Anonymous wrote:OP needs to read Atlas Shrugged. The families are poor because they're ignorant, weak and lazy. Let them be trash and never give them a f-cking dime when inevitably try to borrow money from you.

I can't tell if this is sarcasm.

OP needs to read Atlas Shrugged. The families are poor because they're ignorant, weak and lazy. Let them be trash and never give them a f-cking dime when inevitably try to borrow money from you.

And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

Here's a thought. Stop giving sage advice. Mostly likely your family is not asking for advice; they are commiserating. They want to share their problems, not get unwanted advice for how to fix their problems. They are sharing with family who supposedly understand their POV. But as you've pointed out, you are the only one who has broken the cycle, so your POV is not the same as theirs. Normally they complain and the rest of the family commiserates "Yeah, that's tough." etc. But you offer unwanted advice. They may even talk behind your back about how you've changed and that wealth doesn't bring class. They might view your comments as criticism rather than help or advice.

Try just going and letting them commiserate. Try letting them vent and just offer neutral comments "I know. It's hard." etc and see if the dynamic doesn't change. You might find that they even warm up to your more if you get off your high horse and stop trying to give them comments they don't want.

Anonymous wrote:OP has learned a valuable lesson that when people are poor they have only themselves to blame.

Unfortunately she hasn't learned the valuable lesson that having money doesn't prevent you from being a cretin.

OP has learned a valuable lesson that when people are poor they have only themselves to blame.

OP, if you had asked if anyone else found it frustrating to try to help people who didn't follow through on your advice, you'd probably get some takers. There would still be the question of whether they were actually seeking out your advice, but whatever. It's frustrating and discouraging to watch people make choices we believe are not in their best interests. We might be wrong about whether it really is the best choice for them, and they get to make that decision, but yes, it's frustrating.

What you did instead was frame it in terms of being "judgy," of characterizing others as "low status" and your family as higher status, and of your and your husband's "lifestyle and status" as being "on display" as a good example. That isn't about being frustrated that things will not go as well as they can for some children -- who, but they way, you've characterized multiple times as being "dumb." That's about being mad that other people aren't agreeing with your self-assessment and acknowledging you as superior.

Which is why you're getting the side-eye and the mockery here. You are stamping your feet because you need something out of this exchange that you aren't getting, and you are using other people as rhetorical objects to get it. And that, frankly, is pretty gross and "disgusting," to use another of your terms.

Anonymous wrote:According to everyone in this thread don't bother volunteering at YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. These people are truly happy in poverty. Don't force your ways on them. Don't promote education.

You people are twisted.

Are you suggesting grown adults should go to the ymca and harass people, which is what forcing your opinion on someone is?

Anonymous wrote:According to everyone in this thread don't bother volunteering at YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. These people are truly happy in poverty. Don't force your ways on them. Don't promote education.

You people are twisted.

No. Don't force your lifestyle in a condescending manner in family who have heard it and made their feelings clear.

Anonymous wrote:No. I only dislike it when people have the money but opt to choose to spend it on other "wants" and then complain when they can't pay for their children's textbooks - "Oh, we can't afford them!!" Not when I see other kids and their parents choosing to spend their money on the textbooks instead of the fun stuff - like the pp above who doesn't have a dining room table but is making sure that her child will be going to college.

The whole business of wishing bad things (like rape and corruption) on other college kids is really sad though. Just realize that if your dream for your child comes true and your child becomes very successful - maybe even rich - one day, there will be less fortunate people wishing bad things on your kid.

No one likes to be judged like that.

+1

Grown adults wishing bad on others? How sad.

In my family, it seems like about one person a generation makes it to the middle class. In mine, it was me. My cousins are still back home. Mostly happy, but definitely struggling. From my perspective, I'd assume that every one of them would have liked to have made it out but that's not true based on our conversations over the holidays. A few of them might wish they'd made different choices had a few different breaks, but most wouldn't choose my life.

Among our kids, mine are pretty set. Among all the kids left back home, there are a couple who are on their way to getting out though they're too young yet to really know if it'll stick or if they'll head back home. Most of them do seem to be on track to stay. I think there's just something about us that tends to want to keep us close to home, and there are only a few who choose to leave and have the ability and luck to do so.

I only judge when the parents sabotage the kids. I'll tell my cousin he's a jerk for letting his 16 year old quit school to work full time in a landscaping business. No one's starving without the kid's money. He needs to get his HS diploma. He can work on the side.

According to everyone in this thread don't bother volunteering at YMCA or Boys & Girls Club. These people are truly happy in poverty. Don't force your ways on them. Don't promote education.

You people are twisted.

Anonymous wrote:It's unfortunate that, though you "got out" and "made something of yourself," that still didn't stop you from becoming a horrifying (to use your words) person. Just goes to show, money and success don't stop you from being an asshole. I think they are better off without you imparting anything on them - they might end up like you, which is a truly horrifying prospect.

I agree. They probably politely listen to your sage advise and then laugh at you when you leave. You think you have it all figured out, OP. Chances are your "low status family members" are much happier than you.

It's unfortunate that, though you "got out" and "made something of yourself," that still didn't stop you from becoming a horrifying (to use your words) person. Just goes to show, money and success don't stop you from being an asshole. I think they are better off without you imparting anything on them - they might end up like you, which is a truly horrifying prospect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

Bootstraps is vague and patronizing. My husband and I have given detailed easy to follow advice. All ignored.

You want to leave town? Yes!
You want to go to college? Yes!
You want a nice house, nice car? Yes!
Will you follow do a could baby steps so I see change? NOPE.

You are patronizing and ridiculously condescending. If you speak to them in the baby voice you describe here, it's a wonder no one has punched you in the face.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I valued education and got away from the backwards region we were raised in a-sap. But yes, we were lucky -- we were lucky because one bad break would ruin everything because our ignorant parents didn't prepare us in the slightest. So, when you try to help family prepare their kids and they're too dumb/lazy to follow any it's depressing. I won't eat crow. These are going to be poor dumb unprepared kids. It's clear as day their adult life is going to be miserable. And of course when it is it'll be because they had no chance, nobody wanted to help, "we did the best we could". Disgusting.

Oh, OP. A+ for trolling effort, D- for results. You took it a little too far here