Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

It's not polite to be smoking such potent sh*t without sharing your stash with the rest of the class.

Anonymous wrote:Your daughters behavior is completely normal. Girls who talk back to their parents are more successful adults. My three mouthy teenagers grew up to be strong, serious successful professionals, great moms and happy wifes. My advice: laugh it off.

Anonymous wrote:I really do not understand how I've raised such a b***h Princess 13 y.o. DD. I have always had boundaries, rules, consequences, etc. etc. She is so horrible right now, I am not kidding if I could get out of here and leave her with DH I would, but for my younger, sweet DD. This older DD has always, always vied for Alpha status and been self-centered and not the best at empathy, and now that she's a teen, it's risen to a whole other level.

This is the latest. She got up from dinner to start studying. I reminded her to bus her plate.
"No, mom, you do it, I have to study!"
I said, "look, honey, you still need to bus your plate.
[i]"MOM, you are WASTING my time, just DO IT for me!"
I said, "You need to do it; I am not the maid!" and she said,

"Well, actually, mom, you ARE. I could see if you had a job, but you don't. So you basically ARE our maid."

I told her, "My job is not to be the maid. My job is to raise kids who are not PIGS!"

So, yes, there have been consequences for this behavior and a discussion about this, culminating in me saying, "I would rather you fail out of school than be of poor moral character. The world doesn't need another smart, straight-A asshole!"

However; a couple days later, I forgot that DD had two basketball games in the same week, so did not have her uniform washed for the second game. She was furious and said, "oh great, now I have to wear a dirty uniform because SOMEONE was LOUNGING around instead of washing my clothes!"

YES, DCUM, she received big consequences for this mouthing off. Also I had much consternation because this was one of my concerns when becoming a SAHM; that my kids would not respect what I do (and the sacrifice I made with my career to do it--and to get that damn career, I needed a lot of education--it was a career I aspired to and worked for for many years). Btw we couldn't do it any other way because my career involved travel and was a thing I couldn't do part time, and DH's hours are super-long. Basically I either became a SAHM or we would have to have a nanny raise them.

You would laugh because the next day, I applied to volunteer at a local museum (I'd been contemplating it anyways) and that night I told her, "I applied for a job. I don't think it's good for me to be seen as just the maid." Anyways as an aside, I'm really looking forward to my "job" and I'm not going to mention that it's "just volunteer"!

My post is not asking how to handle this. My post is really a lament, and a plea to know if this is some stage, and if anyone has gone through this and came out of it intact. Basically, it's a pity-party by me, and any words of encouragement would be helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

OP here. Thank you all for your replies, and want to reassure you that there were significant consequences to this outrageous behavior. FYI for those who asked, DH is supportive. And I agree with PPs that I am engaging too much. I love the "drop the rope" comment because it's a really easy phrase to remember when in the thick of it. I think I'll make a post-it of this and remind myself every morning.

I want to comment on this PP. I agree with you that for our household, the way we have work divided, it was my job to get the laundry done. We haven't had two games in one week before, and I did not think it through, and if she had just said, "oh, no, it's not washed!" I would have apologized because I did screw up there.

But we are all working hard and we all make mistakes, and there is no excuse for berating someone and yelling "someone was LOUNGING" when they make a mistake. This is not the behavior we have modeled and I don't know where she gets it. And the thing that bugs me about the "lounging comment" is it is indicative of her not understanding that I work most of the day; there is so much more in my job besides housework, given that DH works long hours.

As for PP's comment above, "I think she has a point" about me being the maid, I agree with you also, and that's what causes me the consternation. Why wouldn't she think I was the maid? She didn't see my life, my career, before kids. She doesn't see the stuff I do besides housework.

So the two specific issues are 1) seeing me as the maid, and 2) thinking that I spend an hour or so picking up the house and then go eat bonbons for the rest of the day.

But again, my overarching issue is that unlike a maid, I am charged with raising a decent human being with good moral character and my lament is that I may be failing in that regard.

Anonymous wrote:Reason 4738348 not to be a SAHM.

Anonymous wrote:OP if you were working, your daughter would mouth off about how you are working and never home when she needs/wants something.

Teenagers are just crappy at times!

And they WILL find something to push your buttons and hurt you.

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, I think she has a point. As a SAHM, it is your job to be on top of ensuring sports clothes are clean, meal prep and tidying etc.

Anonymous wrote:Its the start of the teen years. They do come to an end.

I told my mother she was a fat, old waste of space.

And now we're very close.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I did not call her a pig. I said my job was to make sure I did not raise a pig.

I also was referring to behavior when I made the ass*ole remark. But anyways, DH privately got all over me for that.

Not my best moments, I agree.

Bottom line, re PPs focusing on that, I already *know* that engaging with her or getting all worked up is not good modeling. I keep asking for how to handle being strategic in the moment.