Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure people WANT to accept this degree of generosity from you or are you projecting onto them? If a friend bought me a new couch, I would be mortified and feel beholden to her. If you were getting a new couch yourself and offered me the old one rather than taking it to a dump, that's one thing, but buying me a whole new one? Way too much, I'd be very uncomfortable.

Throwing money around willy nilly to friends and family is a large part of the reason many NFL and NBA players are flat broke within 5 years of retirement. You seem to regard it as a never-ending wellspring that can be safely shoveled out the door to lavish on everyone within your acquaintance, but first of all that's gaudy and second of all you are very wealthy but not Richard Branson. The world's low-level millionaires don't get and stay that way by making it rain all over town. If you want more for your brother, try tightening the belt on that $10000/month. I bet you can do it.

she must think her spouse is going to make $1,000,000 in ordinary and rental income each year, each year. not the case my friend, not the case. the higher the income and bonus, the more volatile and short-lived.

Are you seriously comparing us to bankrupt professional athletes?

We spend about 20% of DH's annual income and save the rest. I don't consider ourselves rich but we are doing more than fine.

I mentioned this previously but DH and I both went into lucrative professions so our friend circles are not struggling financially. My immediate family and one childhood friend aren't doing so well. I do not blow money on every random acquaintance.

Yes, DH does comment if I buy a large baby shower gift. He does not think I need to give the teacher a $50 gift card for staff appreciation or a box of chocolate for the mailman during Christmas. I may send my brother a gift card to dunkin donuts or target occasionally. We are talking about $1000 TOTAL PER YEAR. This is not bankrupting us.

The car I never bought my family and the couch I never bought my friend also is not bankrupting us.

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Anonymous wrote:No. If I felt like this was what I needed, I would get a job.

I agree. It doesn't sound like SAHM is for you.

DH wants me to stay home. He thinks it is best for our children. He loves our children more than anything.

I want to ask for a certain amount to be placed in a separate account per month that I can spend as I choose. I was thinking $5k. For the record, I spent at least $10k per month.

Do you want to stay home? What do you think is best for your children? Does he love you?

It is probably best that I stay home for my children. That is why we decided together that I would quit my job. DH used to earn high six figures before I quit. The plan was that he could ramp up and work as hard as he could. It has paid off. I don't even know if he could ramp down at this point.

At the same time, I think our overall family life was better when we were both working. He and I would take turns picking up the kids. He was home more. So while our HHI is higher, our lifestyle was better. That extra 500k he earns makes no real different in our lifestyle. At the same time, if he was willing to give an extra 25k or so to my family, it would make me worlds happier.

Are you just nuts? You spend $10,000+ a month on yourself and household, your husband pays for your brother and you are complain you need more money? For what? At $10,000 a month, you probably have fancy crap and enough for 3-4- people. If you start giving 25K to your family, especially brother, he could lose all his benefits as benefits are based off of income. Do you even get how benefits work? Buying him clothing, food and paying directly for some stuff is ok, go overboard and he could lose his benefits. He's far more than generous. You don't need paid, he's already paying you with open access to money and credit cards/

OP - you and your brother seriously sound like entitled brats??

Are you for real??!

Why can't your brother work?

Why isn't it enough for your husband to buy a house AND pay all your brother's bills?

And now you want to give him an additional $25K/year in spending money?

What. the. fuck.

Keep on this path, and your ass will be divorced in a few years. I'm a woman and I'm disgusted by your behavior.

My brother can't work because he is disabled.

We actually live below our means. Our house is paid off. Kids attend public school. Besides real estate taxes, we have very few expenses. We own a few properties. My brother lives in one of those properties. We have enough in savings to last us a few years. We do travel a lot. I spend much more on vacations than shopping.

I forgot I started this thread yesterday. I spoke to a friend last night. She reminded me that everyone has family problems that causes strain in a marriage. It may be the drunk MIL who you don't want around the baby, uncle with a gambling problem, the elderly grandmother no one seems to want to take care of, depression, sibling rivalry, adultery, etc. She said my problem is not so bad because DH loves me and he does take care of my family already. She knows we will find a solution and it doesn't have to be with a monthly fund transfer.

