Anonymous wrote:You sound like a control freak. It wasn't the nicest thing for her to do but it's also not the slap in the face you're reading it as.

+1 let it go

Anonymous wrote:Your daugher is becoming her own person and may not share your disdain for pricey purses and such. That is her prerogative. She does not need to be a mini you.

this!!!!!

OP here Bottom line, I do not agree with such an expensive gift for a young girl who still babysits and considers a good weekend getting $50-75.00. We give her an allowance but she is more than thrilled with a nice Coach bag, and incidentally I gave her one for her birthday.

it goes against everything my husband and I believe in and up until now we have done a darn good job. I have seen the destruction that takes place when kids get things too much and too soon. We want no part of it for our kids. We have raised three kids all who are straight A students, very accomplished athletes and "good well mannered kids" by all accounts from their teachers to their friends parents.

Even my daughter said she was shocked at being lavished with such a gift. And has decided to return it, get a small crossover LV bag that is a bit more suited to a younger person and will keep the credit for another time. This was her decision which I support. First thing we had her do was write a nice thank you.

My brother did call me last night to say he told his wife that wasn't a good idea as "we don't like giving those kinds of gifts" and he said they actually argued bout it but that she insisted. Getting a whiff of her personality now? We laughed over it in the end and agreed to let it go.

Why do i wear work out clothes? I am a full yoga instructor/personal trainer so it's my job! Hope this settles down a few very would up personalities!

All is good now, still do not approve of what she did but it worked itself out.

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. I was just thinking about this a bit more. Smallman lives across the country from you, and has only been married to your brother for two years. Between her own marriage, adjusting to being a stepparent, her career, as well as her own side of the family, I would guess that she has not actually spent any time at all focused on your views of gifts. Not in a mean way necessarily, but, come on. Given your negativity toward her in your posts, and you were condescension and judgment, I would assume she knows you are not crazy about her. But you are just an in law who lives all the way across the country, and I'm sure she has many more pressing and relevant issues to think about, as do you. All to say I would not take this as personally as you are.

That said, if you have any two-year. You've known her being very vocal about you your disdain for the types of purchases she makes, then perhaps she did buy your daughter this gift as a way of stating that she is secure and her actions and that you cannot control her or her relationships with her now extended family, with your criticism. If that's the case, perhaps it would be best for you to look inward and question why a grown woman would need to be so familiar with your disdain for her activities given that she lives across the country.

In short, it seems that either she does not know your views on the subject in any significant way, or that she does because you have been Coley inappropriate and making your views known. Either way, you are the one at fault, as very pretty as you may be.

Apologies for the various typos.

A PP here. I was just thinking about this a bit more. Smallman lives across the country from you, and has only been married to your brother for two years. Between her own marriage, adjusting to being a stepparent, her career, as well as her own side of the family, I would guess that she has not actually spent any time at all focused on your views of gifts. Not in a mean way necessarily, but, come on. Given your negativity toward her in your posts, and you were condescension and judgment, I would assume she knows you are not crazy about her. But you are just an in law who lives all the way across the country, and I'm sure she has many more pressing and relevant issues to think about, as do you. All to say I would not take this as personally as you are.

That said, if you have any two-year. You've known her being very vocal about you your disdain for the types of purchases she makes, then perhaps she did buy your daughter this gift as a way of stating that she is secure and her actions and that you cannot control her or her relationships with her now extended family, with your criticism. If that's the case, perhaps it would be best for you to look inward and question why a grown woman would need to be so familiar with your disdain for her activities given that she lives across the country.

In short, it seems that either she does not know your views on the subject in any significant way, or that she does because you have been Coley inappropriate and making your views known. Either way, you are the one at fault, as very pretty as you may be.

Also, if it is a passive-aggressive dig at your attitude toward them, but not making any kind of deal out of it at all, you win.

Anonymous wrote:It's a gift! Your reaction is over the top. You've said your brother and SIL are not hurting for money. This is how they choose to spend their money.

Personally I think I'd look on it is a compliment to how much they enjoy and appreciate their niece -- it's not an attack on you. Your SIL did not sit around actively plotting how she could get at you.

+1

A few thoughts:
1. The gift was from your brother's whole family. But you've got a problem, take it up with him as he's your blood and is the only one conceivably responsible for knowing or caring about what you would find inappropriate for your dad to receive as a gift.

2. Your brothers family didn't travel out for the celebration and I would guess wanted to get her an extra-special gift to let her know they recognize her 16th as a bug deal and worthy of celebration.

3. You seem to be a clear b$$ch. You do nothing but criticize your SIL for the very same traits you seem to admire in your brother the surgeon (ambition, type A, etc.), and you seem pissed that your brother married someone whobiscthevopposite if you. That's just freakish. And to refer to her as hard looking and sometimes attractive while you describe yourself as very pretty us just pathetic (not at all relevant to your issue and weirdly competitive and mean). Honestly, I'd pay $1800 for a bag for your daughter and skip the party too if it meant not having to spend the weekend with you.

