Anonymous wrote:OP again. 2104, you are right that my desire to tell her husband is totally not coming from a good place. It is that immature baby in me that wants her to get her due. But I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on being a freaking Khaleesi warrior rock of stability for my babies.

So what? If i were the DH in this case, i dont care where your heart was, i'd want to know if my wife were a cheating whore. My wife running around sopening her legs for her boss? Absolutely, id want to know. I don't like being made a fool out of and don't want some dirt bags sloppy seconds.

I think there are good reasons not to tell, including keeping away from the drama, focusing on yourself the kids, coparenting. And the job issue.

But I also think there is a reason to tell and that is that once the affair is no longer secret on anyone's part, and is out in the cold, cruel light of the day, and the consequences start to rack up, well often that is when the affair glow wears off. If OP has any interest in potentially salvaging her marriage, the affair needs to stop first, which it clearly hasn't. There is no guarantee that telling will stop it, but if the OW is lying to her husband and still seeing OP's spouse, they are still living in fantasy life. real life is much harder on affairs. If OP has no intention of EVER salvaging her marriage, then telling is probably not in her interest.

OP, check out surviving infidelity. you might get some pointers there. In the meantime, I wish you the best possible in this terrible situation.

Anonymous wrote:My wife left right before Christmas. I showered the kids with love and it was fine.

It wasn't. They may not have told you, but it wasn't fine.

- Someone whose mom left right before Christmas.

My wife left right before Christmas. I showered the kids with love and it was fine.

Most people hold off on separating until after the holidays. At least that's what my dad---a family law attorney---always says.

Play nice through the holidays. Use the time to get your ducks in a row and figure out how you two plan to successfully coparent.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't speak to what you're going through and you have my deepest sympathy. I am a child of divorce though. I have absolutely no idea what caused my parents' divorce and I have always been grateful for that. If there was infidelity or neglect or anything else, I don't know about it. My mom never, ever badmouthed my dad nor the other way around, and they worked together cooperatively on any issues involving me as I was growing up. My mom said to me one time, in reference to another friend's relationship, that even though she and my dad obviously didn't last as a couple, the one thing that always held them together was the shared experience of how much they loved me. I hope you can keep that in mind, or something similar that works for you, for your kids' sake. Good luck.

This is lovely.

I would stay in his face after he moves out.

Most important thing - and I have been through this as a kid myself - is that they will only remember what you say for the first 30 sec of the talk. So make that count. After that it will all be a blur. This is also a moment in their lives that they will NEVER EVER forget - in a bad way. There will be the BEFORE and the AFTER. So tell them, tell them you love them, tell them its not their fault, you'll always be a family and 30 sec are up. They will be internally panicking at that point. Let them react, etc. Then be available for questions about how this will affect their lives and do not talk about how it affects your life.

OP again. 2104, you are right that my desire to tell her husband is totally not coming from a good place. It is that immature baby in me that wants her to get her due. But I don't want to focus on that. I want to focus on being a freaking Khaleesi warrior rock of stability for my babies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look your bickering aside, this is why some people find it so hard to move on from divorce. They become consumed with ruining the AP's life or making sure they get their comeuppance, or making sure their kids somehow find out their other parent is a cheater so they can "know the truth." The reality is that DOES NOT MATTER, nor does it help anyone heal and move on. It keeps you stuck in an endless negative feedback loop. Truthfully, some people cheat and never face real terrible repercussions. They go on and live happy lives and their children love them. So while that's happening, do you want to be the bitter ex spouse still endlessly waiting for the bad stuff to finally happen, or do you want to be the happy ex who also moved on and has a great new life as well?

You are willfully ignoring what others have said. She doesn't tell to ruin the AP's life. She tells to her the other betrayed spouse. His marriage right now is a lie. And his cheating wife may well be preparing to leave - moving assets, laying groundwork with their family and friends so she doesn't appear the bad guy - you name it. He has the RIGHT to know what could hit him like a ton of bricks.

Jesus. The moral bankruptcy of people on this board, who think that no one should have to deal with the consequences of their OWN bad actions.

