Anonymous
09/13/2016 17:37
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Book ordered! Thank you - OP
Anonymous
09/13/2016 16:41
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
OP ... get a copy of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life from amazon. It will help you understand your situation and your fears and your self doubt ... even if you never choose to leave, you will be glad to better understand what is going on inside his head. It is not very long ... you could read it in one evening. I promise you it will help you immeasurably.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 16:27
Subject: Re:husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
OP, I am going through a situation with many similarities. For me, being divorced a second time is a very disturbing thought for me, as I imagine it may be for you. Yet most important is for us to be in emotionally healthy situations for ourselves and for our kids. And if that means being divorced again and not having the second chance full family/marriage we thought we were getting, that is better than living anxiously and with self doubt. Sending you hugs and support...
Anonymous
09/13/2016 16:22
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
You sent him emails cowering?
OP, he has zero respect for you and you have zero respect for yourself.
What would you tell your daughter if she was going through this?
OP, he has zero respect for you and you have zero respect for yourself.
What would you tell your daughter if she was going through this?
Anonymous
09/13/2016 16:18
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
He's a narcissist. They are sparkly, charming people who are used to getting their way. They can make you feel like a princess when they want to and they can discard you and care nothing for your feelings a moment later. The truth is they don't ever really care about you ... they use you when it suits them and use someone else when it suits them. It is really hard to square their sparkly side with their inner vacant soul. And everyone else around you will only see the sparkly side, so it can be very isolating. Discuss all of this with your therapist. It is very difficult to grasp and very difficult to let go of someone who has the ability to be the perfect partner, but only when HE wants. Very, very damaging to you over time. Please learn how to recognize abuse so you can remove yourself from it. So sorry ... I know it hurts.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 16:06
Subject: Re:husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
I sent DH emails cowering and apologizing earlier to placate him and realize this is twisted.
Yes, it is. I am so sorry, but it does not sound as if you will ever have equal footing, or be respected, in this marriage. Better to be single than this.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 15:25
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Op here. Thanks. Yes I have low self esteem. I make a good salary and could support kids on own. what's keeping me in it are the good times that feel blissful when they are good - DH is charismatic, funny, smart, great sex, often very sensitive to others, and I really had high hopes and dreams for this marriage. Plus my kids already went through a divorce and have now come to love him as a stepfather (and he is loving to them) and I just want him to get back to being the loving husband. (There is a Jekkyl Hide thing I think)
I will commit to another round of therapy. I grew up with a very dysfunctional family and have not had positive relationships modeled for me. DH's family also disfunctional.
I sent DH emails cowering and apologizing earlier to placate him and realize this is twisted.
I will commit to another round of therapy. I grew up with a very dysfunctional family and have not had positive relationships modeled for me. DH's family also disfunctional.
I sent DH emails cowering and apologizing earlier to placate him and realize this is twisted.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 14:49
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Please get into therapy because you have little self respect and no self esteem.
Is he the primary or sole breadwinner? What is keeping you with this person?
Is he the primary or sole breadwinner? What is keeping you with this person?
Anonymous
09/13/2016 14:47
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:He is setting a condition on his remorse. "I will act remorseful and recommit to this marriage only if you promise me in advance that you will completely forgive me and tell me now that what I plan to do in the future will be enough." It is a promise you cannot give even if you wanted to do so and it means he will only put in the effort if he is certain of the outcome. That is not humility, it is entitlement. I did this bad thing but I am entitled to your forgiveness so why won't you give it to me? ME ME ME It is how I feel that matters ... not you. I felt like having an affair so I did. Now I feel like being forgiven and not being forced to make amends. And when I feel like having another affair in the future? What do you suppose I will do? Your damn right ... I will do it and I will expect you to forgive me again if you find out. ENTITLEMENT The normal rules of society and marriage apply to others, but not him. Is this okay with you? Would he be okay with you applying the same rules and logic to yourself? Hell no!
