Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL and would never do this to my MIL and FIL, who host a very different kind of Thanksgiving than what I prefer. I think it's shockingly rude of your son and DIL to invite the family to a Thanksgiving dinner at their house when you traditionally host... without even giving you a heads-up.

Not only that, but it puts the other guests in a really awkward position.

My MIL and FIL are like you and have a lot of extended family and some friends who come, each and every year.

Your son should have discussed it with you first, period. This is on him. For all you know, your DIL assumed he had.

This is a good point too! My aunt has been hosting our family's Thanksgiving for two decades. At this point it's assumed by everyone that we're going there each year. This could change of course someday, but if I just got an evite out of the blue from her DIL, in early November, inviting me to Thanksgiving at her house, I would be frankly confused.

I blame the son as much as the DIL, but upending family tradition like this, via evite and with no warning, is strange behavior.

She doesn't have to discuss it with you as she also have her own family with your son. You are considered extended family.

It's not far fetched to say that she talked to your son about having their own small family tradition and he says yes.

Talk to you son, instead of thinking the worse about your DIL. He probably supposed to be the one who explained it to you but haven't done so.

This could happen in my family, if I ran this past my DH and he assured me his mother would be fine with it - without even discussing it with her first. Or, he might have mentioned it in passing to her and not picked up on cues that she was sensitive about it. I can totally see us getting to this exact point with no ill will intended. Just adding my voice to a chorus of many but OP, you MUST talk to your son.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL and I think the evite is weird and passive aggressive. I'm having thanksgiving at my house this year because I'm having a baby next week, but MIL is still hosting. My MIL was consulted on the menu, what was being made vs. purchased, who was making things (not me). My husband will coordinate it all the weekend of. If my MIL called to say she had friends she wanted to come I would have said "great, can they bring 2 more folding chairs and some wine or a pie?"

Good for you.

Anonymous wrote:Why is it weird to offer my good China, which is a complete set? My DIL doesn't have enough to set for our whole family. I'm just trying to be nice.

Your DIL is an adult who wants the responsibility of hosting Thanksgiving dinner (which includes having enough plates for everyone), she will figure it out. If she needs/wants your china, she will ask.

I'm a DIL and I think the evite is weird and passive aggressive. I'm having thanksgiving at my house this year because I'm having a baby next week, but MIL is still hosting. My MIL was consulted on the menu, what was being made vs. purchased, who was making things (not me). My husband will coordinate it all the weekend of. If my MIL called to say she had friends she wanted to come I would have said "great, can they bring 2 more folding chairs and some wine or a pie?"

Why is it weird to offer my good China, which is a complete set? My DIL doesn't have enough to set for our whole family. I'm just trying to be nice.

MIL should host her more important long time friends at her home using her china. She can tell them how awful DIL is and how things can NEVER CHANGE. She's her son's mom and knows he wouldn't do this to her. I'm positive MIL won't be missed at son and DIL's holiday, and it will be more pleasant without her.

OP save complaining for your friends. Don't make things worse with your son's family.

If my family hosted Thanksgiving, we'd also invite the lifelong family friends. My husband's aunt and uncle have friends like this. I'd feel like a jerk for messing up that situation., AND my husband, who has spent nearly every TG with them since he was a kid, would want them here. I could also see my FIL asking us if he can bring a friend of his who sometimes comes to family things. We'd say sure, why not? I can't see why we'd turn anyone away.

Doesn't OP's son want the friends there? He's been having Thanksgiving dinner with them all these years, too. I'd love to hear 1 the daughter's side of this. The only reason we'd exclude anyone is if they're terribly offensive assholes. And maybe that s why DIL is excluding the family friends.

I can totally see OP's side here.

Op, talk to your son about the friends. Ask specifically if they can come. Offer to bring one side dish, NOT YOUR CHINA (that is wayyyyy too Controlling). Then sit back and let her host.

I think this was the son's responsibility to handle, but OP should have seen this coming. A marriage changes things for your son. He has to put his wife first now, and chances are his wife is not an orphan, and would want to see her family for some holidays.

OP, remember back to when you were a young bride with a new set of china. Did you always do everything your own MIL wanted, and without resentment? Did you think you needed to get your MIL's permission? Did you entertain your IL's old friends in your home? You, like all DILs, probably had some of your own opinions and ways of doing things that were different from your MIL's. Give DIL a break.

Chances are your son has no idea that your hosting has meant so much to you. He probably thinks he still has time to call you about it. Call HIM and talk to HIM.

Also embrace the new millenial idea of Friendsgiving, or Fakesgiving. Google the words. You'll be surprised.

I'm just so hurt by this

This is what Op said. This is so weird. And possibly a sign of being manipulative - emotionally manipulative. Op, if you are SO hurt by THIS, you have had your way too often. This is a little thing. Stop with the drama.

the place the DIL has in the family

DIL has a very firm place - her family. DIL and husband have a family of the 2 of them (or more?) They will have their own celebration.

MIL I would suggest, to lessen your discomfort re: your long time friends, that you decline actual Thanksgiving w/son and /DIL this first year in favor of keeping (perceived) obligation to your friends. Mention to them what happened (without drama. And without bashing the DIL) Everyone can ease into, what may be, a new routine for future years. No drama. None. (can you do that MIL?)

Anonymous wrote:OP, a couple questions:

Does your son and DIL have children? (ages?)

How far away do they live?

Also, how long have they been married?

OP, a couple questions:

Does your son and DIL have children? (ages?)

How far away do they live?

The china thing is SO WEIRD.