You know, are these items that are really important or just things that you want done/care about?

Some people don't need for a house to be pristine. They don't mind a little dust. It simply isn't important to them. My guess is that your to-do list (including the major reorganization items that you've tasked yourself with) are all things he doesn't really care about.

So your trick was coming up with a list of stuff that matters to you and dividing it in half and then saying that you've tasked yourself with huge things, so it's only fair.

His perspective is that he doesn't care about any of the items on the list. He'd be fine if you didn't do any of your items either. So he feels bamboozled and tricked and guilted into stuff.

And then if/when you have BIL do the stuff, your DH will also feel like you're complaining about him behind his back (and in a situation where he doesn't have an opportunity to defend himself or tell his side).

It all seems passive-aggressive and nasty to me.

With my DH, we are clear about what stuff is stuff that needs to be done (i.e., the kind of stuff you can't let go or it will cause more major repairs or possibly dangerous situations) versus what stuff is stuff we'd each like to complete.

Then we sort out TOGETHER a timeline of when we'd like it done and who is going to take care of what items.

My husband doesn't tell me to do stuff that is cosmetic that I don't really care about. And I don't tell him to do stuff that is cosmetic that he doesn't really care about. But we both will ASK each other for help or to do something we'd like to get done and we phrase it as "I know this isn't your priority, but ..."

Anonymous wrote:1. I feel like your BIL really crossed a boundary by offering to do it.

2. You may not want like it but the dead line is Labor Day. Fantastic for you that you have been a busy bee happily checking things off your list. DH hasn't failed to live up to the agreement yet. Wait. 3 weeks is plenty of time .

3. In the future don't make agreements you don't really want. And don't expect your husband to behave exactly how you would.

+1 For one, were you complaining about your husband to your BIL? That's not cool. What if your husband complained to some relative that you don't cook to his liking or make what he likes (I mean, he gave you a list!)? And then what if some female inlaw of roughly the same age offered to come over and cook a meal for your husband that he likes?

This is an issue between you and your husband. You need to address it with him directly. If you are unhappy that he hasn't done the things, before complaining to others, directly say to him, "I'm unhappy that you haven't done any of the things on your list. I want to hire someone to help."

But don't get the BIL to do it. Sure, he has a good relationship with DH now, but there's a line that, once crossed, can create lingering resentment -- possibly toward you, because your DH will know that you said something to the BIL.

It also sounds like the list idea doesn't work. Some people don't do well when given a list of things and a long time to complete. They get overwhelmed and procrastinate. Instead, each week, tell him, "I need you to do [pick one item on the list] this weekend."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Agree with this. When the bitching to blowjob ratio gets too high, motivation goes out the window.

You should be married to me. I give great bjs whenever and don't bitch. I just get 'er done.

Do you need some work done around your house? I'm strong, capable and don't have a beer gut.

Yes, I definitely need your help....

Do you give great BJs?

I might be a bit rusty but I believe so, at least back in my single days...

Well...I haven't gotten one in a long time so I wouldn't be able to tell. My wife refuses to do it; not sure why I'm clean. In any case I'm strong and healthy and like to work, what do you need done?

I need some minor carpentry work done. I could come up with lots that needs to be done in the bedroom though..

Anonymous wrote:wow she's really angry and he sounds like a doofus.

how did this get to this point? how can others avoid such a sucky situation?

I'm another really angry wife, and angry for this reason. The way to avoid it getting to this point is for the other spouse to not shirk his duties. I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, packing lunches, finances (bill paying and investments) and laundry. What does he do? Cleans up after dinner most of the time and contracts for yard services. Also does about half of the shuttling of the kids. Is that in any way fair? We both work full time and I spend 10-15 hours a week, every single week, more than he does on family matters.

What are these items on the to-do list, anyway?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say deadweight spouse, do you really mean spouse that won't follow your orders?

I mean spouse who is a sloppy pig with bad habits, habitually disrespecting himself and everyone else. Two steps fw, one step back.

And no, I don't tell adult-aged people what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. I sit back and let them prove themselves, time and time again. They make excuses, they wonder why they have such bad luck, they can't figure out why they keep losing things, they blame others for being late all the time, they blame their earplugs on sleeping in and missing an obligation, they blame their jobs for forgetting to pack what they need for a trip, they can't figure out why their kids stopped going to them when they need something, they wonder how the generator/car/grill/HVAC broke when it wasn't maintained,.. so on and so forth....

Then I make my call about who I want to spend my life with. A deadweight or someone else.

wow.

Wow what? I can totally relate.

+1000.

