Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And it's hard to just not care when you are going to be spending holidays/vacations with these people for the rest of your life. The point is that OP's been put in an impossible situation and ultimately does just have to suck it up and participate as asked.

Seriously? It's a wedding. It's one day. I'd hardly describe it as an impossible situation

Again, you're too dim to understand family dynamics and social decorum, which is why you think that weddings like SILs are perfectly acceptable.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing. It just really is press Repeat on the first wedding except this time she upped the ante by doing a Catholic mass.

Honestly if I were getting remarried, I would love to just throw an awesome party and not deal with the hoopla of a big ceremony. I certainly wouldn't impose on any 40-something sister in law to be a bridesmaid!

Oh and I still have the dress from her first wedding because it's been sitting in my attic for 10 yrs, along with other bridesmaid dresses that I've accumulated but never had the heart to get rid of.

Part of me wants to wear dress #1 to the rehearsal dinner (OF COURSE they're having a big one). I kid, but seriously, it would be amusing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a Catholic wedding. You can absolutely decide the bridesmaid role and ask whether you can do something else.

"Thanks so much for including me. I think I'm just too far away/preoccupied with the kids/busy with work travel/holding on to this baby weight" to really be the kind of bridesmaid you deserve. Do you think I could do a reading instead? Or bring up the gifts?"

If you offer to take on another role, you're still supporting her and no one will notice that you aren't wearing a strapless blush dress.

If she tells SIL she's too fat to be in the wedding, wouldn't she also be too fat to bring up the gifts or do a reading? I've actually never heard of someone declining to be in a wedding because they are too fat.

Anonymous wrote:This is a Catholic wedding. You can absolutely decide the bridesmaid role and ask whether you can do something else.

"Thanks so much for including me. I think I'm just too far away/preoccupied with the kids/busy with work travel/holding on to this baby weight" to really be the kind of bridesmaid you deserve. Do you think I could do a reading instead? Or bring up the gifts?"

If you offer to take on another role, you're still supporting her and no one will notice that you aren't wearing a strapless blush dress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so what if SIL gets married a 3rd time, a 4th time? Is it still out of bounds to complain if she throws subsequent big weddings??? There is an element of tactfulness here that OP rightly points out.

Of course she can complain--to her friends, or DH, or anonymously here. But she cannot to complain to the SIL, because SIL's life choices ***are none of OP's business.*** Complain away, OP! But you only have the RIGHT to say something about one thing: whether or not you will be a bridesmaid. So say yes or no, but move on. You are not some authority on humility and self-awareness, CLEARLY.

Frankly, you sound way more thought policey than those who just don't like being "voluntold" by close family to be in a tacky second wedding.

And, yeah, your guests thought your wedding was tacky. You must know it, which is why you won't stop posting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And it's hard to just not care when you are going to be spending holidays/vacations with these people for the rest of your life. The point is that OP's been put in an impossible situation and ultimately does just have to suck it up and participate as asked.

Seriously? It's a wedding. It's one day. I'd hardly describe it as an impossible situation

Anonymous wrote:And it's hard to just not care when you are going to be spending holidays/vacations with these people for the rest of your life. The point is that OP's been put in an impossible situation and ultimately does just have to suck it up and participate as asked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so what if SIL gets married a 3rd time, a 4th time? Is it still out of bounds to complain if she throws subsequent big weddings??? There is an element of tactfulness here that OP rightly points out.

Of course she can complain--to her friends, or DH, or anonymously here. But she cannot to complain to the SIL, because SIL's life choices ***are none of OP's business.*** Complain away, OP! But you only have the RIGHT to say something about one thing: whether or not you will be a bridesmaid. So say yes or no, but move on. You are not some authority on humility and self-awareness, CLEARLY.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

No, sorry. It's fine for them to ask, and "pressure" is all about perception. The only thing that is OP's business is whether to decline or accept, to "cave to the pressure" or not. That is the only part of this that is OP's business.

Uh, some of us feel "pressure" because we have some understanding of social expectations, care to be respectful and maintain family relationships. That's generally more than can be said about most of these big-blowout second time brides.

"Pressure" factors into my decision-making process, sure. But I am a grown-up who makes my own decisions (gasp!), so I own that and make my decisions. How people feel about my decisions? Shrug. Not my concern.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I'm glad to see there's some sympathy for my discomfort with this situation. Maybe humble/humility wasn't the right word - - what I really don't like is that she has no self-awareness and consideration for other people. (This is in keeping with her personality.) In talking about the wedding there's never even been a conversation about how they decided to do what they're doing.

I have a startling revelation for you. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

This strikes a nerve for you.

I got news for you, when you're pressuring someone to repeatedly shell out lots of dough, which is what these spectacles of second weddings entail, it is about them.

No, sorry. It's fine for them to ask, and "pressure" is all about perception. The only thing that is OP's business is whether to decline or accept, to "cave to the pressure" or not. That is the only part of this that is OP's business.

Uh, some of us feel "pressure" because we have some understanding of social expectations, care to be respectful and maintain family relationships. That's generally more than can be said about most of these big-blowout second time brides.

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so what if SIL gets married a 3rd time, a 4th time? Is it still out of bounds to complain if she throws subsequent big weddings??? There is an element of tactfulness here that OP rightly points out.