DH and I had a great morning before he went to work.

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Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Yes, he collects food stamps (gets the EBT card filled per month) and a small housing stipend.

He gets a housing stipend when he has a fully paid for house? That sounds fraudulent.

Another Red Flag in this story.

My brother would be homeless without us. He used to live with my parents and my parents were struggling financially so a social worker helped my brother get disability benefits. The housing stipend was calculated based on his share of my parents' home expenses. It was causing my parents too much stress as they aged and had health problems of their own.

DH is technically my brother's landlord. There is a lease. We also have other tenants.

My brother would have been placed in a group home. This broke my heart so DH found a solution.

Your post makes no sense. NO housing stipend from a social worker/gov't is based off of estimated costs of living with your parents. He doesn't need a 20,000 car. He may have been better off in a group home with supervision and services.

http://www.disability-benefits-help.org/faq/accepting-financial-affect-eligibility-social-security-disability

I was not talking about social security benefits. It is the housing, Medicaid and food stamps. So, he is lying on those applications.

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure people WANT to accept this degree of generosity from you or are you projecting onto them? If a friend bought me a new couch, I would be mortified and feel beholden to her. If you were getting a new couch yourself and offered me the old one rather than taking it to a dump, that's one thing, but buying me a whole new one? Way too much, I'd be very uncomfortable.

Throwing money around willy nilly to friends and family is a large part of the reason many NFL and NBA players are flat broke within 5 years of retirement. You seem to regard it as a never-ending wellspring that can be safely shoveled out the door to lavish on everyone within your acquaintance, but first of all that's gaudy and second of all you are very wealthy but not Richard Branson. The world's low-level millionaires don't get and stay that way by making it rain all over town. If you want more for your brother, try tightening the belt on that $10000/month. I bet you can do it.

she must think her spouse is going to make $1,000,000 in ordinary and rental income each year, each year. not the case my friend, not the case. the higher the income and bonus, the more volatile and short-lived.

OP, you may think you are very noble, but you're not.

The co-dependency model you've set up with your family of origin is alarming and worsening. You dishing them money, gift-cards, free housing, free food, and now $1000s of cash is just enabling them to do nothing with their lives

Your husband does not have the same flippant, overly "generous" values as you do with money you both work damn hard for.

Get a trustee who works with mildly "disabled" clients to take this over. And then stop siphoning off your family's money. Your family is you, your husband and your 3 kids. Everyone else is doing just fine.

I also suggest you get counseling for your cognitive dissonance, co-dependency, lying/hiding about money things from your husband, and enabling because after you do it for your adult siblings, mother and father you will be doing it for your children. Their whole lives.

Try to motivate people to better themselves, not shove houses, cars and cash at them each week.

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Anonymous wrote:No. If I felt like this was what I needed, I would get a job.

I agree. It doesn't sound like SAHM is for you.

DH wants me to stay home. He thinks it is best for our children. He loves our children more than anything.

I want to ask for a certain amount to be placed in a separate account per month that I can spend as I choose. I was thinking $5k. For the record, I spent at least $10k per month.

Do you want to stay home? What do you think is best for your children? Does he love you?

It is probably best that I stay home for my children. That is why we decided together that I would quit my job. DH used to earn high six figures before I quit. The plan was that he could ramp up and work as hard as he could. It has paid off. I don't even know if he could ramp down at this point.

At the same time, I think our overall family life was better when we were both working. He and I would take turns picking up the kids. He was home more. So while our HHI is higher, our lifestyle was better. That extra 500k he earns makes no real different in our lifestyle. At the same time, if he was willing to give an extra 25k or so to my family, it would make me worlds happier.

Are you just nuts? You spend $10,000+ a month on yourself and household, your husband pays for your brother and you are complain you need more money? For what? At $10,000 a month, you probably have fancy crap and enough for 3-4- people. If you start giving 25K to your family, especially brother, he could lose all his benefits as benefits are based off of income. Do you even get how benefits work? Buying him clothing, food and paying directly for some stuff is ok, go overboard and he could lose his benefits. He's far more than generous. You don't need paid, he's already paying you with open access to money and credit cards/

OP - you and your brother seriously sound like entitled brats??

