a good parent, always checking yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.

Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.

I think that sometimes, people feel like they lose purpose. I don't know you or your mom, so this is just a wild guess, but as a new father (I just had a daughter who is 4 months), I now feel this whole new sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

I do fear however (already, I know!), that when she grows older and independent one day, and doesn't need me anymore, what will happen to that sense of purpose?

Will I try to inject myself into her life, or just diminish into irrelevance?

Maybe your mom is going through the same, or maybe she has always been this way.

I don't know. I am also the PP who spoke about losing his father to cancer, so I also have the perspective that there isn't always a lot of time left.

If you love them, find a way to focus on the good things and not on the things that bug you.

This is wise advice, thank you! I should try harder to look for the best in my mom, who is becoming frail.

I don't know if you read my earlier post - it seems this whole thread got derailed.

But, my father was the picture of health. Never even took a sick day that I can remember. Honestly, I really thought that I had so much more time to make him proud of me, to have a relationship with him. Then, cancer. He passed 6 months later. I can't get over how stupid I was for wasting so much time. It is the worst feeling ever. It seems cliché, but once it happens, you feel like an idiot for not listening to every other person who has been in the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to feed the hijacking troll (who I doubt works with troubled teens--being that tone deaf isn't generally a recommendation for therapy work).

But being the child of divorced parents isn't all that great. My kids tell me they hate shuttling back and forth. Assignments are always at the other house. My Ex is bipolar with ADD and they've had to deal with him on their own now, although if they ask I try to help them process without bad-mouthing him. If I had known he was going to have a breakdown in front of DS, and taken away in an ambulance, I would have intervened beforehand. But the kids and I had no idea.

If you had to do it all over again, would you have stayed?

It is a shame that your EX had a breakdown in front of your DS. But, there was no way that you could have known that. More importantly, there is probably very little you could have done to prevent it as well. However, you aren't bad mouthing him, which is great and takes a lot of discipline, I am sure; you are demonstrating to your kids that they don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship, that you are not responsible for another person's happiness, and that you can make it on your own, and not be dependent on someone else. And they aren't dealing with their father all alone - you are there to help guide them through it - which you can do a much better job of - because you aren't neck deep in it yourself anymore.

Yes, the shuffling around is an inconvenience. It probably really sucks. I would venture to guess though, that the kids won't remember the inconveniences as much as they will remember how much you taught them that they have the right to be happy, to have a healthy relationship, how to be classy in difficult situations, how to have the courage to start over on your own in order to find happiness.

I really wouldn't look at what you did as a failure PP.

I'm not looking at what I did as a failure. I think you need to stop putting thoughts and justifications into other people's posts.

I'm very happy I'm no longer dealing with XDH. I'm happy and free, yes.

But it's not just about me. The impact on the kids isn't as clear-cut as you want to make it, nor is it always clear exactly what I'm modeling to them. I'm still ambivalent about it, for reasons involving them that I don't want to go into here. Life is complicated; it's not as easy as saying to your kids, "look, I'm modeling happiness so you should be happy too."

NP. Being a parent is so scary! What kids perceive is a crap shoot. I think about my parents and think about the fact that they absolutely always thought that what they were doing was the right thing. It's really all a parent can do, right? Make the best decision they can with the knowledge and information that they have at the time. But, even when we do everything right, sometimes, kids perceive what they perceive. Brand new Dad. Terrified.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.

Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.

I think that sometimes, people feel like they lose purpose. I don't know you or your mom, so this is just a wild guess, but as a new father (I just had a daughter who is 4 months), I now feel this whole new sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

I do fear however (already, I know!), that when she grows older and independent one day, and doesn't need me anymore, what will happen to that sense of purpose?

Will I try to inject myself into her life, or just diminish into irrelevance?

Maybe your mom is going through the same, or maybe she has always been this way.

I don't know. I am also the PP who spoke about losing his father to cancer, so I also have the perspective that there isn't always a lot of time left.

If you love them, find a way to focus on the good things and not on the things that bug you.

This is wise advice, thank you! I should try harder to look for the best in my mom, who is becoming frail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

This is my point exactly - to all those people out there staying with spouses for the sake of the kids -

Your kids aren't stupid. They are extremely perceptive. They understand what is going on - no matter how hard you try to pretend that it's okay - it's not.

You are actually doing more harm than good.

