Anonymous wrote:OP here...

Spent about 4 hours with my mom last night. The good news is that she said she could handle/ was willing to handle having the OW/SO in attendance.
But as I could have imagined she doesn't want that and it would be hurtful for her. She also said that she doesn't feel like inviting my dads SO is necessarily the high road. That being said she doesn't seem to think my dad would stand me up. The one thing I was surprised about was she seemed against a destination wedding even though she did one herself. She said I had a much better chance of him attending if it was close by.

At this point I think I am just going forward with planning the wedding with my fiance issue the invites and let the chips fall where they may. I will probably make concessions down the line as I do not want to alienate myself from my father but this is my wedding. I've got a solid candidate to keep the peace between them. But If he doesn't come that's ultimately his choice. I can still have a happy wedding and enjoy it with those that want to be there.

You are entirely too reasonable to be on DcUM. Get outta here before we corrupt you! Seriously, good luck to you and your fiancé.

OP here...

Spent about 4 hours with my mom last night. The good news is that she said she could handle/ was willing to handle having the OW/SO in attendance.
But as I could have imagined she doesn't want that and it would be hurtful for her. She also said that she doesn't feel like inviting my dads SO is necessarily the high road. That being said she doesn't seem to think my dad would stand me up. The one thing I was surprised about was she seemed against a destination wedding even though she did one herself. She said I had a much better chance of him attending if it was close by.

At this point I think I am just going forward with planning the wedding with my fiance issue the invites and let the chips fall where they may. I will probably make concessions down the line as I do not want to alienate myself from my father but this is my wedding. I've got a solid candidate to keep the peace between them. But If he doesn't come that's ultimately his choice. I can still have a happy wedding and enjoy it with those that want to be there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, congratulations on your engagement. You seem like a nice guy, and I would probably feel the same way if some "woman" basically stole my family from me.


Regardless, I think what you need to understand is that it's very, very rude to ask someone to attend a wedding without their significant other. This is your father. Your mom and dad need to put their differences away for one weekend, put on their big boy/girl panties and be civil to each other for your wedding.

Put them at different tables across the room from each other.

Afdair partners don't get the respect of good manners.

Their treatment should reflect their crime against the family.

NP. A rule I teach my kids: Regardless of what you thinks someone else may deserve, always be who you deserve to be and do things that are worthy of your dignity.

I would not let someone else's actions cause me to become an ill-mannered individual. All family members would receive the gracious invitation that both manners and etiquette demand, and how they choose to act would be entirely their decision. Not my responsibility or my problem.

I once did a favor for a friend, where I was on "awful abusive mother duty" for their entire wedding shower (because I was in the ceremony, someone else handled that job the day of the wedding)... if this woman started any nonsense, we were there to keep it from ruining the big day. OP, can you assign a trusted friend or more distant relative to be the point person of sorts for each of your parents in case they start to make drama? Don't let them ruin your day, but don't let them ruin your knowledge that you are a person of good character who always takes the high road, either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I also call troll. A lot of the long drawn out posts don't sound like they were written by a man ("I only want the people at my wedding who made me the man I am today!" LOL) Does anyone else know a man IRL who is this ideological about his wedding?

Uh, I actually know several who felt that way when the guest list was so restricted.

To be honest, I don't know a single one. My DH is as progressive as they come but that doesn;t mean he cares about weddings. Shit, I wasn;t even like that.

Well good for you. I am another guy who cared about the guest list to my wedding and I did at least half the work for the wedding as well. As did my best friend. Both of us were married in our 30's for the first time and both of our wives were on second marriages. Both wives had their big wedding the first time and didn't feel the need for a big wedding, so both of us grooms had more say in the wedding than most couples because the ceremony/reception were more significant for us.

And for the record, my wife and I just passed our 14th anniversary and my best friend and his wife just celebrated 8 years together. Both marriages are very strong at this point and both of our marriages are very much marriages of equal partners in most all things.

Ultimately, the wedding is about the bride and groom and the people closest to them. If you don't want her there, it's fine to say that she is not invited, but you have to be ok with the reality that your father may not be at your wedding. I'm from a divorced family, too and weddings (and wedding pictures) can be hard and awkward. If your dad was having a physical affair or even if he was having an EA when married, he was being selfish so it's not all that surprising that his pattern of selfish behavior is continuing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OW comes, it will turn into an event all about her presence. Imagine having to overhear your father introducing her to people who haven't heard the news yet. People will be pointing and whispering. Your mother will be miserable. This will absolutely be the drama. Is that what you want to remember about your wedding? He may resent you now but you and your wife will resent him much longer if he hijacks your wedding with his naïveté and selfishness.

This will only happen if the OP and his bride keep worrying about it. Nobody really cares about all this crap. Put the "plus one" invitations in the mail and don't have another conversation about it. Focus on more important things.

Does anyone else get the impression that we have one or two "other women" posting on this thread?

I posted the "nobody cares" comment, and I can assure you that I am not an "other woman." Seriously, if all you people are so into blame games and finger pointing and all this nonsense, who would want you at the wedding anyway. Hell, I just attended a relative's wedding where the groom's mom showed up with her new boyfriend and his dad showed up with his new HUSBAND! And you know what? It was a blast - because NOBODY CARED!

umm- that is TOTALLY different- their marriage ended b/c the dad was gay! Not b/c he couldn't keep his fly zipped and his vows. no-one cares in that circumstance b/c its not anyone's fault . This is different.