Are you for real??!

Why can't your brother work?

Why isn't it enough for your husband to buy a house AND pay all your brother's bills?

And now you want to give him an additional $25K/year in spending money?

What. the. fuck.

Keep on this path, and your ass will be divorced in a few years. I'm a woman and I'm disgusted by your behavior.

I know...here the thing I don't understand if the DH pays all the brother's bills what's left to pay? Also a $100 gift card is really chicken feed on 10k of spending money a month. How does your DH even know you give a $100 gift card? You must tell him you bought the card or are just a troll.

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Anonymous wrote:I usually don't call troll, but...you spend $10000/mo and your husband even noticed (and cared) that you bought a $100 gift card to a grocery store? Stop it.

If only you could be a fly on our wall. We have so many ridiculous things we bicker about. I always want to give more. He wants to give less. He has mentioned getting rid of cable. He cancelled our exterminator contract because he thought we were getting ripped off. He complains EVERY SINGLE TIME we drive to NYC how expensive tolls are and doesn't want to get in the express lane. I have literally had to yell at him to get into the express lane for $10. Even birthday presents and baby shower gifts. The common theme is that he always thinks I give too much.

DH is my husband. I understand him. He is a very hard working individual who is fair. He reciprocates. He doesn't like the feeling that he/we always give more and will never get it back.

I am going to take the slush fund approach. I will gladly give up a bag, shoes or coat so that I can spend that same money on my family.

NP, and I totally hear you on this OP. My DH is a lot like this too. Despite a high family income, he still sweats the small stuff.
Did your DH grow up poor? Mine did, and I think that is part of why he is so careful with money.
My suggestion is to go back to work, and earmark a small percent to go into a separate account for you to spend as you see fit - be that spa days or your brother or your friend in need.
If your brother is living rent-free and utilities free, and gets a food stipend, I don't think there's all that much for you to help him out with.

No one ever got rich by giving away all their money.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:No. If I felt like this was what I needed, I would get a job.

I agree. It doesn't sound like SAHM is for you.

DH wants me to stay home. He thinks it is best for our children. He loves our children more than anything.

I want to ask for a certain amount to be placed in a separate account per month that I can spend as I choose. I was thinking $5k. For the record, I spent at least $10k per month.

Do you want to stay home? What do you think is best for your children? Does he love you?

It is probably best that I stay home for my children. That is why we decided together that I would quit my job. DH used to earn high six figures before I quit. The plan was that he could ramp up and work as hard as he could. It has paid off. I don't even know if he could ramp down at this point.

At the same time, I think our overall family life was better when we were both working. He and I would take turns picking up the kids. He was home more. So while our HHI is higher, our lifestyle was better. That extra 500k he earns makes no real different in our lifestyle. At the same time, if he was willing to give an extra 25k or so to my family, it would make me worlds happier.

Are you just nuts? You spend $10,000+ a month on yourself and household, your husband pays for your brother and you are complain you need more money? For what? At $10,000 a month, you probably have fancy crap and enough for 3-4- people. If you start giving 25K to your family, especially brother, he could lose all his benefits as benefits are based off of income. Do you even get how benefits work? Buying him clothing, food and paying directly for some stuff is ok, go overboard and he could lose his benefits. He's far more than generous. You don't need paid, he's already paying you with open access to money and credit cards/

OP - you and your brother seriously sound like entitled brats??

Are you for real??!

Why can't your brother work?

Why isn't it enough for your husband to buy a house AND pay all your brother's bills?

And now you want to give him an additional $25K/year in spending money?

What. the. fuck.

Keep on this path, and your ass will be divorced in a few years. I'm a woman and I'm disgusted by your behavior.

PP 12:23 again. Your DH doesn't worry about you spending money on yourself or your kids because he thinks of you as an extension of himself. THat's good. But he doesn't think of friends or your family as an extension of himself. How is he with his own family? Is he generous?

Even though your DH income is both yours and his, and he is very happy giving you and kids more than enough money to spend, I don't think he wants to spend the money carelessly, like there's no tomorrow. Like you said, he rarely spends it with his friends.