For all you women out there - be an example of a strong, independent woman, who doesn't depend on a man - so that your daughters can have the same mindset one day and not be trapped in miserable marriages like you were.

Have the strength and courage to figure out a way to live on your own and leave these bad marriages for the sake of your children - who have to witness the dysfunction and the dead look in mommy's eyes as she eeks out a miserable existence "for the sake of the kids".

Stop telling yourself you are doing something strong for the sake of the kids. You are actually doing something weak for the sake of yourself.

Said the spineless wimp who walked out on his/her marriage because it was easier than staying and trying to work it out. And now feels s/he has to justify her own lack of backbone by tearing into Internet strangers.

Wow, way to show us you're a big girl anonymously!

You, my dear, are a complete f'ing loser.

Actually, never married, no kids. But that was a very nice try.

I work with at risk youth and teenagers with behavioral problems.

I get to fix all the problems people like you create.

But hey, that was a very good attempt.

Ahahaha! So why don't you just admit that you have zero experience in relationships or in parenting?

As a researcher, I have to wonder why the hell you think your limited experience with a limited group of kids, many of whom are struggling with other things like add or drugs a friend introduced them to, is representative of anything like the wider universe of relationships and kids? And why don't you just admit that you only meet the kids who are struggling and never meet the kids who are doing well? Let me help: why don't you take a tour of this forum and check out the threads about couples who tried to make it work and succeeded?

How the hell are you qualified to dispense advice, via bullying no less, on ANYTHING? Don't you deal with bullying in your job? Don't you tell kids it's bad?

I wouldn't trust somebody with your personality with my parrot or dog, let alone my kid.

LOL... aww - I realize I struck a nerve with you... Look, you should probably find a way to deal with your guilt... More plausible though - find a way to deal with your miserable life.

It's a shame that you picked the wrong person to spend your life with. It's a shame that you are too scared to venture out on your own and start a new life, one that has the possibility of happiness.

But, it's inexcusable that you drag your kid down with you.

Troll ploy #322: I struck a nerve! Didn't I! Please validate me as a troll by saying yes, puhleeze?!

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm so much happier without XDH. Life is great now--bought the house, great new job, going to Europe in 2 months, dating a great new guy. As I knew before when I was sticking in the marriage--I'm the pp above who wanted to protect the kids from the mental illness including the breakdown.

But you just keep on being you. It's totally working for you.

Why are you making an argument to stay for the kids, when you left?

Doesn't make much sense - or did I miss something?

He left. Decided he wanted to retire early rather than pay for DC's top ivy. (Yep, not all kids in bad marriages end up failing at life, geez).

Only on DCUM do we measure the success and happiness of a child based on where they got into college... Because that is certainly the indicator on how that child feels...

More importantly, I am pretty sure I didn't say anything about all children failing at life because they were part of bad marriages.

I am pretty sure I said, that people who claim to stay for the kids, aren't staying for the kids... They stay for themselves and rationalize it, by saying they stay for their kids. In the meantime, they live loveless, miserable lives, which their children pick up on, and believe to be the way that relationships should be, which then, severely hinders their own ability to have healthy relationships, because they don't even know what a healthy relationship is. It is not a great example to set.

As I read through DCUM - I have yet to read the post that says, "I stay with my shitty DH because he endangers the life of my children, and I have to stay to protect them."

What I do see and read a lot of - is the SAHM, who doesn't want to have to go out and get a job, doesn't want to disrupt the money train, and they stay in a crappy marriage, often times having affairs, and demonstrating the very worst of relationships to their children, but then say, oh, I stayed in the marriage for the kids... Or the DH who hates his wife, has affairs, but doesn't want to split up his assets, or pay child support and alimony, so he stays in the relationship because it's cheaper - but of course, he's doing it for the kids too.

So, spare me.

Oh FFS. I have always worked full time except for 3 months of maternity leave with each kid. My Ex is going to get a few hundred/month of MY pension because I always earned more.

Your simplistic view of gold digging wives and sob dads with trophy wives says way too much about your naivety and isolation. And going after SAHMs with stereotypes seems just slimy to this working mom.

What are you, 25? Just shut up already.

Anonymous wrote:13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

My father just passed away in January. My mom has always been very needy. I have a twin brother. Much like you, he learned to put up boundaries very early on. I have not, so I still cater to a lot. Quite frankly, I am the only one who takes her calls!