+1. the whole choice of words OP, if he can trust "iT/the relationship" is absolutely out of line. Had it been 6 months, 6 months of him acting like the most remorseful husband and you still throwing the affair in his face every morning then yes, he could ask that question aloud. But after 2 WEEKS??? 2 weeks of him behaving like an ass on top of it??? this is crazy
Anonymous
09/13/2016 14:36
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
DiverDown wrote:His gf broke up with him
+1
Anonymous
09/13/2016 14:32
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
He is setting a condition on his remorse. "I will act remorseful and recommit to this marriage only if you promise me in advance that you will completely forgive me and tell me now that what I plan to do in the future will be enough." It is a promise you cannot give even if you wanted to do so and it means he will only put in the effort if he is certain of the outcome. That is not humility, it is entitlement. I did this bad thing but I am entitled to your forgiveness so why won't you give it to me? ME ME ME It is how I feel that matters ... not you. I felt like having an affair so I did. Now I feel like being forgiven and not being forced to make amends. And when I feel like having another affair in the future? What do you suppose I will do? Your damn right ... I will do it and I will expect you to forgive me again if you find out. ENTITLEMENT The normal rules of society and marriage apply to others, but not him. Is this okay with you? Would he be okay with you applying the same rules and logic to yourself? Hell no!
Anonymous
09/13/2016 13:35
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
OP here- an interesting word choice I noticed - I Said that I am not sure if I can trust him. He said, well I don't know if I can trust "it." I was like, what is "it?" He said "it" is the relationship. That he doesn't know if he can trust that I will keep on bringing up the past as I have over the past two weeks since discovering the affair. I feel like this is an externalization of responsibility, not onto me, but onto "it"? I wonder what psychologically is going on hear in the processing of this situation?
Anonymous
09/13/2016 13:21
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Anonymous wrote:OP again - DH gets very angry also asking about who I have told - which family, friends, etc. - I've of course needed to rely on some of my best friends to get me through this tough time, but they are people who are encouraging me on ways to save my marriage --- I feel like I understand his desire for the secret not to get "out" but that also deprives me of the benefit of support from my dearest friends and family that I need right now. I also feel like actions have consequences, and he isn't ready to attribute accountability for himself for his behavior.
Okay this makes me mad. His affair is not your secret to keep. If you need support, you should get it. Please don't blame yourself for this. You didn't deserve the affair no matter what, and you are allowed to do whatever it takes to get you through this. One word of caution is that you might want to limit who you talk to, for yourself. So, talk to your friends but i would wait on blasting it out to the world - and probably would never do that anyway - because people can be judgmental of you and your choices moving forward.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 12:32
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
Op here: thanks so much for words of encouragement. It is true I have low self esteem issues stemming from childhood, although externally I seem confident/resilient.
I am hitting a real low point here. But it is really wonderful to get your advice/encouragement.
I am hitting a real low point here. But it is really wonderful to get your advice/encouragement.
Anonymous
09/13/2016 12:07
Subject: husband divorce threats have stopped, whether to figure out "why" when things good now??
OP, it's gone so far beyond cheating and lying at this point. I feel like you must have terrible self esteem. He is abusive, manipulative, and cruelty turn this back on you as if you are in any way to blame. You are NOT. You have not betrayed your husband or your vows. You are not in the wrong.
You have a right to ask for answers, search for answers, and attempt to get whatever information will help you know the truth. You have a right to disclose your situation to anyone who can help and support you.
Most importantly, though, you have a right to a life without him dragging you down. He is awful, OP. He is not the man you thought you loved. Grieve that guy - you made up a good guy in your head. I undertand missing him. But he doesn't exist. The DH you actually have had lied to you every hour of your entire marriage. Op top of that, he gaslights you, threatens you, berates you. He is awful, OP.
What do you need in order to separate?
You have a right to ask for answers, search for answers, and attempt to get whatever information will help you know the truth. You have a right to disclose your situation to anyone who can help and support you.
Most importantly, though, you have a right to a life without him dragging you down. He is awful, OP. He is not the man you thought you loved. Grieve that guy - you made up a good guy in your head. I undertand missing him. But he doesn't exist. The DH you actually have had lied to you every hour of your entire marriage. Op top of that, he gaslights you, threatens you, berates you. He is awful, OP.
What do you need in order to separate?