Anonymous wrote:Graciously accept the gift. They can afford it, and it is consistent with their lifestyle, but not yours - and your DD knows this. Accepting the gift doesn't mean you are changing your own family's values or choices - and your DD understands that too. She's 16, and has grown up in your household, not yours.

You can act shocked and even let your DD know that you don't approve at all, that you think it's crazy, and talk about why. But at the same time acknowledge SIL's generosity.

Make sure your DD understands how to care for it properly and treat it well. And make sure she thanks them profusely.

But don't fume - they make different choices than you, that's all. And FWIW, I am like you and would never in a million years make such a purchase. My own bag is $30. My kids understand this about me, and it's how we live as a family, so I wouldn't make a big deal if my DD got an extravagant gift for a special occasion.

Your DD is being raised by you, not your SIL.

This is a terrific reply. OP, please go back and read it again, especially the part I put into bold above.

NP here. My brother owns a jewelry business. He loves to give our DD, who is 15, gifts from his store. And at Christmas he gave her a very, very expensive watch. I knew a watch was in the works as her gift, but not that particular one! Our DD knows that uncle has access to all kinds of expensive goodies, and loves to give presents of jewelry, and this isn't the first time he's given her (or my husband, for that matter) a gift that is, as the PP puts it, more consistent with his lifestyle than with ours. But we thank him profusely and are always sure to wear his gifts when we visit him. For the record, she's guessed that the watch is expensive and is now nervous about wearing it, alas, but we're encouraging her to treat it as the day to day tool it really is.

OP, please heed the very wise PP above: Your daughter, by this time, either does or does not know and share your family's values; if she does, surely she can handle the idea that she has some relatives who are really over the top on gift-giving--and that's OK. If your DD acts like she now expects expensive gifts from SIL, or if DD starts to act like she expects a different lifestyle within your family -- that would be a problem, yes. But if she can learn to just accept a gift like this graciously and be very appreciative, that's fine.

I think that some baggage regarding your own feelings toward SIL is at play here. Don't let your DD become part of that dynamic by venting to her about how awful you think the gift is. Just encourage her to show her gratitude and then USE it every single day until it falls apart. That's why my brother always says when he gives an over the top gift -- wear it every day, insure it in case it gets lost, and love it by using it to pieces no matter what it cost.

Your daugher is becoming her own person and may not share your disdain for pricey purses and such. That is her prerogative. She does not need to be a mini you.

Not sure why you needed to tell us that your SIL is "hard looking" to relate this story!

The gracious thing to do is say "thank you." Would have be having a cow if they had spent that much money on airfare to come to her party? Doubt it.

Anonymous wrote:Graciously accept the gift. They can afford it, and it is consistent with their lifestyle, but not yours - and your DD knows this. Accepting the gift doesn't mean you are changing your own family's values or choices - and your DD understands that too. She's 16, and has grown up in your household, not yours.

You can act shocked and even let your DD know that you don't approve at all, that you think it's crazy, and talk about why. But at the same time acknowledge SIL's generosity.

Make sure your DD understands how to care for it properly and treat it well. And make sure she thanks them profusely.

But don't fume - they make different choices than you, that's all. And FWIW, I am like you and would never in a million years make such a purchase. My own bag is $30. My kids understand this about me, and it's how we live as a family, so I wouldn't make a big deal if my DD got an extravagant gift for a special occasion.

Your DD is being raised by you, not your SIL.

This is really good advice. I'm also not sure I see the difference between a bag of a few hundred dollars and one of a few more hundred dollars. You're not modeling frugality, exactly.

Perhaps this is a good opportunity to introduce your daughter to budgeting. Talk to her about what it takes to be able to afford bags like that (either giving up other things, or a lot of hard work). I would be most concerned that DD doesn't think these things are her "due" or grow on trees, or that she will be able to afford them herself when she's out of the house.

She got her a bag not a tattoo calm down.

It's a gift! Your reaction is over the top. You've said your brother and SIL are not hurting for money. This is how they choose to spend their money.

Personally I think I'd look on it is a compliment to how much they enjoy and appreciate their niece -- it's not an attack on you. Your SIL did not sit around actively plotting how she could get at you.

Anonymous wrote:OP I know how you feel. At 16 you are trying to teach your DD the value of money and other life lessons. So the extravagant gift does not sit well especially in light of your SIL making fun of your marshalls bag. Some people are really into expensive handbags and others are not.
Just keep the bag and send a nice note -- just like you would to anyone. Thank you for the lovely ....
And talk with your DD about the responsibility of owning expensive things. most teens I know with expensive real LV mostly keep them in the closet. Too expensive to get banged around for everyday use. Its a target. So it is for special occasion. I hope your DD will listen to your advice on this subject.

+1