These conversations always become about the value of working vs. staying home and who is right. The real answer is there is no right answer or one size fits all. Every family needs to make their own decisions about what works best for them at any given point in time, and whether it makes financial and logistical sense for one parent to stay home or cut down hours. There are pros and cons in either scenario. The problem is when partners don't agree on what is right for the family (i.e.: one wants to stay home and one wants both to work). Obviously that is the scenario OP is describing - and like anything else in a marriage, it's a problem when spouses can't compromise and consider each other's and the family's needs.

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

I agree with you. I'd be nervous about re-entering the workforce after staying home. I've always worked though. I certainly don't think SAHMs are lazy but they spend more time on things that I either don't do or I do quickly, like pay the higher price for an item when I see it rather than shop around for the best deal.
Regardless, there's value to both ways of life.

I know a lot of people like to rag on SAHM's with kids in school and call them lazy.

But I don't think it's that. I think that it's really scary and intimidating to think about rejoining a workforce after you've been left behind. They know that if they were to get work, it would be difficult and they'd be on the bottom of the ladder. They would go from being independent and calling the shots in their daily lives to taking orders, likely from someone even younger than themselves.

I wish people were more compassionate on all sides about our societal dysfunction around the handling of raising kids in the midst of figuring out a livelihood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was very clear before we got married that he did not want to be the sole financial support of our family. Good thing I like working.

Too bad he is a loser.

Would you marry your husband if he told you he did not want to work?

Hell to the no.

Anonymous wrote:On the flip side, I would divorce DH if he didn't want to work.

Finally an honest SAHM. Or SAHW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

Wow. I think you're the loser, PP. Whose DH "doesn't care" if you work or not?

mine- i had a soul destroying and terrible last year of college (father killed) and had to finish a degree i was thinking of changing b/c i hated it, then worked in that field until i got married and we ended up moving b/c of his law school- i kept on looking for work but very halfheartedly since i hated my field & frankly wasn't very good. After like 3 months- he offered to let me stay home or take classes or whatever and he was happy to do it. Having that year to just live esp since he was in school was amazing. We actually lived quite well off of his summer work. I am happy to cope with his insane hours and stuff now b/c i know what he sacrificed for my sanity back then. you guys are weird- this isn't peasant life in the 19th century where marriage is based off of economic concerns. And even then that was pretty outmoded- i bet most of us are from middle class backgrounds- our grandmothers probably didn't do much other than oversee the household, write menus etc. .which was work from what i can tell but still quite luxurious. i think my mom & grandma are awesome people and their husbands certainly didn't complain that they should go work unless they wanted to- what the hell has changed? And they both had amazing relationships, in fact my FIL is always griping that MIL work and contribute and their marriage is rather sad. I feel bad for her b/c he isn't very respectful or kind and does barely any housework even though they both work the same hours.

What has changed? Are you unaware that women of your grandmother's generation weren't generally able to train as investment bankers, doctors or lawyers? What changed was that women are now able to participate much more fully in the workplace than they were 60 years ago. Really? Your post must be a trolling one.

Anonymous wrote:Makes me wonder if the stay at home crowd secretly think to themselves.... I want to continue living this life, I'll just pretend to appear busy.

Why do you think many women have a bonus baby right when the last child is about to start K?

Anonymous wrote:My husband was very clear before we got married that he did not want to be the sole financial support of our family. Good thing I like working.

Ditto. I knew that going in. I would be a terrible SAHM anyway, so it's a good match.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Yeah, some men do prefer the little woman to keep house for them. But many do not.

I don't do the housework. We pay for that and guess what, DH still doesn't care whether or not I have a job.

Bet he gets lucky whenever he wants, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it mind boggling that someone would divorce over that.

I don't really get it either. There must be more going on for divorce.

I can see divorcing if someone is just lazy and dead weight in the marriage, or resentful about something else. But who is like, "I hate having someone cook for me, take care of my children, and spending most of their time and energy being attentive to my happiness and the happiness of our household. I want a divorce!"

You may not realize that some people really don't care about someone else cooking and running household errands for them, at the expense of a good salary, especially when the children are too old to need childcare. How hard is it to hire a cleaning service and pick up already prepared food at Whole Foods for dinner?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, You sound like a loser. What is YOUR income? My DH doesn't care if I work or not.