The thing I hate the most though, is that even though I am the one that is there for her, whenever I am around, all she asks about is my brother. How he is doing, why he doesn't take her calls, etc.

It really hurts me that she doesn't see the son who is trying to have a relationship with her because she is too preoccupied with the one who doesn't.

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents. They're good people, generous and kind. They've taught my brother and I good values that would benefit us throughout life.

Unfortunately, I don't like being around my mom, who's the worst kind of micromanager and a nit-picking perfectionist. The realization started dawning around my 20s, but it was manageable b/c I lived far away. Now that mom lives close, our daily interactions really magnify our dysfunctional dynamic. I'm in my 40s and still being parented on every little thing. It's exhausting.

I think that sometimes, people feel like they lose purpose. I don't know you or your mom, so this is just a wild guess, but as a new father (I just had a daughter who is 4 months), I now feel this whole new sense of purpose that I never thought possible.

I do fear however (already, I know!), that when she grows older and independent one day, and doesn't need me anymore, what will happen to that sense of purpose?

Will I try to inject myself into her life, or just diminish into irrelevance?

Maybe your mom is going through the same, or maybe she has always been this way.

I don't know. I am also the PP who spoke about losing his father to cancer, so I also have the perspective that there isn't always a lot of time left.

If you love them, find a way to focus on the good things and not on the things that bug you.

13:06 with the break-down Ex here. This thread has been derailed for 3 pages by somebody who is definitely not a therapist and doesn't seem much older than 13.

Let's get back to OP's question about posters' relationships with their parents.

My dad died when I was youngish so I didn't really have a chance to dislike him. I did admire him a lot for his patience and wisdom.

When I was about 32 I realized that my mom is very needy and will take as much as I can give and then ask for more. I learned to put boundaries between us. My sister had figured this all out as a teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

This is my point exactly - to all those people out there staying with spouses for the sake of the kids -

Your kids aren't stupid. They are extremely perceptive. They understand what is going on - no matter how hard you try to pretend that it's okay - it's not.

You are actually doing more harm than good.

For all you women out there - be an example of a strong, independent woman, who doesn't depend on a man - so that your daughters can have the same mindset one day and not be trapped in miserable marriages like you were.

Have the strength and courage to figure out a way to live on your own and leave these bad marriages for the sake of your children - who have to witness the dysfunction and the dead look in mommy's eyes as she eeks out a miserable existence "for the sake of the kids".

Stop telling yourself you are doing something strong for the sake of the kids. You are actually doing something weak for the sake of yourself.

Said the spineless wimp who walked out on his/her marriage because it was easier than staying and trying to work it out. And now feels s/he has to justify her own lack of backbone by tearing into Internet strangers.

Wow, way to show us you're a big girl anonymously!

You, my dear, are a complete f'ing loser.

Actually, never married, no kids. But that was a very nice try.

I work with at risk youth and teenagers with behavioral problems.

I get to fix all the problems people like you create.

But hey, that was a very good attempt.

Ahahaha! So why don't you just admit that you have zero experience in relationships or in parenting?

As a researcher, I have to wonder why the hell you think your limited experience with a limited group of kids, many of whom are struggling with other things like add or drugs a friend introduced them to, is representative of anything like the wider universe of relationships and kids? And why don't you just admit that you only meet the kids who are struggling and never meet the kids who are doing well? Let me help: why don't you take a tour of this forum and check out the threads about couples who tried to make it work and succeeded?

How the hell are you qualified to dispense advice, via bullying no less, on ANYTHING? Don't you deal with bullying in your job? Don't you tell kids it's bad?

I wouldn't trust somebody with your personality with my parrot or dog, let alone my kid.

LOL... aww - I realize I struck a nerve with you... Look, you should probably find a way to deal with your guilt... More plausible though - find a way to deal with your miserable life.

It's a shame that you picked the wrong person to spend your life with. It's a shame that you are too scared to venture out on your own and start a new life, one that has the possibility of happiness.

But, it's inexcusable that you drag your kid down with you.

Troll ploy #322: I struck a nerve! Didn't I! Please validate me as a troll by saying yes, puhleeze?!

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm so much happier without XDH. Life is great now--bought the house, great new job, going to Europe in 2 months, dating a great new guy. As I knew before when I was sticking in the marriage--I'm the pp above who wanted to protect the kids from the mental illness including the breakdown.

