Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly when an affair is justifiable. When you would do your spouse more harm by leaving them then by having a discreet affair. My DW went years with zero desire after the kids were born. I had a couple affairs that allowed me to stay married and sane. She regained her libido, I am faithful now, we are very happy family.

OP, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

"Put on your oxygen mask" by jumping overboard. Great plan, PP! And when that "discreet affair" blows up?

I'm agnostic on the having an affair thing but I don't there is a guarantee it will blow up. I think there are a good few cheaters who go undetected and I say that because I am single and dating in DC and there are a LOT of husbands on Match, OK Cupid, Tinder and so on and I mean BLATANT with it. I doubt they are all in open marriages.

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly when an affair is justifiable. When you would do your spouse more harm by leaving them then by having a discreet affair. My DW went years with zero desire after the kids were born. I had a couple affairs that allowed me to stay married and sane. She regained her libido, I am faithful now, we are very happy family.

OP, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

"Put on your oxygen mask" by jumping overboard. Great plan, PP! And when that "discreet affair" blows up?

This is exactly when an affair is justifiable. When you would do your spouse more harm by leaving them then by having a discreet affair. My DW went years with zero desire after the kids were born. I had a couple affairs that allowed me to stay married and sane. She regained her libido, I am faithful now, we are very happy family.

OP, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Sounds like you missed the whole for better or for worst part. At least you have sex and have a reason for the limited frequency. My ex simply withheld sex. No reason no explanation. 1 once a year or so.

Anonymous wrote:dh has serious anxiety disorder and after much trial and error found a medication that controls it somewhat years ago. problem is it kills his libido, we have sex ~4x/year and its awful when we do b/c it has to be very quick and focused on his stimulation. he dislikes the side effect but is unwilling to try other meds and risk going back to his point of extreme anxiety.

i've tried to discuss this with him but it just makes him feel awful and produces more anxiety so i've stopped bringing it up. we have a loving and stable marriage otherwise but i can't stand the thought of giving up any sort of satisfying sex life forever when i'm only in my early 30s. he would not be ok with an open marriage and he would be devastated and go off the rails if i left - which i don't want to except for the total lack of sex life.

what would you do in my shoes?

1) Did you have good sex before the meds? If so, the problem is the meds. If not, the problem is your spouse and/or your relationship.
2) If just merely discussing *this* issue causes anxiety for your spouse, have him consider the level of anxiety he'll feel if you bail. That's not "nice", but it's accurate. You're thinking about stepping out of this marriage (either via divorce or cheating, and neither would be fun for him) and he needs to truly understand that, especially if his excuse for maintaining the status quo is "I dont want to risk... anxiety." He's gonna have some anxiety. Let him choose the source.
3) Anxiety sucks ass. I am well and truly familiar, believe me. However, it sounds like your spouse is using it as a crutch and an excuse. "I can't fuck you, because my anxiety meds. I can't change my meds because my anxiety. I don't want to talk about it because anxiety." Having anxiety about one's anxiety means the meds he's currently on aren't working as well as they probably could. For that alone, you should strongly urge him to try other things. It may take months, but months are doable. Sickness and health, remember?
4) Stay present. Crying about how much this will suck for 50 years/forever is ridiculous. Yes, here and now is not going so well. Look for things you can do to change your situation. If you try all you can think to try but still can't change your situation, leave (and go find a new situation, 'cause they all suck in some way). You don't need to suffer 50 years, so don't try to use that imagined, hypothetical suffering to justify making dumb decisions in the present.

Cheating is never justifiable. There is no such thing as a "justifiable affair". That sort of mentality is both emotionally and intellectually lazy, not to mention unethical. As someone mentioned upthread: if you think he'd be shattered if you left, just imagine how he'd feel if/when he finds out you cheated.

Is this another example of one of those good guys posters are insisting that the single women asking about good men in DC marry before they die alone and ostracized from society for not paring up and doing life the "right way"?

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist once told me "there is no such thing as a justifiable affair but there is such thing as a justifiable divorce"

+1

i get this in theory but i think we are both better off married. he is much happier with me than he'd be divorced - i add a lot to his life, have helped his mental health significantly, added stability, and provide companionship that i think makes his day to day much better. he similarly makes my life better than being single would be and day to day we have a happy relationships with each other. but the thought of staring down 50 years without any real sex is crushing.

divorce seems like the worst outcome for us both but maybe that's me fooling myself

Oh fuck right off with all this rationalization bullshit. YOU are better off staying married so you can scratch the itch but don't have to deal with a divorce and losing him "making your life better" while you screw another man on the side behind his back.

It's fundamentally dishonest and hateful for you to pursue a life-long affair rather than divorce him. Either work with him to improve things or divorce him. You are disgusting for justifying your interest in an affair by saying it's good for you both. It would obviously destroy him to find out, so you either woman up and divorce him or woman up and have a honest conversation about how much sex means to you and how you need to find a better solution together.

The bigger truth is many should have stayed single. They are not cut out to be real partners. There are real struggles in life, kid problems, health, and if they can't weather some of the little nonsense best to stay single and have all the sex they want since it's such a priority. No one person can ever meet all your needs be it emotional, sexual, what have you. At some point you have to put the adult pants on and accept it.

This is so true. Marriage is a huge commitment and people hop into it like it's a 2-year Peace Corps stint.

