Your son and DIL could absolutely be our friends, except the ages don't work. He works, makes good money, she mostly stays home even though they don't have kids, but occasionally takes a part-time job.

And there's a reason for all of that. He has a mental illness that wasn't diagnosed into his 20s, and his wife was an enormous source of encouragement and support for him to get evaluated and then get the treatment he needed to be successful. Part of what he needs to be successful at work, though, is to minimize his other stresses and distractions, so having someone running their home/personal life full-time so that he can forget about it has been a big part both of his professional success and his broader ability to manage his illness. If she weren't there supporting him at home, he probably wouldn't be able to manage it all and his life would still be a mess.

She, on the other hand, has type 1 diabetes, which is something she's pretty private about, so not many people know about it, and if they do, they don't know the extent to which it impacts her health. Because of how the condition has progressed with nerve issues and such, her doctor has recommended that she not work if possible to allow her to take the rest she needs and not overexert herself in a way that will hasten the progression of her complications. They don't have children because it would be too dangerous for her to carry a child herself, and the state of her health would make it all but impossible for them to be approved for adoption. Plus, raising kids would be the same kind of strain as working, and they're afraid that even if they have a child through another means (e.g., surrogacy), the long-term physical toll of child rearing would result in an early death for her.

And those part-time jobs she takes? Those are when her husband goes through periods where he's struggling with his mental health and has needed to take an unpaid leave of absence, so she gets a part-time job (which is pretty much all she can get, given her health and her spotty employment history) to help tide them over. It takes a big toll on her, but she does it anyway to support him and allow him to get the help he needs.

They are an incredibly strong and loving couple, and it breaks my heart to think they might have people like OP in their lives who question either of their character out of ignorance.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL made a similar comment to my DH 25 years ago. I have never forgotten it. She did not know me or her son very well because if she did, she would know that I have been the one who kept him together so that he could shine brightly to his family and the outside world. That he fell into a depression when we briefly broke up and suffered panic attacks for a year. Since then, I also have nursed him through three major surgeries while raising two challenging children. I couldn't have done this if I worked. Now she is retired and needs my help since her own children and their spouses are too busy with their careers.

+1 well done!

OP, hopefully you're realizing the trend here: you don't have all the information and what you think you know may not be close to reality. It doesn't matter what her reasons are, but you don't know their relationship or circumstances, nor should you. My MIL does the same thing in other ways, like making blatant statements about our financial situation that were absolutely false ("Well, since you haven't started saving for retirement..."). My husband confronted her because it really seemed like she was fishing for more info. While we may never know the truth, she acted surprised and insisted she was merely jumping to conclusions but did not intend to be nosy. I don't know what you think you know or what you want your role in this to be, but please be aware that if you get involved it will be perceived as a huge boundary problem. Your son marrying a woman doesn't invite you to voice your opinion any more than you would in any other social situation. You should spend some time reflecting on why you feel the need to get involved and what else is missing in your life.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that helping someone find a job doesn't win you a lifetime of not working. I'm guessing I'd find this woman boring and lazy. Apparently your son doesn't. As long as their finances are ok there's nothing to worry about. If they start living beyond their means have a talk.

She'd probably find you boring and insufferable.

My MIL made a similar comment to my DH 25 years ago. I have never forgotten it. She did not know me or her son very well because if she did, she would know that I have been the one who kept him together so that he could shine brightly to his family and the outside world. That he fell into a depression when we briefly broke up and suffered panic attacks for a year. Since then, I also have nursed him through three major surgeries while raising two challenging children. I couldn't have done this if I worked. Now she is retired and needs my help since her own children and their spouses are too busy with their careers.

He'd be lost without her. He can live without you.