But you just keep on being you. It's totally working for you.

Why are you making an argument to stay for the kids, when you left?

Doesn't make much sense - or did I miss something?

He left. Decided he wanted to retire early rather than pay for DC's top ivy. (Yep, not all kids in bad marriages end up failing at life, geez).

Only on DCUM do we measure the success and happiness of a child based on where they got into college... Because that is certainly the indicator on how that child feels...

More importantly, I am pretty sure I didn't say anything about all children failing at life because they were part of bad marriages.

I am pretty sure I said, that people who claim to stay for the kids, aren't staying for the kids... They stay for themselves and rationalize it, by saying they stay for their kids. In the meantime, they live loveless, miserable lives, which their children pick up on, and believe to be the way that relationships should be, which then, severely hinders their own ability to have healthy relationships, because they don't even know what a healthy relationship is. It is not a great example to set.

As I read through DCUM - I have yet to read the post that says, "I stay with my shitty DH because he endangers the life of my children, and I have to stay to protect them."

What I do see and read a lot of - is the SAHM, who doesn't want to have to go out and get a job, doesn't want to disrupt the money train, and they stay in a crappy marriage, often times having affairs, and demonstrating the very worst of relationships to their children, but then say, oh, I stayed in the marriage for the kids... Or the DH who hates his wife, has affairs, but doesn't want to split up his assets, or pay child support and alimony, so he stays in the relationship because it's cheaper - but of course, he's doing it for the kids too.

So, spare me.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Reposting for formatting.

[quote=Anonymous]

I guess I am really confused as how you justify your behavior and your life.

You and your DH have a self-admitted dysfunctional marriage, which you also admit creates resentment from your child, but you think you are doing the right thing by staying together... You are doing that for the kid.

Let me repeat that, since you don't seem to be able to read well.

1. My marriage is dysfunctional
2. My children are learning to hate their father and quite possibly me because of the dysfunctional marriage

But, somehow, us staying together, is in the best interest of the kids.

Am I missing something?[/quote]

Yes. You're missing that I'm not OP or the PP in the dysfunctional marriage, although you're responding to me.

Newsflash: there seem to be several of us here who find you ignorant, naive, and appalling.

PS. one more reference to everybody else's "lack of reading comprehension" and you might as well tattoo "I'm a 13-year-old troll" on your forehead.[/quote]

Several... as in 3?

Wow... Thanks to the 3 whole people on DCUM that believe that the best option available, is to demonstrate how an unhealthy relationship works to their children, I think I will completely change my mind.

Damn, wish that happened sooner.

Maybe you should get a tattoo on your forehead - "Weak, Pathetic, Shitty Parent"

[/quote]

You seem a little wound up. And thanks for stealing my line about the tattoo--imitation obviously being the sincerest form of flattery.

Almost doesn't seem worth pointing out that dealing with 20 kids who come from dysfunctional families doesn't exactly make you an expert on what makes families and parents tick. You should get out there more, meet some families that worked it out. Meet some kids who were saved from joint custody with one of the parents being deranged or angry or incompetent or mentally ill or addicted. It's pretty hard to get sole custody, you know, so for some of us protecting the kids is the only reason to stay with a jerk.[/quote]

Again, I was responding to what ONE person wrote... Not telling ALL people that the answer is the leave... I think you are really having a hard time reading or understanding the situation... Which, I feel bad for you, but reading comprehension!!!

Again, the poster I responded to said...

I HAVE A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
MY CHILDREN ARE STARTING TO HATE THEIR FATHER and MAY FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME...

She didn't say, oh, my DH is abusing my kids and is off his rocker and I need to stay for my kids...

She said... I MAINTAIN A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE, WHICH IS NOW AFFECTING MY KIDS TO THE POINT THAT THEY HATE US...

I don't really see any justification for that...

But, somehow, you all take that as some manifesto against all married couples that have children and go through rough times...

Again, there must be some level of projection going on here...[/quote]

Oh go away. You may work with kids, but you're worse than many armchair psychologists.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to feed the hijacking troll (who I doubt works with troubled teens--being that tone deaf isn't generally a recommendation for therapy work).

