Anonymous wrote:I'm not perpetuating anything. I never said dads aren't capable. But biologically, little kids want their moms. I'm not saying OP shouldn't go either just that it's different from dad leaving 3 months. It will be harder on the kids with her gone than him, that's just how it is with kids.

And biologically they want their dad too.

Anonymous wrote:I traveled for a month for a trial (hey, peanut gallery, I bet that's not important enough and also was in a very inconvenient location that made my travel to the family and their travel to me very difficult. Is there a place you can meet halfway? We met in a fun city with lots of museums and activities one weekend and had a great time.

Same here! I was away for nearly 2 months for a trial. I left little notes and wrapped gifts for my kids for my DH to parcel out over time. We Skyped/Face-timed. My family came up for a visit halfway through.

+1 to the PP who said don't micro-manage your DH. Ask him what you can do to help HIM - does he want a good babysitter/parent's helper on call? Is there a meal service that he can use to make sure healthy meals are lined up for both him and the kids? (Galley is a great service for this.) Is there stuff that you can subscribe to on Amazon that your family regularly uses (sunscreen, certain foods, etc.)? Should you all schedule regular doctor's/dentist's appointments now so everything is lined up? I would say just sit down with your DH and come up with a list together, and work out a plan. Also strongly suggest a family calendar if you don't already have one so that you can see what is going on with the kids while you're away.

Anonymous wrote:Three months will believe an eternity for the kids. Can't believe a mother would do this.
This is unheard of.

Oh, can it. You have no idea what her job is. When I worked for a school, one of the kids had a dad who was an undercover cop. He was away for months at a time working cases. No one judged him.

She's not asking for your disbelief and narrow-mindedness. She's saying this is her situation, what can she do to help minimize the impact on her family? Either come up with helpful suggestions or don't respond at all.

Anonymous wrote:Create a new routine.

Every morning, send each other a silly photo.

Every Friday, go out to eat or get takeout and watch a movie. Have a countdown and check it off then.

See if any friends or family of the at home spouse want to come visit. Or take a halfway trip. Your kids are the perfect age for Dutch Wonderand--and that is the kind of set up one parent could handle.

Basically, always have something in the immediate future to look forward to--and a daily fun something.

This is awesome advice, OP!

Create a new routine.

Every morning, send each other a silly photo.

Every Friday, go out to eat or get takeout and watch a movie. Have a countdown and check it off then.

See if any friends or family of the at home spouse want to come visit. Or take a halfway trip. Your kids are the perfect age for Dutch Wonderand--and that is the kind of set up one parent could handle.

Basically, always have something in the immediate future to look forward to--and a daily fun something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:YOu guys know that military families and even state department families on some postings do this all the time right? And for longer than three months? It seems so unbelievably naive and sheltered to think this is unheard of. For some it really is the norm and you know what, they survive.

Come on, that is some super small percentage of the overall population.

That's not the point. The point is that children can be separated from a parent without lasting emotional trauma (or ANY emotional trauma). And, OP's kids don't have to worry about her getting shot at or blown up like military kids do. So this situation is much better.

Military families make ends meet. They dedicated themselves to the military knowing ahead what the outcome could be.

This sounds like some elite working mom that has nannies raising the kids anyway. Will probably ship them off to boarding school soon enough.

No it doesn't! She's been pretty clear that refusing to go is likely to result in the loss of her job, house etc.

And to the person who said that military and state families are a 'super small percentage', why does that matter? It still happens, including to my family. Guess what? It hasn't irreversibly damaged my relationship with the kids that I have been away from them for periods of time. Why would this be different?

You all are being ridiculous. Life is really long, and your kids have years to develop a relationship with you. In the grand scheme of things, 3 months is nothing!

Also, I'm not sure kids that age actually have anything resembling an accurate sense of time. I left on a research fellowship for three months when my kids were in middle school, and once left for a week to go to a wedding when my kids were 1 and 2, and I think the week was harder because kids at that age have no sense of object permanence. They may honestly not know if you are ever coming back.