So sick of the endless disappointment and resentment. For my DH, I don't ask anything anymore and I sure as hell don't give anything anymore. I've had to turn into a selfish, cold shrew just to survive the nonstop heartbreak that I married a useless, deadweight roommate and not a true life partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Agree with this. When the bitching to blowjob ratio gets too high, motivation goes out the window.

You should be married to me. I give great bjs whenever and don't bitch. I just get 'er done.

Do you need some work done around your house? I'm strong, capable and don't have a beer gut.

Yes, I definitely need your help....

Do you give great BJs?

I might be a bit rusty but I believe so, at least back in my single days...

Well...I haven't gotten one in a long time so I wouldn't be able to tell. My wife refuses to do it; not sure why I'm clean. In any case I'm strong and healthy and like to work, what do you need done?

That's the nice thing to do to your family: wait until the last possible minute to make something better in your house. Boy, that'll show "em what you're made of!

I don't get it. You said you want it done by labor day. Labor day is like 2 weeks away. If you wanted it done before then you should have told him when you wanted it done. You are complaining about him not having done something before you asked him to have it done by? How can you be upset at him when he hasn't missed the due date? If he doesn't have it done by labor day then I can see where you are coming from and you can be upset, but otherwise, at the risk of being mean, you are just kind of bitching about him.

wow she's really angry and he sounds like a doofus.

how did this get to this point? how can others avoid such a sucky situation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say deadweight spouse, do you really mean spouse that won't follow your orders?

I mean spouse who is a sloppy pig with bad habits, habitually disrespecting himself and everyone else. Two steps fw, one step back.

And no, I don't tell adult-aged people what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. I sit back and let them prove themselves, time and time again. They make excuses, they wonder why they have such bad luck, they can't figure out why they keep losing things, they blame others for being late all the time, they blame their earplugs on sleeping in and missing an obligation, they blame their jobs for forgetting to pack what they need for a trip, they can't figure out why their kids stopped going to them when they need something, they wonder how the generator/car/grill/HVAC broke when it wasn't maintained,.. so on and so forth....

Then I make my call about who I want to spend my life with. A deadweight or someone else.

wow.

Wow what? I can totally relate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Agree with this. When the bitching to blowjob ratio gets too high, motivation goes out the window.

You should be married to me. I give great bjs whenever and don't bitch. I just get 'er done.

Do you need some work done around your house? I'm strong, capable and don't have a beer gut.

Yes, I definitely need your help....

Do you give great BJs?

I might be a bit rusty but I believe so, at least back in my single days...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, same situation here.
DH has untreated ADHD, and is forever procrastinating and late, especially for tasks he's not enthused about.
My goal is to get him treated for his ADHD.

News flash, dear: procrastinating on tasks he's not enthused about has nothing to do with ADHD.

This thread is just another reason to never get married.

Agree with this. When the bitching to blowjob ratio gets too high, motivation goes out the window.

You should be married to me. I give great bjs whenever and don't bitch. I just get 'er done.

Do you need some work done around your house? I'm strong, capable and don't have a beer gut.

Yes, I definitely need your help....

Do you give great BJs?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say deadweight spouse, do you really mean spouse that won't follow your orders?

I mean spouse who is a sloppy pig with bad habits, habitually disrespecting himself and everyone else. Two steps fw, one step back.

And no, I don't tell adult-aged people what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. I sit back and let them prove themselves, time and time again. They make excuses, they wonder why they have such bad luck, they can't figure out why they keep losing things, they blame others for being late all the time, they blame their earplugs on sleeping in and missing an obligation, they blame their jobs for forgetting to pack what they need for a trip, they can't figure out why their kids stopped going to them when they need something, they wonder how the generator/car/grill/HVAC broke when it wasn't maintained,.. so on and so forth....

Then I make my call about who I want to spend my life with. A deadweight or someone else.

wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say deadweight spouse, do you really mean spouse that won't follow your orders?

I mean spouse who is a sloppy pig with bad habits, habitually disrespecting himself and everyone else. Two steps fw, one step back.

And no, I don't tell adult-aged people what to do, how to do it, when to do it, etc. I sit back and let them prove themselves, time and time again. They make excuses, they wonder why they have such bad luck, they can't figure out why they keep losing things, they blame others for being late all the time, they blame their earplugs on sleeping in and missing an obligation, they blame their jobs for forgetting to pack what they need for a trip, they can't figure out why their kids stopped going to them when they need something, they wonder how the generator/car/grill/HVAC broke when it wasn't maintained,.. so on and so forth....

Then I make my call about who I want to spend my life with. A deadweight or someone else.

I didn't post this, but I sure could have. You are not alone.