Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

One angle I have thought of is encouraging him to ask his married/parent friends if they do anything comparable to this. "Do you think Bill goes and meets 23 year old single women on saturday night without nancy?" "How do you think Dave and Susie handle socializing with new single friends?"

Any other suggestions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

This is what my husband would say if I told him I was uncomfortable with him spending a bunch of money at the bar with another woman.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem really worried that your DH will steamroller you and make you feel bad for the feelings you have, and that somehow you are the one with the issue here. You are trying way too hard to be the "cool wife" but what you reallly need to do is address head on why your husband is spending his free time and the family's money on going out with younger women. You absolutely have the right to bring it up. I would ignore the posters here who are trying to make you out as paranoid. This is not having independent friendships, this is going out late at night drinking with single women. And I would not assume that "jen" or whomever thinks he is a harmless, creepy dad. There are plenty of young women who are taken with older men and the thrill of someone who is married even more so. Plus, the fact that he goes out when his wife is at home with the kid sends the signal that he is free to do what he wants, hell maybe he is even intimating you have an open relationship.

I think you must take him aside and say: I feel that you're behavior is inappropriate and crosses boundaries. It makes me uncomforable and more than that, it makes me sad that you would rather spend time with new, female acquaintances than with me. I would like you to stop going out at night with these friends without inviting me along.

At the end of the day, even if he thinks there's "nothing wrong with it," (and he will do this and try to make you feel like you're the issue) in a marriage the feelings of his wife should take precedence over a new friendship with a random woman. You may have to ask him point blank if going out with new friends is more important than nurturing the relationship with his wife and if he is willing to hurt you in order to satisfy this need he evidently has to socialize. When he pushes back and says that you're being paranoid and jealous, you ask him "well, then how about we hang with them together." You certainly should say that it is inappropriate after a date night that he goes on another date and at the very least, it suggests to other women that he is available and looking because sorry, a married man who is drinking at a bar at 11 pm at night with a single woman with his wife at home with a kid is a married man looking for action. He may very well be fooling himself about this, but deep down he probably knows this is inappropriate.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

One angle I have thought of is encouraging him to ask his married/parent friends if they do anything comparable to this. "Do you think Bill goes and meets 23 year old single women on saturday night without nancy?" "How do you think Dave and Susie handle socializing with new single friends?"

Any other suggestions?

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
How do i respond if he says he thinks this is all totally normal and kosher? That I'm just over reacting? I highly doubt he'll just suddenly agree and say "gee, i didn't think about it like that, i'm sorry I was being disrespectful."

One angle I have thought of is encouraging him to ask his married/parent friends if they do anything comparable to this. "Do you think Bill goes and meets 23 year old single women on saturday night without nancy?" "How do you think Dave and Susie handle socializing with new single friends?"

Any other suggestions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To quote from one of OP's early posts, "He has phone numbers for a couple of them as they have offered to babysit DC." How did it come about that they offered to babysit DC? Because this older married guy kept hanging around the bookstore and chatting them up, and then he glommed onto them one day at closing and asking if they minded if he came along to wherever they were headed. That was the beer they grabbed together. As they sat in the bar together, with a weird vibe, one of them asked pointedly, "So where's your wife?" He said, "Home with our kid."

On other evenings at the bookstore he had the same answer, she's home with our kid. So finally they said to him, "We can babysit for you! Then you can go out with your wife." He ran with that and said, "Sure, why don't I get your numbers." So now he has their numbers and texts them. In the beginning it was actually about babysitting, but now he texts them about how their dates went, where they are going to be.

They don't dislike him per se. He's an entertaining enough guy, and it gives them something to talk about during slow times at the bookstore. They don't consider whether he's attractive or not since he's this older married dad. They hope that his behavior while odd is innocent, that he won't cross the line.

OP here. This could be a pretty accurate picture. I think he enjoys feeling young around them and hearing about their dates, etc. But regardless of what the staff think of DH, I am not comfortable with this pattern continuing. Too bad I still cant work up the guts to initiate the conversation. I'm scared of the blowback that makes me out to be a wet blanket (though I have never ever asked him to limit his social life in any way up to now) or of DH confessing something really hurtful.

I just paid our visa bill this morning. the charge from Sat night at the bar was over $90. and he didnt get to the bar until 10pm. and the only person he said who joined him there was Jen. So he either bought a bunch of drinks for Jen or got really generous with his unknown fellow boxing fans.

I know I need to say something tonight. Dreading it.

OP, perhaps you can begin your discussion by mentioning the Visa bill. "So I was paying the Visa bill this morning and I saw that the charge from Saturday night was over $90. What did you buy? Was that for you and Jen? Did you buy her drinks or some food at the bar?" If he says that yes, he treated Jen, you could say that seems really strange to you because that makes it like a date. He was at a bar with a single woman on Saturday night and bought her food and drinks. You just aren't comfortable with that, you could say. Then from there you could say that the whole thing makes you uncomfortable, and that it's probably making the bookstore women uncomfortable too since they offered to babysit so he could go out with his wife.

At least the Visa bill would be a way to begin, and it's very legitimate to be concerned about where family resources are going. I understand your discomfort at possibly seeming like a wet blanket wanting to limit his social life. I would be uncomfortable as well. I don't think you can tell other adults what to do. I think you can only share your perspective and see what he says from there. And then you make your decisions from there.

Prepare in advance for how you'll react in various scenarios. What will you say if he says he bought the bar a round of drinks? What if he treated Jen, but he says it's no big deal and you're being ridiculous? What if he says he needs to have some fun going out since you never want to go anywhere?

Good luck, OP. Let us know how it goes!

Anonymous wrote:Imagine your DH has struck up friendships with the staff at a neighborhood bookstore that he frequents. A lot of the staff happen to be young women. What's your comfort level, roughly?

1. he goes to the store frequently and they chat
2. he has exchanged phone numbers and they text
3. he meets up with them socially (without you present)
4. he invites them over to your home

Or some other "level" I am not articulating here.

Where are you cool with it? Where are you irked?