What difference does his income make? Assuming he isn't an uber high, typical DCUM'er wouldn't you want a spouse who engages in the workplace and has experiences of her own?

Is the workplace the only way to have experiences of your own? I like my job and it is intellectually stimulating, but I have far richer experiences outside of my career. My partner is in the same field and he has essentially the same day as I do, barring things we legally can't discuss due to privacy laws. He might like hearing about a day I spent volunteering at DD's school.

Aren't you senior enough that you can take a day off to spend volunteering at your DD's school? That's the best part about having been in the workforce for 26 years, at my current job for 12. I have tons of paid time off, so I rarely miss anything the kids have going on. Plus I get paid to go

I don't know anyone who did this, but I do know a female friend who divorced her husband when he absolutely refused to get a job. He was older than her and he supported her through law school, but once she graduated he viewed her as his goose that laid a golden egg. He quit his job and refused to even look for a new one. They had no children, and this went on for several years. She finally had enough because she was working in a big law firm, working nonstop, and he was essentially spending the days playing golf and spending money. She filed for divorce, he fought it, she had to pay through the nose, but she is finally free from him and much, much happier. His lack of even bothering to look for a job really made her lose respect for him. She didn't realize that him supporting her through law school was some sort of quid pro quo in which he would never work again. As I mentioned, he was also older, and made a good 200k+ living before he quit. He wasn't "keeping the home" - they had a housekeeper and he didn't cook or do anything like that.

As for me, I have a marriage that everyone thought was bulletproof, with a husband that everyone thought was the most loyal and loving person ever. Turns out he had a long-term affair and was going to leave me. Our friends were completely floored, as was I. He earlier had suggested I stay at home because my job was so horrible (I was also at a big law firm), and I am glad I didn't because then I would be much more reliant on him now. Now I can assess our relationship without worrying about being able to provide for myself. So, my feeling is to proceed with caution! You never truly know someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Agree. Lol.
My DH loves all that I do at home. Makes his life easier.

I third this. If I went back full time he would have to shorten his day to do dropoff or pickup, use his vacation days to care for sick kids, and not have dinner until 8 after we both get home and deal with hungry, needy kids and homework and chores. We did it for years and it was exhausting and I really didn't make enough to make it worth it. When dad makes $250k and has to take the day off so mom can go to work and make $60k, he is not appreciative of a working wife.

This mom makes 320k. My DH would be pissed if I decided to stay home and throw away this income. Over the long term having both parents work makes for a combined stronger income and better life.

Ok, then let's all admit this is a financial rather than a moral decision. There is nothing in the world (that is legal) that I am qualified to do for $320k. That makes this a very different decision for me. Many important decisions are made not out of different life philosophies but just different finances.

It's neither a financial or moral decision for my family. We both work because in my case, I enjoy working, I'm good at it and I need external structure to be happy. My husband works because he's also not internally motivated. It's not like he would be saving us childcare costs, or cooking, or fixing up the house if he SAH. He has basically zero handyman or cooking or cleaning skills or interest. Could we live off of one of our $200K salaries? Sure. But there's simply no need for either of us, for our family, in which all our children are teens or older, to have a SAHP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Agree. Lol.
My DH loves all that I do at home. Makes his life easier.

I third this. If I went back full time he would have to shorten his day to do dropoff or pickup, use his vacation days to care for sick kids, and not have dinner until 8 after we both get home and deal with hungry, needy kids and homework and chores. We did it for years and it was exhausting and I really didn't make enough to make it worth it. When dad makes $250k and has to take the day off so mom can go to work and make $60k, he is not appreciative of a working wife.

That's why it's real helpful if the wife is well enough educated to also make $250K.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would divorce me if I did go back to work lol

Agree. Lol.
My DH loves all that I do at home. Makes his life easier.

I third this. If I went back full time he would have to shorten his day to do dropoff or pickup, use his vacation days to care for sick kids, and not have dinner until 8 after we both get home and deal with hungry, needy kids and homework and chores. We did it for years and it was exhausting and I really didn't make enough to make it worth it. When dad makes $250k and has to take the day off so mom can go to work and make $60k, he is not appreciative of a working wife.

This mom makes 320k. My DH would be pissed if I decided to stay home and throw away this income. Over the long term having both parents work makes for a combined stronger income and better life.

What does DH make?

Different PP, but I can answer for us. My DH makes $237, I make $233, plus bonus.