He wants you to be happy staying home with kids, but doesn't mean that you can spend the family money recklessly.

Spend your own money, be generous with your own money instead of your family $$$.

If you have agreement about personal spending money for each of you, then probably you can use that $$ to give your brother. Sacrifice you own portion of spending money for your brother, rather than having personal spending money and asking for more money to send for your brother. So instead of using the personal money for new clothes or bags etc, give it to your brother.

Have you even thought about what if he doesn't bring that much $$ anymore or sick, would you be OK then. Would it be OK with you if suddenly he needs to give you less money monthly so he can give ii to your ILs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually don't call troll, but...you spend $10000/mo and your husband even noticed (and cared) that you bought a $100 gift card to a grocery store? Stop it.

If only you could be a fly on our wall. We have so many ridiculous things we bicker about. I always want to give more. He wants to give less. He has mentioned getting rid of cable. He cancelled our exterminator contract because he thought we were getting ripped off. He complains EVERY SINGLE TIME we drive to NYC how expensive tolls are and doesn't want to get in the express lane. I have literally had to yell at him to get into the express lane for $10. Even birthday presents and baby shower gifts. The common theme is that he always thinks I give too much.

DH is my husband. I understand him. He is a very hard working individual who is fair. He reciprocates. He doesn't like the feeling that he/we always give more and will never get it back.

I am going to take the slush fund approach. I will gladly give up a bag, shoes or coat so that I can spend that same money on my family.

NP, and I totally hear you on this OP. My DH is a lot like this too. Despite a high family income, he still sweats the small stuff.
Did your DH grow up poor? Mine did, and I think that is part of why he is so careful with money.
My suggestion is to go back to work, and earmark a small percent to go into a separate account for you to spend as you see fit - be that spa days or your brother or your friend in need.
If your brother is living rent-free and utilities free, and gets a food stipend, I don't think there's all that much for you to help him out with.

Anonymous wrote:My husband would want just as much of a say in how money is spent whether I were workng or not. All money that comes in is shared.

This this this. I made mid six figures, 50k more than DH. I wanted to give my parents 500 a month because they live painfully frugally. But it's our money and I still had to get my DH on board. And we fought about the amount. He then reduced it to 300 a month after our first child was born. DH is a good guy but really dislikes giving my family regular $.

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Anonymous wrote:You can jeopardize your brothers benefits giving him income.

This. Your brother may see his benefits decrease or lose them altogether, which is more expense for you.

In regards to my brother, I want to get him a new car. I don't need to necessarily give him more per month. I also have 2 elderly retired parents. They live a very modest life with no luxuries. This has more to do with my parents than my brother.

This thread has made it pretty clear. I will go back to work.

When I was working, I was very resentful that I took the hit for every snow and sick day. DH earned about 3x what I did so of course it made sense that I was the default parent.

Having a successful husband has a lot of negatives.

Yes, it has a lot of negatives. But it has way bigger positives. If you really think you were happier when he made high 6 figures and he was involved more at home, taking turns, just tell him. Supposedly he wants to make you happy. Explain to him what will make you happier.

Are you sure people WANT to accept this degree of generosity from you or are you projecting onto them? If a friend bought me a new couch, I would be mortified and feel beholden to her. If you were getting a new couch yourself and offered me the old one rather than taking it to a dump, that's one thing, but buying me a whole new one? Way too much, I'd be very uncomfortable.

Throwing money around willy nilly to friends and family is a large part of the reason many NFL and NBA players are flat broke within 5 years of retirement. You seem to regard it as a never-ending wellspring that can be safely shoveled out the door to lavish on everyone within your acquaintance, but first of all that's gaudy and second of all you are very wealthy but not Richard Branson. The world's low-level millionaires don't get and stay that way by making it rain all over town. If you want more for your brother, try tightening the belt on that $10000/month. I bet you can do it.

OP, how much do you have in your retirement/investment accounts and for kids' college? Another PP was right - I bet you don't have as much money as you think.

You also need to think strategically about helping your brother. Is he so disabled that he can never work? In any capacity? Or can you help him get training/education so he can eventually support himself?