The biggest barrier to cross is different parenting styles by different parents for different children. The best thing to do I found out was to let him be the parent he wants to be with his children, while i did the same for mine. My child has a father. His children by a previous marriage have a mother.

This may cause some conflict between the children, but doing anything else will cause conflict within and between both sets of parents. Children deal with fairness issues better than adults...much better, we discovered.

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

It may not go over well if you take the younger kid on a separate (or nicer) vacation without the older kids.

Also, bear in mind that your life will be ruled by their school and activity schedules. It'll be even worse if they don't go to the same schools (like when the older one starts middle school).

I wouldn't assume that the ex won't be a significant part of your lives. If one of the children develops a serious problem of any sort, it will be all hands on deck for as long as it lasts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

This made me laugh A very detailed picture, but true nonetheless.

+1. Seriously, WTF. And don't think I don't know what they're doing in the shower.

Once those hockey bags go in the trunk of your car, the stench will never come out. Never.

OP you need to make sure you and your partner will be parenting the children together while in your custody. His ex parents with her partner and no one bothers the other or interferes.
I have seen where the ex tries to micro-manage the other home or interferes, so you need to see what the dynamics are and be clear you won't tolerate any of that. The children obey the rules of your home while there, and only you and the father make and enforce those.

The ex is just that, a ex that doesn't need to be a part of your lives. Of course there will be sports, and school functions where everyone needs to be cordial but you don't need to sit with ex etc. As for holidays, follow the court order and I would imagine they are split like most or on and off years. You'll have your own celebrations, ex will have hers and life will go on.

As for vacations you can take the kids when it's their time off, and you can also do your own when they are with the mother.

These are all goods things to know before making that commitment, and to make sure you both are on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.

Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....

Yeah exes like this who take pride in raising bratty kids are definitely not the ideal blended family match. Dammit, it wasn't enough to be married and miserable, she's going to make him suffer in divorce as well, along with any woman who dares to enter his orbit.

She is protecting her children's interests, and you can't blame a mother for that. You'd do the same, given an opportunity. Slamming exes is completely besides the point. The point is the man has financial commitments to other people. Now whether or not you are willing to live with this reality is up to you.

The money part didn't bother me as much as her bragging about how her kids would be a-holes the new wife because they're even a-holes to the nanny. Not sure she'd find that quite so braggable if they were treating her love interest and possible future spouse like dirt. She seems to think that's admirable for some reason.

Anonymous wrote:As a newly divorced mom who fully expects my ex to remarry at some point, one of my biggest fears is that the new family will supplant the existing kids. Especially if he has kids with the new wife. He's with that child all the time, and with his original kids only part of the time. It's hard to not feel like they'd be replaced in his affections.

I would urge you to do whatever you can to foster his ongoing relationship with his kids from his first marriage.

I'm a PP who was childless when I married. I do hate it that my step kids don't get to see their dad daily. But that's a causality of divorce. Remarriage doesn't have to make it worse. I can say unequivocally that my husband loves all his kids beyond belief, and we include my stepkids in everything we possibly can. My bio son has not "replaced" his older kids in affection at all. But that all depends on your ex's personality first and foremost. And it can be influenced, for both good or bad, by the new wife. But ultimately it's the dad who will make or break the relationship with his kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, a few things about teenagers:

They are independently mobile. They will come and go as they please. If their father's house really is THEIR HOME TOO, they will not and should not need permission to come over or be expected to call first. Would you expect that of your own child? So you will have teenagers coming and going (with their friends) at will and have no control over it. Noise, mess, and eating everything that's not nailed down.

They might want to live with their dad full-time. If he doesn't allow this, there will be hell to pay or he may lose the relationship entirely.

They are incredibly expensive. What is the college savings situation? Does your boyfriend fully understand his financial obligations?

Teenage boys (and tweens) smell terrible. I mean it. Even if they shower a lot. I don't know why, but that's how it is, and it's unbearable.

This made me laugh A very detailed picture, but true nonetheless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter how great he is, there has to be somebody equally great or better with less baggage.

You have no idea what you are signing on for.

I'm not the OP, but I prefer to look at people on their own merits, rather than as a series of options. If she loves THIS man, then why does it matter if there is someone "better with less baggage?"

As for her not knowing what she's signing on for, that was the point of her post. So if your point is "What you need to know is you know nothing" then great, but I don't see how that's useful.

What you call love will evaporate within the next few years, if they're lucky. What will be left is a lot more mundane, I'm afraid. So yes, the baggage people bring with them absolutely matters. If it didn't, OP wouldn't ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.

Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....