But being the child of divorced parents isn't all that great. My kids tell me they hate shuttling back and forth. Assignments are always at the other house. My Ex is bipolar with ADD and they've had to deal with him on their own now, although if they ask I try to help them process without bad-mouthing him. If I had known he was going to have a breakdown in front of DS, and taken away in an ambulance, I would have intervened beforehand. But the kids and I had no idea.

If you had to do it all over again, would you have stayed?

It is a shame that your EX had a breakdown in front of your DS. But, there was no way that you could have known that. More importantly, there is probably very little you could have done to prevent it as well. However, you aren't bad mouthing him, which is great and takes a lot of discipline, I am sure; you are demonstrating to your kids that they don't have to stay in an unhealthy relationship, that you are not responsible for another person's happiness, and that you can make it on your own, and not be dependent on someone else. And they aren't dealing with their father all alone - you are there to help guide them through it - which you can do a much better job of - because you aren't neck deep in it yourself anymore.

Yes, the shuffling around is an inconvenience. It probably really sucks. I would venture to guess though, that the kids won't remember the inconveniences as much as they will remember how much you taught them that they have the right to be happy, to have a healthy relationship, how to be classy in difficult situations, how to have the courage to start over on your own in order to find happiness.

I really wouldn't look at what you did as a failure PP.

I'm not looking at what I did as a failure. I think you need to stop putting thoughts and justifications into other people's posts.

I'm very happy I'm no longer dealing with XDH. I'm happy and free, yes.

But it's not just about me. The impact on the kids isn't as clear-cut as you want to make it, nor is it always clear exactly what I'm modeling to them. I'm still ambivalent about it, for reasons involving them that I don't want to go into here. Life is complicated; it's not as easy as saying to your kids, "look, I'm modeling happiness so you should be happy too."

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Reposting for formatting.

[quote=Anonymous]

I guess I am really confused as how you justify your behavior and your life.

You and your DH have a self-admitted dysfunctional marriage, which you also admit creates resentment from your child, but you think you are doing the right thing by staying together... You are doing that for the kid.

Let me repeat that, since you don't seem to be able to read well.

1. My marriage is dysfunctional
2. My children are learning to hate their father and quite possibly me because of the dysfunctional marriage

But, somehow, us staying together, is in the best interest of the kids.

Am I missing something?[/quote]

Yes. You're missing that I'm not OP or the PP in the dysfunctional marriage, although you're responding to me.

Newsflash: there seem to be several of us here who find you ignorant, naive, and appalling.

PS. one more reference to everybody else's "lack of reading comprehension" and you might as well tattoo "I'm a 13-year-old troll" on your forehead.[/quote]

Several... as in 3?

Wow... Thanks to the 3 whole people on DCUM that believe that the best option available, is to demonstrate how an unhealthy relationship works to their children, I think I will completely change my mind.

Damn, wish that happened sooner.

Maybe you should get a tattoo on your forehead - "Weak, Pathetic, Shitty Parent"

[/quote]

You seem a little wound up. And thanks for stealing my line about the tattoo--imitation obviously being the sincerest form of flattery.

Almost doesn't seem worth pointing out that dealing with 20 kids who come from dysfunctional families doesn't exactly make you an expert on what makes families and parents tick. You should get out there more, meet some families that worked it out. Meet some kids who were saved from joint custody with one of the parents being deranged or angry or incompetent or mentally ill or addicted. It's pretty hard to get sole custody, you know, so for some of us protecting the kids is the only reason to stay with a jerk.[/quote]

Again, I was responding to what ONE person wrote... Not telling ALL people that the answer is the leave... I think you are really having a hard time reading or understanding the situation... Which, I feel bad for you, but reading comprehension!!!

Again, the poster I responded to said...

I HAVE A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE
MY CHILDREN ARE STARTING TO HATE THEIR FATHER and MAY FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME...

She didn't say, oh, my DH is abusing my kids and is off his rocker and I need to stay for my kids...

She said... I MAINTAIN A DYSFUNCTIONAL MARRIAGE, WHICH IS NOW AFFECTING MY KIDS TO THE POINT THAT THEY HATE US...

I don't really see any justification for that...

But, somehow, you all take that as some manifesto against all married couples that have children and go through rough times...

Again, there must be some level of projection going on here...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

This is my point exactly - to all those people out there staying with spouses for the sake of the kids -

Your kids aren't stupid. They are extremely perceptive. They understand what is going on - no matter how hard you try to pretend that it's okay - it's not.