No I'm not ignoring anything. Op can't know if telling helps or hurts. If they have no intention of divorcing, it would hurt. It's not for her to decide. In any case, nobody who ever tells the AP's spouse does so out of genuine concern. They do it to fuck up the AP's life or at least cause trouble for them. I get the impulse, don't get me wrong, but that is the real motivation at base for doing that.

"In any case"? "Nobody who ever"?

Your insight into every single betrayed spouse is just amazing. You are clearly ignorant of the many reasons why one betrayed spouse should tell the other.

People tell for all kinds of reasons. As another poster pointed out, sometimes they tell because they need an ally in breaking up an affair, and their best ally is the other spouse. Sometimes they tell because they know that the affair partner has too much to lose and won't risk any public exposure. Sometimes they tell because they don't want the other betrayed spouse caught off-guard. Do those things "f**k" up the AP's life? No, the telling isn't what does that. The AP screwed everything up on his or her own. Consequences are what they are.

OP here again. Forgot to mention they could get fired over this. My husband is her manager. And NO I will NOT report them for it... Getting my husband fired will hurt my kids. No job means no money, and right now we have equal salaries so I do NOT want to end up in a position where I'm paying HIM or he can't carry his load with the kids and saving for their futures.

I don't understand why, if the AP and her husband are already in counseling, you want to tell him that your marriage is breaking up. You don't even know this guy, do you? Why do you care if he knows your marriage is over? He is in counseling with his wife--he already knows they have issues.

Forget him! You have limited emotional energy. Focus on your children and yourself. Read up on how to tell your kids. Go see a therapist--are you already? If not, you should be...you need to be an emotional rock for your children and you need support to do that--and plan it out. You and your soon-to-be-ex should go together to talk and plan this. I would not tell your kids this weekend unless you have really researched it, come to a plan together, and gotten emotional support (therapy) for yourself for what will be a rough time.

OP here. I'm probably.not going to tell her husband. Mostly because I'm selfish right now and worried that telling him would just end their marriage, making her available to my soon to be ex husband.. I'm not a bad person. I'm not mean or vindictive. I'm just scared, hurt, and so blindsided. In a deep dark place I do want her to suffer as I have.

The rational side of me knows nothing good could come of it, and I'll regret it later. I'll use Michelle Obama's tip... When they go low, we go high. And I'm doing it for my kids.

Now, if he ever introduces her to my kids... Dear lord help me.

For what it's worth, I don't know that APs husband knows. I just know they are in counseling.

Any tips for the constant cycling of tears, anger, and fear? How long does this last? I was thinking of telling him once he moves out that we need to only communicate about the kids and divorce details. I don't say that to be mean, but to help myself move on. I think it is the best way to keep it amicable.

Your divorce is a huge threat to that dude's marriage. Tell him. There is a lot of postulating on this thread by people have not even been close to a situation like this, or were in the situation but were the Bad Guys.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look your bickering aside, this is why some people find it so hard to move on from divorce. They become consumed with ruining the AP's life or making sure they get their comeuppance, or making sure their kids somehow find out their other parent is a cheater so they can "know the truth." The reality is that DOES NOT MATTER, nor does it help anyone heal and move on. It keeps you stuck in an endless negative feedback loop. Truthfully, some people cheat and never face real terrible repercussions. They go on and live happy lives and their children love them. So while that's happening, do you want to be the bitter ex spouse still endlessly waiting for the bad stuff to finally happen, or do you want to be the happy ex who also moved on and has a great new life as well?

You are willfully ignoring what others have said. She doesn't tell to ruin the AP's life. She tells to her the other betrayed spouse. His marriage right now is a lie. And his cheating wife may well be preparing to leave - moving assets, laying groundwork with their family and friends so she doesn't appear the bad guy - you name it. He has the RIGHT to know what could hit him like a ton of bricks.

Jesus. The moral bankruptcy of people on this board, who think that no one should have to deal with the consequences of their OWN bad actions.

No I'm not ignoring anything. Op can't know if telling helps or hurts. If they have no intention of divorcing, it would hurt. It's not for her to decide. In any case, nobody who ever tells the AP's spouse does so out of genuine concern. They do it to fuck up the AP's life or at least cause trouble for them. I get the impulse, don't get me wrong, but that is the real motivation at base for doing that.

You know someone has cancer - do you you tell them? Hmmm nah - much better that they find that out themselves.