So OP are you concerned that your Dad might leave your inheritance to his new girlfriend? Is that what this is really all about?

If you push away your dads significant other, he will be forced to begin cutting emotional ties with you so that he can function normally and manage his life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

I 100% agree. Even if OW doesn't come, a small destination wedding with both your mom and your dad will probably be highly uncomfortable for everyone.
If your wedding were bigger, there would be a buffer, and if it were local, it would be easier on your parents. I don't think you need to elope - it doesn't have to be small destination wedding or nothing. I would rethink your plan. As PP said, honeymoon in your dream destination.

+1000.

I'm an earlier poster who ended up inviting the boyfriend and all was fine. But our wedding was local and large enough to provide a lot of buffer. My parents were able to have their friends and extended family there that they don't see very often, so that helped pull their focus off each other. I don't know how I would have handled a small destination wedding. That's asking a lot of everyone involved (and would have definitely stressed me out!).

I'm curious to hear how the talk with your step mom went.

Anonymous wrote:

I also call troll. A lot of the long drawn out posts don't sound like they were written by a man ("I only want the people at my wedding who made me the man I am today!" LOL) Does anyone else know a man IRL who is this ideological about his wedding?

Uh, I actually know several who felt that way when the guest list was so restricted.

To be honest, I don't know a single one. My DH is as progressive as they come but that doesn;t mean he cares about weddings. Shit, I wasn;t even like that.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

I 100% agree. Even if OW doesn't come, a small destination wedding with both your mom and your dad will probably be highly uncomfortable for everyone.
If your wedding were bigger, there would be a buffer, and if it were local, it would be easier on your parents. I don't think you need to elope - it doesn't have to be small destination wedding or nothing. I would rethink your plan. As PP said, honeymoon in your dream destination.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

Np and I agree. Can you have a local wedding with the same small group and then you and your fiancée can go on the trip by yourselves? If it's local, there's probably a better chance that your dad would come without the OW. Good luck to you -- you've been thru a lot and you seem like a really good guy.

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, you have to remember who decides on the invitations. Your neighbor doesn't, your dentist doesn't, your dad doesn't. You and your fiancé do.

I would invite your dad and mom.

I would have a frank discussion with you dad -- painful as it may be -- and tell him this woman hurts you, that you're thinking of mom's feelings too. And whoever dad spends time with is his decision, but as for that day, he'll be spending time without her.

Honestly if he can't put himself in your shoes, and agree that it makes sense, and then he doesn't attend -- I agree with above pp. it's on him.

This.

OP, you don't sound like your family is the right group for a destination wedding. Even if OW doesn't go, you'll be on vacation with your freshly-divorced parents. Why would you want that? It's begging for more intense drama and will also make you more responsible for your devastated mom, who will be out of her element and not even have friends with her.

With a family like yours, you're better off not traveling all together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your stepmom was on the scene within two months of your bio mom leaving, odds are your stepmom was once your dad's mistress.

Regardless, I think you are putting too much emotional effort into mitigating the consequences of your parents' divorce. I say this as someone who has been doing the same thing for 25 years. Stop doing it. Stop talking to your mom about how it makes her feel. Stop talking to your dad about how he should treat your mom. Let them be adults, let them hurt each other, and you focus on creating a healthy marriage with your fiancée.

You are allowed to just invite your parents. Call it "family only", but own it. Your dad may be resentful for awhile. He's allowed to be. Neither of you can have your cake and eat it too: that's part of being an adult.

And you seem to have touched on all the DCUM relationship hot buttons: cheating, divorce, adult children v. new partners, destination weddings. If you are a troll, this is exceptionally well played. Bravo!

This is absolutely correct. OP, do you really think your father was faithful to your insane, as you say, bio mom? Unlikely. Also odd that a brand new girlfriend would feel so completely immediately invested in raising your father's children if she weren't already on the scene for a bit and already emotionally entangled. No one I know who had a train wreck first spouse ended up with a normal second spouse, if they didn't take some time for high quality self reflection / therapy between relationships. Your sanctifying your stepmother while demonizing your father's new partner might fit nicely with your black and white view of everything in the world, but it isn't likely the truth.

I also call troll. A lot of the long drawn out posts don't sound like they were written by a man ("I only want the people at my wedding who made me the man I am today!" LOL) Does anyone else know a man IRL who is this ideological about his wedding?

Op here...

Is it possible? Sure. But that isn't a concern of mine. I do not have a relationship with my biological mother. If he cheated on her with my step mom I dont really care. I consider my step mom my real mom. My real issue with my dad is not the cheating. Its bad and hurtful but its the lies and the selfishness that bothers me. In addition as I mentioned I dont trust the OW intentions. When my step mom met my dad he had nothing. Its quite a different situation. According to my dad he was broke, my age and had a 6 month old and a 2 year old and felt like my step mom was the best chance he had at me and my brother getting raised right because he was working all the time. And in his words, how many woman are lining up for a broke guy in his late 20s with two young kids.

I knew it was a matter of time before people started saying troll etc etc. Its not like I've never read a dcum post. Not all men are poor communicators and emotionally stunted. Dcum seems to enjoy typecasting sexes.

The more I think about it the more I see the validity in what pp's have said about things like this being a reoccurring issue and that excluding his SO or him wont make things better but its a tough pill to swallow. I'll post Sunday night on how the dinner goes with my step mom. Based on how that goes I will know what I need to do.

Thanks to those who shared their experiences and took the time to read and respond. Its definitely been weighing heavy on me. I'll be back on Sunday.