You are actually doing more harm than good.

For all you women out there - be an example of a strong, independent woman, who doesn't depend on a man - so that your daughters can have the same mindset one day and not be trapped in miserable marriages like you were.

Have the strength and courage to figure out a way to live on your own and leave these bad marriages for the sake of your children - who have to witness the dysfunction and the dead look in mommy's eyes as she eeks out a miserable existence "for the sake of the kids".

Stop telling yourself you are doing something strong for the sake of the kids. You are actually doing something weak for the sake of yourself.

Said the spineless wimp who walked out on his/her marriage because it was easier than staying and trying to work it out. And now feels s/he has to justify her own lack of backbone by tearing into Internet strangers.

Wow, way to show us you're a big girl anonymously!

You, my dear, are a complete f'ing loser.

Actually, never married, no kids. But that was a very nice try.

I work with at risk youth and teenagers with behavioral problems.

I get to fix all the problems people like you create.

But hey, that was a very good attempt.

Ahahaha! So why don't you just admit that you have zero experience in relationships or in parenting?

As a researcher, I have to wonder why the hell you think your limited experience with a limited group of kids, many of whom are struggling with other things like add or drugs a friend introduced them to, is representative of anything like the wider universe of relationships and kids? And why don't you just admit that you only meet the kids who are struggling and never meet the kids who are doing well? Let me help: why don't you take a tour of this forum and check out the threads about couples who tried to make it work and succeeded?

How the hell are you qualified to dispense advice, via bullying no less, on ANYTHING? Don't you deal with bullying in your job? Don't you tell kids it's bad?

I wouldn't trust somebody with your personality with my parrot or dog, let alone my kid.

LOL... aww - I realize I struck a nerve with you... Look, you should probably find a way to deal with your guilt... More plausible though - find a way to deal with your miserable life.

It's a shame that you picked the wrong person to spend your life with. It's a shame that you are too scared to venture out on your own and start a new life, one that has the possibility of happiness.

But, it's inexcusable that you drag your kid down with you.

Troll ploy #322: I struck a nerve! Didn't I! Please validate me as a troll by saying yes, puhleeze?!

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm so much happier without XDH. Life is great now--bought the house, great new job, going to Europe in 2 months, dating a great new guy. As I knew before when I was sticking in the marriage--I'm the pp above who wanted to protect the kids from the mental illness including the breakdown.

But you just keep on being you. It's totally working for you.

Why are you making an argument to stay for the kids, when you left?

Doesn't make much sense - or did I miss something?

He left. Decided he wanted to retire early rather than pay for DC's top ivy. (Yep, not all kids in bad marriages end up failing at life, geez).

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Reposting for formatting.

[quote=Anonymous]

I guess I am really confused as how you justify your behavior and your life.

You and your DH have a self-admitted dysfunctional marriage, which you also admit creates resentment from your child, but you think you are doing the right thing by staying together... You are doing that for the kid.

Let me repeat that, since you don't seem to be able to read well.

1. My marriage is dysfunctional
2. My children are learning to hate their father and quite possibly me because of the dysfunctional marriage

But, somehow, us staying together, is in the best interest of the kids.

Am I missing something?[/quote]

Yes. You're missing that I'm not OP or the PP in the dysfunctional marriage, although you're responding to me.

Newsflash: there seem to be several of us here who find you ignorant, naive, and appalling.

PS. one more reference to everybody else's "lack of reading comprehension" and you might as well tattoo "I'm a 13-year-old troll" on your forehead.[/quote]

Several... as in 3?

Wow... Thanks to the 3 whole people on DCUM that believe that the best option available, is to demonstrate how an unhealthy relationship works to their children, I think I will completely change my mind.

Damn, wish that happened sooner.

Maybe you should get a tattoo on your forehead - "Weak, Pathetic, Shitty Parent"

[/quote]

You seem a little wound up. And thanks for stealing my line about the tattoo--imitation obviously being the sincerest form of flattery.

Almost doesn't seem worth pointing out that dealing with 20 kids who come from dysfunctional families doesn't exactly make you an expert on what makes families and parents tick. You should get out there more, meet some families that worked it out. Meet some kids who were saved from joint custody with one of the parents being deranged or angry or incompetent or mentally ill or addicted. It's pretty hard to get sole custody, you know, so for some of us protecting the kids is the only reason to stay with a jerk.