Anonymous wrote:I'm confused - the consensus on this thread is women should not take DH's last name as a progressive practice to throw off the patriarchal society yet children take the husband's last name? This seems in conflict. She carried them, birthed them, and let's be honest, typically does more of the child care. The kids should have her last name, not his.

What do you find confusing, exactly? That people might do one thing that is untraditional in US society (the wife keeping her name, the husband keeping his name) but another thing that is traditional (giving the child the father's name)? People are complicated. If you expect people to be completely ideologically consistent at all times about everything, you will be disappointed frequently.

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Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite problem - didn't change my name. Was amazed at all of the randos who had an opinion on that. I told them to eff off.

As for kids - I'm birthing them, so they will 100% have my last name. DH is ambivalent, so they may or may not share his last name.

Just don't decide to SAH. I think it's totally hypocritical when SAHM's keep their maiden name. Like they are soooo badass feminist but at the same time fine being totally dependent on their husbands money.

So stay at home dads should take their wife's last name. Since they are dependent on their wife's money.

I didn't realize that keeping my last name when I got married was a soooo badass feminist position. How exciting! My husband also kept his last name when he got married -- does that make him also a soooo badass feminist?

Also, at varying times, I have been dependent on his income, and he has been dependent on my income. Maybe we should have changed our last names whenever we changed our main source of income? That would be a nuisance.

And then, of course, there's the question of whether I stopped being a feminist when I stopped earning an income, and then started being a feminist again when I started earning an income again. And how about him? How does feminism + income-earning work for him? So confusing!

There you go, using logic and common sense. Just wait, soon someone will come in and accuse you of being "shrill."

I'm confused - the consensus on this thread is women should not take DH's last name as a progressive practice to throw off the patriarchal society yet children take the husband's last name? This seems in conflict. She carried them, birthed them, and let's be honest, typically does more of the child care. The kids should have her last name, not his.

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Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite problem - didn't change my name. Was amazed at all of the randos who had an opinion on that. I told them to eff off.

As for kids - I'm birthing them, so they will 100% have my last name. DH is ambivalent, so they may or may not share his last name.

Just don't decide to SAH. I think it's totally hypocritical when SAHM's keep their maiden name. Like they are soooo badass feminist but at the same time fine being totally dependent on their husbands money.

So stay at home dads should take their wife's last name. Since they are dependent on their wife's money.

I didn't realize that keeping my last name when I got married was a soooo badass feminist position. How exciting! My husband also kept his last name when he got married -- does that make him also a soooo badass feminist?

Also, at varying times, I have been dependent on his income, and he has been dependent on my income. Maybe we should have changed our last names whenever we changed our main source of income? That would be a nuisance.

And then, of course, there's the question of whether I stopped being a feminist when I stopped earning an income, and then started being a feminist again when I started earning an income again. And how about him? How does feminism + income-earning work for him? So confusing!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had the opposite problem - didn't change my name. Was amazed at all of the randos who had an opinion on that. I told them to eff off.

As for kids - I'm birthing them, so they will 100% have my last name. DH is ambivalent, so they may or may not share his last name.

Just don't decide to SAH. I think it's totally hypocritical when SAHM's keep their maiden name. Like they are soooo badass feminist but at the same time fine being totally dependent on their husbands money.

So stay at home dads should take their wife's last name. Since they are dependent on their wife's money.

Most men would not agree to change their last name when they marry so why should women?

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wtf? So either I'm named after my DAD or my HUSBAND? How is either less sexist? I personally loved taking DH's name. It's a worse name than my maiden name, but it means a lot that we're the same last name and will have children share our name.

No. Choose one of these options:

1. You have your father's last name and your husband has his father's last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your father's name and taking your father-in-law's last name.)
2. You have your own last name and your husband has his own last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your own name and taking your husband's name.)

But there is no way that you can give up your father's last name and take your husband's name -- unless you believe that women can't have their own last names?

Thank you. I really hate the argument that a woman is deciding between her father's last name and DH's last name. The name on my birth certificate is MINE.

+1

That argument rests on the assumption that only men own their names, and women are always just borrowing them from some man. In fact, my name is my name. Yeah, it's the same as my dad's last name, but it's MY name, that I have had since birth and used for decades. It's as much my name as my husband's last name is his last name, even though it's the same as his dad's.

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Anonymous wrote:I always feel a little disappointed when women decide to change their names, and unlike other posters I actually don't know a lot of women who kept their maiden names. I understand why they do it and truly am not judging them as individuals, but it's one of those things we all do because it's the path of least resistance (culturally, I know it's actually a lot of paperwork to get through). Engagements and weddings - like life - are just full of these antiquated, sexist little rituals, and it can be tiring to fight them all.

Did you take on your maternal family name or your paternal family name?

Since I was an infant I didn't have a choice. I was simply given my father's last name. I've had it since birth and now it's my name. It's how I've always been known. That's fundamentally different than up and changing your name to someone else's as an adult. Do you really not see that?

