Anonymous
06/27/2016 17:08
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
Actually people gave a lot of suggestions on this thread for how to improve things. Here is one earlier post:
Things to try:
-Initiate at times other than right before bed. If you watch TV for hours and then wait to initiate until she's a few minutes away from going to sleep, you up your chances of being turned down bc she is in sleep mode. Try the morning or right after kids go to bed.
-Non-hormonal birth control. Condoms, copper IUD, or a vasectomy for you
-Non-intercourse sex options. Consider whether she might be more receptive to oral, mutual masturbation, etc. Sometimes PIV seems daunting bc of the time it takes for women to get warmed up physically enough to enjoy it, but oral/manual is something she can just jump into if she is not feeling up to intercourse.
-Mixing up the foreplay, e.g. watching porn together, reading to each other out of 50 shades, whatever you think she might be into
These are all things that have helped to increase the frequency of sex in my marriage. If none of these works maybe the other posters are right and the only option is to resign yourself to no sex or divorce, but at least give these a try
You're not getting it. You can dress up a hamburger to look like steak, but doesn't work.
She doesn't like or want sex, at least not often. Fifty Shades Of....was the most juvenile book, poorly written.
I will bet he's already tried many of these, disregarding his wife's feelings. When someone says no or their body language tells you give it a rest. If I were his wife I'd rather be alone than someone who valued that above all else in our marriage. That might be a win win for both if they divorce.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 17:03
Subject: Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
Then that's fine. LEARN OTHER WAYS to connect. Talk to yourself. I understand how you can have the knee jerk "I'm hurt" reaction but I react that way to lots of things. Someone cuts me off in traffic? First instant reaction- they did it on purpose to spite me! Then I tell myself, that's absurd, they're probably in a hurry and rushing somewhere. That's exactly the kind of mental process you need to learn to engage in. "My wife doesn't want to sleep with me because she's selfish/doesn't love me/ our connection is dying, etc" "Come on, Larlo, that's ridiculous! She cares very much, she just doesnt want to have sex!"
It's really that simple. And it's an important life skill to have, in every situation.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:55
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
Actually people gave a lot of suggestions on this thread for how to improve things. Here is one earlier post:
Things to try:
-Initiate at times other than right before bed. If you watch TV for hours and then wait to initiate until she's a few minutes away from going to sleep, you up your chances of being turned down bc she is in sleep mode. Try the morning or right after kids go to bed.
-Non-hormonal birth control. Condoms, copper IUD, or a vasectomy for you
-Non-intercourse sex options. Consider whether she might be more receptive to oral, mutual masturbation, etc. Sometimes PIV seems daunting bc of the time it takes for women to get warmed up physically enough to enjoy it, but oral/manual is something she can just jump into if she is not feeling up to intercourse.
-Mixing up the foreplay, e.g. watching porn together, reading to each other out of 50 shades, whatever you think she might be into
These are all things that have helped to increase the frequency of sex in my marriage. If none of these works maybe the other posters are right and the only option is to resign yourself to no sex or divorce, but at least give these a try
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:55
Subject: Sexless marriage
Sounds like she is a roommate who wants all the benifits of being married. This marriage needs to end and you have to explain to the kids that it's the sexless one's fault. It's that simple. It is very selfish.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:50
Subject: Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
No need to respond to me. I just wonder if either it's her not enjoying sex with you or never really being physically attracted. It's odd for someone to lose interest in sex as a newlywed. If the sex was regular prior to the marriage, it might have a been a ruse.
It's ALWAYS a ruse. Which is why men should never get married.
If that's the main reason you got married you have bigger problems. Yes please stay single.
It's the ONE task that is not acceptable to farm out. Doesn't have to be the main reason you got married to end up the reason for splitting
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:32
Subject: Sexless marriage
"just deal with no sex" is not an option for a normal person.
Assuming you are normal, there are 2 options:
- divorce
- declare open marriage
Now man up and do what needs to be done. And please stop posting here, you sound pathetic. No wonder she doesn't want sex with you.
Assuming you are normal, there are 2 options:
- divorce
- declare open marriage
Now man up and do what needs to be done. And please stop posting here, you sound pathetic. No wonder she doesn't want sex with you.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:12
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
There wouldn't be a compromise, she doesn't want to or at least often going by your posts. Do you really want to have sex with someone that has to lie there waiting for it to be over.
Either stop bothering her or get divorced. You're over thinking, overly dramatizing it way too much. Those are the options if you can't accept it.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:09
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
Well one forcing the other to do something they don't want is also selfish. Yes if the problems are too many, divorce and then date others. Maybe you'll end up with someone more compatible, of course maybe not.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 16:03
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place. But to the 2 previous posters. When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected. One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed. It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people. And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you. And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way. But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy. And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship? I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her. All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.
But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce. Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented. That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle. Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:52
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Like everything in a marriage you compromise best as you can. If the check list has more minuses then it might be time to call it quits. I'm not going to divorce over 1 or 2 things, I look at the entire relationship.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:49
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.
By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:49
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
Do you actually think sex is the only way to connect with another person? And do you not see how connecting through sex is connecting on YOUR terms only? How connected will she feel if she's just doing it to satisfy you and doesn't enjoy it?
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:42
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me? That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only. That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:33
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
Then find other ways to connect. Which are good for BOTH people.
Anonymous
06/27/2016 15:31
Subject: Re:Sexless marriage
Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.
It's not about the orgasm or the words. It's the connection.