My kids understand that adults sometimes have responsibilities that mean they will leave the home -- Daddy gets deployed and mommy goes to conferences and on research trips. We are currently contemplating breaking the family in half and doing a commuter marriage for our careers, which will surely have you clutching your pearls but the kids are actually pretty excited about it. I think it makes kids more resilient, more comfortable with themselves and taking risks and aside from the fact that my oldest daughter got her first period when I was gone for a couple of months and my husband had to deal with it, it's all been fine. (The period, however, that was a lot.)

Cont'd... My DH used to travel for work about a week at a time, every few months, ever since my som was a baby. No big deal. When my son was in Kindergarten, DH took a trip for 2 weeks and my son got sick. I even kept him home from school half a day. Turns out he was sick with worry - stomach aches. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until he burst into tears seeing his dad's bike.

Get some extra help for your hisband. The kids won't be their regular selves at some point, so he needs a break. Kids get anxious and act out so they will be extra challenging. I say this not to make you feel bad but to help you all prepare.

Right now are you the "primary" parent? Or are you and your husband equal in taking care of the kids? This could affect them too. And things could be different when you get back.

I would pick out some items of yours that are special and remind them of you and have them "take good care of these" for you until you are back. That way they know you are coming back and that you trust them. Maybe a piece of clothig or jewelry that remind them of you - not new toys because that is just new stuff with no memories.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Many thanks to the PPs who took the time to write supportive responses. Bedtime tonight was the usual wrangle, but as I got them to wind down I had that sinking feeling as I thought about how much I'm going to miss them. But yes, I am doing this for them even more than for myself.

lol keep telling yourself that.
How so?

Well, let's see. If I don't go, I will be fired and will never work in this industry again as I will burn every bridge I've built over a decade. Without my salary, we won't be able to pay our mortgage. Those seem like important reasons to me. I understand that you disagree, but it isn't your life or family. I am doing what I think is best and I'm not questioning my decision.

Can I ask you honestly:
Do you really think they would fire you?
Aren't you being dramatic about never working in the industry because you chose not to leave your kids for three months?
I can't imagine a workplace would fire someone.
Couldn't you find another job?

You seem naive. Do you work?

Yes I do work.

Probably for the Feds.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Amongst the needless barbs being thrown at me from all directions, there are a bunch of excellent ideas here. I really appreciate everyone's input!

This thread also has been an eye opener. Rabenmutter? Really?

I'm surprised you're surprised by this thread. You're getting as much shit as a mom who happily declared she never intended to work again now that she has kids would get. We get it from all sides no matter which we decide.

OP here. Amongst the needless barbs being thrown at me from all directions, there are a bunch of excellent ideas here. I really appreciate everyone's input!

This thread also has been an eye opener. Rabenmutter? Really?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu guys know that military families and even state department families on some postings do this all the time right? And for longer than three months? It seems so unbelievably naive and sheltered to think this is unheard of. For some it really is the norm and you know what, they survive.

Come on, that is some super small percentage of the overall population.

That's not the point. The point is that children can be separated from a parent without lasting emotional trauma (or ANY emotional trauma). And, OP's kids don't have to worry about her getting shot at or blown up like military kids do. So this situation is much better.

Military families make ends meet. They dedicated themselves to the military knowing ahead what the outcome could be.

This sounds like some elite working mom that has nannies raising the kids anyway. Will probably ship them off to boarding school soon enough.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would pass on the assignment, up to and including resigning. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's no way I'd leave my kids (2 and 5) for three months.

My DH did a 3-month stint overseas when our first was 2, and his relationship with DC hasn't really ever recovered. It has made me extremely conservative about spending time apart as a family. I feel for military families who deal with deployments -- it is incredibly tough.

+1

Out of state assignment for a mom with young kids? It is not a place I would want employment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu guys know that military families and even state department families on some postings do this all the time right? And for longer than three months? It seems so unbelievably naive and sheltered to think this is unheard of. For some it really is the norm and you know what, they survive.

Come on, that is some super small percentage of the overall population.

That's not the point. The point is that children can be separated from a parent without lasting emotional trauma (or ANY emotional trauma). And, OP's kids don't have to worry about her getting shot at or blown up like military kids do. So this situation is much better.