OP, first page: ask him to get CBT instead of this medication. If he doesn't want to do that, divorce him.

Either he (unwillingness to prioritize your needs and compromise on his treatment methods so both his health needs and your sexual needs are met) or you (unwillingness to communicate honestly and compromise with your spouse on a timeline to resolve this satisfactorily or just divorce) are NOT READY TO BE IN A MARRIAGE.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.

I for one would absolutely give me SO a pass to discretely get laid if I was paralyzed - why would I want to deprive them of such a sweet part of life just because I couldn't do it

I think you can still do it even if paralyzed.

OP should get a divorce but promise to remain friends (if he wants that).

But he is NOT paralyzed. Forced celibacy is not in my vows. My DH has forced me into a celibate life and now I will cheat. For better or worse is a two way street. I didn't take a bow of celibacy-I am NOT a nun!

A NP, not the OP.

Grow up your moron. Either compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. You and people that think like that are low life's. Liars and cheaters usually get their karma. Be a grown up, cheating is never justifiable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.

I for one would absolutely give me SO a pass to discretely get laid if I was paralyzed - why would I want to deprive them of such a sweet part of life just because I couldn't do it

I think you can still do it even if paralyzed.

OP should get a divorce but promise to remain friends (if he wants that).

But he is NOT paralyzed. Forced celibacy is not in my vows. My DH has forced me into a celibate life and now I will cheat. For better or worse is a two way street. I didn't take a bow of celibacy-I am NOT a nun!

A NP, not the OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.

I for one would absolutely give me SO a pass to discretely get laid if I was paralyzed - why would I want to deprive them of such a sweet part of life just because I couldn't do it

I think you can still do it even if paralyzed.

OP should get a divorce but promise to remain friends (if he wants that).

Anonymous wrote:OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.

I for one would absolutely give me SO a pass to discretely get laid if I was paralyzed - why would I want to deprive them of such a sweet part of life just because I couldn't do it

Anonymous wrote:OP, you took a vow, for better or worse. If your spouse was paralyzed and couldn't have sex, would you feel an affair was "justified"?

Sorry but no.

First phrase that comes to mind when I think of "justifiable" is "justifiable homicide". An appropriate response to a life threatening situation. No, there's no such thing as an affair in self defense. Get a vibrator.

I can hardly believe someone would literally believe in a dated vow. Maybe these people believe in it because they hope it would protects them from a divorce even if they refuse to lift a finger to please their spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.

+ 1 million

I don't know where all of you gals with no interest in sex come from (did your moms tell you it was bad? Is your DH bad in bed?) but if this is your view you should set your poor husbands free. No whining because you are the mother of his children, just set him free and admit to the world that it's largely your own fault and not his.

DW of 25 years

I just needed the sex to have my babies. Now I am fulfilled by them. My DH I need to support those two kids he helped me make and to help around the house because I'm overwhelmed. I just can't even think of sex other than for reproductive reasons.

Okay - this must be a post from a man. And to this man - I'm really sorry for you. Honestly - really sorry.
I'll bet you went for the prettiest one but looks fade and some of those gals are wolves in sheeps clothing as they say.

Didn't mean to diss pretty people. But I think we all have dated some 'pretty ones' who have spent their lives getting a lot of attention and who don't seem to feel the need to do much for others. I had a pretty boy boyfriend who told me that I should give myself my own orgasms during sex! Thank god I didn't marry him. If you go for the looks without regard for the character you get what you signed up for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. I am not telling you to cheat but this issue is just the tip of the iceberg. Looking down the barrel of a marriage where the major need of one partners is not satisfied is not good for either of you.

And in reading some of these other comments, I fully understand why there are so many miserable marriages and why the infidelity rate is so high. It is like many of you have said that sex is not a priority for you but yet your spouse just has to deal if it is a priority to them. Our pre-marital counselor told us point blank that infidelity is wrong. However she said that forced celibacy and denial of intimacy to your spouse is JUST AS WRONG. Sure, there are times when either of you are not in the mood and you should not have to do it at that point. But truth be told, if keeping that connection with your partner is important, you will find the time and the mood on a regular basis. Sure life happens, but I did not sign up for a long miserable, celibate marriage. in the absence of an illness or health issue that prevents sex, forcing that on your spouse is cruel. If that is waht some of you are doing, I could not blame your spouse one bit for having some on the side. I could not imgaine putting up with someone's crap day after day and not being able to get some on the regular. You cannot expect your spouse to honor the marriage compact when you aren't. Marriage is supposed to enhance your life, not be some dreadful death march.


- a DW married for over 20 years.

+ 1 million

I don't know where all of you gals with no interest in sex come from (did your moms tell you it was bad? Is your DH bad in bed?) but if this is your view you should set your poor husbands free. No whining because you are the mother of his children, just set him free and admit to the world that it's largely your own fault and not his.

DW of 25 years

I just needed the sex to have my babies. Now I am fulfilled by them. My DH I need to support those two kids he helped me make and to help around the house because I'm overwhelmed. I just can't even think of sex other than for reproductive reasons.

Okay - this must be a post from a man. And to this man - I'm really sorry for you. Honestly - really sorry.
I'll bet you went for the prettiest one but looks fade and some of those gals are wolves in sheeps clothing as they say.