Your argument also seems to suggest that change is impossible. Unless you somehow were given a whole new last name or your mother's maiden name from the start, you can't argue against taking your husband's name? Since pretty much all women essentially have some other man's last name because of tradition, we are in no position to question or oppose that tradition? Bizarre.

Like I said, we all do what we have to do to survive in a patriarchy. I shave my legs, wear heels, makeup, and do all the other drag that's required of me even though I think it's sexist bullshit. I'm sure there are women who look at me and are disappointed. And I'm sure there are men out there who have to hype up their traditional masculinity to fit in and feel accepted. We all have our roles, we all pick and choose what lines to recite and which ones to skip. Very few walk off the stage completely, though, so none of us is really in any position to be pointing fingers and getting judgy.

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Anonymous wrote:I'd never say anything but secretly I think less of women who change their names.

I do too.

I thought you were feminists? Doesn't that mean we get to make our own choices?

No, that is actually not what feminism means. Feminism means believing that men and women should have social, political, and economic equality.

No one forces anyone to change their name. It's disgusting to tell women not to, though.

Anonymous wrote:What? When I got married, all my coworkers immediately asked me what my last name was. I'm a little more conservative though, so I'm sure they just assumed.

Absolutely nothing got changed at work though. It took years to get a new badge that matched my drivers license and I have two emails that are combined (both last names). Frustrating. IT basically acted like I was the first person ever in their federal agency to change their last name.

They messed up my ID, email, and name plate with a nonexistent hypen. 18 months later they still haven't given me a new name plate. Feds!

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Anonymous wrote:

wtf? So either I'm named after my DAD or my HUSBAND? How is either less sexist? I personally loved taking DH's name. It's a worse name than my maiden name, but it means a lot that we're the same last name and will have children share our name.

No. Choose one of these options:

1. You have your father's last name and your husband has his father's last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your father's name and taking your father-in-law's last name.)
2. You have your own last name and your husband has his own last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your own name and taking your husband's name.)

But there is no way that you can give up your father's last name and take your husband's name -- unless you believe that women can't have their own last names?

Thank you. I really hate the argument that a woman is deciding between her father's last name and DH's last name. The name on my birth certificate is MINE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

wtf? So either I'm named after my DAD or my HUSBAND? How is either less sexist? I personally loved taking DH's name. It's a worse name than my maiden name, but it means a lot that we're the same last name and will have children share our name.

No. Choose one of these options:

1. You have your father's last name and your husband has his father's last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your father's name and taking your father-in-law's last name.)
2. You have your own last name and your husband has his own last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your own name and taking your husband's name.)

But there is no way that you can give up your father's last name and take your husband's name -- unless you believe that women can't have their own last names?

Not really. Spanish naming convention is two last names and you could follow that by among one of the last name a middle name and the other last name the last name. No hyphens. You can be Mrs Jones Smith

You are answering a different question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

wtf? So either I'm named after my DAD or my HUSBAND? How is either less sexist? I personally loved taking DH's name. It's a worse name than my maiden name, but it means a lot that we're the same last name and will have children share our name.

No. Choose one of these options:

1. You have your father's last name and your husband has his father's last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your father's name and taking your father-in-law's last name.)
2. You have your own last name and your husband has his own last name. (In that case, when you change your name upon marriage, you are giving up your own name and taking your husband's name.)

But there is no way that you can give up your father's last name and take your husband's name -- unless you believe that women can't have their own last names?

Not really. Spanish naming convention is two last names and you could follow that by among one of the last name a middle name and the other last name the last name. No hyphens. You can be Mrs Jones Smith

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always feel a little disappointed when women decide to change their names, and unlike other posters I actually don't know a lot of women who kept their maiden names. I understand why they do it and truly am not judging them as individuals, but it's one of those things we all do because it's the path of least resistance (culturally, I know it's actually a lot of paperwork to get through). Engagements and weddings - like life - are just full of these antiquated, sexist little rituals, and it can be tiring to fight them all.

Did you take on your maternal family name or your paternal family name?

I'm an NP, but in my case, my family name wasn't/ isn't, really. My father legally changed it to an "American" name when he arrived as a political refugee, and that is my last name now. My mother kept her maiden name. I would never change my last name- I already have one.

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Anonymous wrote:I'd never say anything but secretly I think less of women who change their names.

And you are part of the problem. Why does it matter to you?

Because their actions affect all of us. When some women continue to bow to sexist traditions, other women are expected to follow suit.

Oh eff off. Changing your name allowed me to feel more like a family unit. I wanted that very much because growing up my parents were divorced and my 'different' last name was very annoying. Not EVERYTHING is about the patriarchy and its definitely NO ONE'S business how one family wants to conduct themselves.

Get over yourself. You clearly would not be interested in marrying the type of man that this was important to and likely the feeling would be mutual. Which is great and why everyone making their own decisions is such a great model of life!

Why would PP changing her name allow you to feel more like a family?