Yeah exes like this who take pride in raising bratty kids are definitely not the ideal blended family match. Dammit, it wasn't enough to be married and miserable, she's going to make him suffer in divorce as well, along with any woman who dares to enter his orbit.

She is protecting her children's interests, and you can't blame a mother for that. You'd do the same, given an opportunity. Slamming exes is completely besides the point. The point is the man has financial commitments to other people. Now whether or not you are willing to live with this reality is up to you.

Anonymous wrote:As a newly divorced mom who fully expects my ex to remarry at some point, one of my biggest fears is that the new family will supplant the existing kids. Especially if he has kids with the new wife. He's with that child all the time, and with his original kids only part of the time. It's hard to not feel like they'd be replaced in his affections.

I would urge you to do whatever you can to foster his ongoing relationship with his kids from his first marriage.

+1. If he's a better father to the younger kids, this may really, really, really hurt the older kids. It's hard to see your dad treating a second family better than he treated the first, even if you know it's a good thing that he came around. And even if it's just because his circumstances have changed (i.e., is older and makes more money and has more vacation time).

OP, make sure the kids get plenty of alone time with their dad. Don't try to butt in on every second they're together. I think all kids need alone time with each parent, even in the happiest of marriages, and you shouldn't be threatened by it. Don't try to force the big happy blended family thing. It's counterproductive.

Anonymous wrote:How is it stubborn that we wanted to see if our relationship was sturdy before meeting his kids? I know that being a step parent is hard, I don't have friends doing it, so wanted to tap into the collective experience here to know what to expect. I don't want to go in with unrealistic expectations that set it up for failure. I know my strengths and weaknesses, if we're taking the next step I want to do it eyes wide open believing we can make it work. Not unprepared and unrealistic.

It sounds really great and rational, except you can't be prepared for what's in store for you. What the heck, give it a shot. Have one kid. You can divorce and remarry later, if, or rather when, the proverbial soup hits the fan.

OP, I think it does work for some people. Those people are remarkably generous, flexible, open-hearted people who don't have a strong need for control in their lives. And there is an element of luck as well-- job or financial losses, major kid problems, health struggles, fertility (as PP wisely mentioned) and relationship struggles can really put this kind of family to the test.

I think you have to evaluate whether you really are the kind of person mentioned above, and whether your circumstances are likely to produce a lot of stress in the future.

You will hear from some people who are happy with their step-parenting lives, and maybe they really are. But I will caution you that not everyone accurately perceives what is going on in their family. To hear my mom tell it, we're a big happy blended family-- her loser boyfriend and his messed-up kids, and his ex, and my dad and his new wife and me and my siblings. But we haven't ever been in the same place at the same time for 20 years, because we're all just so busy. But a big happy family! My stepmother thinks everything is my mother's fault and my dad is perfect. But I was 16 when they divorced and I saw and heard quite a bit to the contrary. These are the things they need to believe in order to cope with their life choices. I keep my mouth shut because life is easier that way. But if she (or my stepmom) knew what I really think, they would flip right out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now

Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.

Did your husband have children from a previous marriage? I guess not, because I can guarantee you'd be singing a different tune. We can get blue in the face talking about equality, but a man with children (regardless of the custody situation) and a woman with children are two very, very different beasts for a million reasons I'm too lazy to get into. This has nothing to do with DCUM being "traditional" or whatever. Blame biology, society, whatever you want: a divorced woman with a child is far more marketable than a divorced guy with two kids, sharing custody. It is just the way it is, might as well accept it. I'm glad it worked out for you. Now picture the three children you have are not yours, but another woman's. Big, big difference

As a newly divorced mom who fully expects my ex to remarry at some point, one of my biggest fears is that the new family will supplant the existing kids. Especially if he has kids with the new wife. He's with that child all the time, and with his original kids only part of the time. It's hard to not feel like they'd be replaced in his affections.

I would urge you to do whatever you can to foster his ongoing relationship with his kids from his first marriage.

I wish you good luck, OP! My parents divorced when I was very little and remarried new people when I was around 5-6. My stepfather was a wonderful, caring man (we lived with him and my mother, saw dad and step mom on the weekends), who had kids of his own who lived with us too, and treated all of us the same. He was, and still is, a great dad and grandfather. My stepmother was not as nice--I could tell she deeply resented my sister and me, and made it a point not to get along with my mother even though her and my father got along okay. She took EVERYTHING personally, even things that a child would say, and I remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells being around her as a kid. To this day, I still don't have a great relationship with her or my dad, though we are working on making it better.
Being a step parent is a thankless, difficult job. If you're up for it, it can bring lots of love into your life. But you have to be realistic about the realities of having a blended family and willing to communicate and let things go when it bothers you. Your needs in your relationship will never come first. The kids should.