If they're not struggling financially, depending on your support, or unhappy, then it sounds like their life choices are working for them as a couple. Why would you care? I can't think of an appropriately gentle way to phrase this so I'll just go for it... This doesn't seem to be a situation where your opinion would be asked for or required. If you don't like it (why? It doesn't involve you), then I suggest not thinking about it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Meh, I grew up in the sixties and most of the women did not work, including those who did not have kids. They spent their time keeping the household going smoothly, tending to family members on both sides who needed help, helping their husbands in their careers, and doing volunteer work. It was fine, really. She does need to make sure her DH has adequate life insurance.

Op, have you ever considered they may be trying to have children, encountering problems, and trying to decide what to do? Or, have other reasons?

My dh and I are in that situation, and I quit work to work on some health problems and see if I could get pregnant. 7 years later I was unable to get pregnant, but being home did help us get through a stressful time. I am now preparing to go back to work. What did I tell my family? Absolutely nothing because they are all gossiping, bullying, busybodies.

Be grateful your DIL helped your son through a difficult time and that he is no longer problemed. The fact that she had to find him a job, then help him with the application speaks volumes about his inability to help himself at that point in time. And all you have is contempt for ypur DIL? Whoa, that's totally wrong op, no wonder they are not sharing why she decided to take a break for a while.

I agree that helping someone find a job doesn't win you a lifetime of not working. I'm guessing I'd find this woman boring and lazy. Apparently your son doesn't. As long as their finances are ok there's nothing to worry about. If they start living beyond their means have a talk.

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I guess the consensus here is to stay out of it, which is what I'm going to try and do. Someone asked if they have ever asked for money and no they have not. I did offer to help out with their down payment on the house but they declined. I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law for getting my son back on track. I guess I just don't think her helping him figure things out should give her a free ride for the rest of her life.

Also, while she may have helped him figure out what direction to go in career wise, he still did the work to get where he is. Yes she found the posting to the job he currently has and helped him apply, but he was the one who showed up to the interview and got the job. I guess I can't help but think that maybe she planned all this from the beginning. She was only 19 when they met and she could see that he was intelligent and had potential. I really just cannot imagine why she does not want a career of her own.

Jesus Christ, you are a piece of work. You think that she met your loser pothead son, and decided that he was the guy who would give her a cushy life? She only had to spend seven years getting his head on straight.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say they have been together for seven years, she supported him for a few years, and worked for a few more. What makes you think she is never planning to work? Have they said that this is a permanent situation or are you just assuming? There could be many exanations for a pause in her employment history that do not mean that she will never work again.

+1 What is all this forever nonsense? Taking some time to figure out your next step does not mean you will never work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are too mean to OP, criticizing her parenting when you have no idea of the circumstances, what her DH was like as a father, what other stresses or health challenges may have been in play for her DS.

In particular it is reprehensible to say the above pp, "what you never could fix since you screwed up for 20+ years". You should be ashamed of yourself spreading such sadness with your words. You could have made your point more constructively and less hatefully. Terrible.

And no I don't have a similar problem, my kids are little.

It's the hypocrisy and double-standard that OP is exhibiting - not necessarily just how she parented her son.

It's really insane of her to criticize her DIL for helping her son get his act together, but then say she thinks DIL is getting some sort of free ride.

I'm the pp you quoted. I don't disagree with you. But the way people stated it was so out of control rude and personal, designed to hurt her as much as possible. I don't really get it.

OP, you say they have been together for seven years, she supported him for a few years, and worked for a few more. What makes you think she is never planning to work? Have they said that this is a permanent situation or are you just assuming? There could be many exanations for a pause in her employment history that do not mean that she will never work again.

Anonymous wrote:You all are too mean to OP, criticizing her parenting when you have no idea of the circumstances, what her DH was like as a father, what other stresses or health challenges may have been in play for her DS.

In particular it is reprehensible to say the above pp, "what you never could fix since you screwed up for 20+ years". You should be ashamed of yourself spreading such sadness with your words. You could have made your point more constructively and less hatefully. Terrible.

And no I don't have a similar problem, my kids are little.