Anonymous
Post 01/22/2016 22:06     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.


You are completely different than what I or the OP is married to. You pursue your husband for sex, you never turn him down - great for you two (sincerely)! So I can totally see why his helping to get the house in order and get the housework done could lead to sex, because you both really want to have sex and totally will once you get the house straightened up and the kids to bed and hopefully to do so before you are exhausted. Me, OP, many other men would be Mr. Clean if that were the case.

But you are nothing like OP's DW, my DW, who have close to zero interest in sex (in general, with us, who knows). Choreplay didn't turn you on, it merely allowed you to have more time and energy for the sex you wanted to have. If you didn't want to have sex to begin with, this isn't a solution (although it might give your uninterested DW some time to allow maintenance sex which is precisely what OP doesn't want on a routine basis).


Correct. Lack of Choreplay as an excuse is just that, an excuse for an otherwise uninterested partner to shift blame to the other. No low libido woman anywhere is going to get hot for their husband because he did a better job taking out the trash or folding clothes.


Why are there low libido women who are married? Sorry for the dumb question but unless they marry an asexual were you tricked into marriage of did you notice signs when you were dating?
I feel bad for those of you married to 'low libido' people - it seems miserable.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 17:54     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.


You are completely different than what I or the OP is married to. You pursue your husband for sex, you never turn him down - great for you two (sincerely)! So I can totally see why his helping to get the house in order and get the housework done could lead to sex, because you both really want to have sex and totally will once you get the house straightened up and the kids to bed and hopefully to do so before you are exhausted. Me, OP, many other men would be Mr. Clean if that were the case.

But you are nothing like OP's DW, my DW, who have close to zero interest in sex (in general, with us, who knows). Choreplay didn't turn you on, it merely allowed you to have more time and energy for the sex you wanted to have. If you didn't want to have sex to begin with, this isn't a solution (although it might give your uninterested DW some time to allow maintenance sex which is precisely what OP doesn't want on a routine basis).
[u]


All true but there is usually some reason - not just sex drive - that makes people not take their partners needs into account.
It took me a long time to learn the reasons and I was very surprised at some of the reasons. I would chat frequently with spouse try to learn
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 11:02     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.


You are completely different than what I or the OP is married to. You pursue your husband for sex, you never turn him down - great for you two (sincerely)! So I can totally see why his helping to get the house in order and get the housework done could lead to sex, because you both really want to have sex and totally will once you get the house straightened up and the kids to bed and hopefully to do so before you are exhausted. Me, OP, many other men would be Mr. Clean if that were the case.

But you are nothing like OP's DW, my DW, who have close to zero interest in sex (in general, with us, who knows). Choreplay didn't turn you on, it merely allowed you to have more time and energy for the sex you wanted to have. If you didn't want to have sex to begin with, this isn't a solution (although it might give your uninterested DW some time to allow maintenance sex which is precisely what OP doesn't want on a routine basis).


Correct. Lack of Choreplay as an excuse is just that, an excuse for an otherwise uninterested partner to shift blame to the other. No low libido woman anywhere is going to get hot for their husband because he did a better job taking out the trash or folding clothes.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 10:41     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Step 1: Both spouses have a moderate to good sex drive.
Step 2: Both spouses conduct their lives in ways that allow their spouse's underlying sex drive to flourish.

Don't be an asshole and take care of the house are both in the "Step 2" category. They don't do anything for "Step 1." Probably the most important thing for "Step 1" is biology -- mostly hormones. But, I suppose you could include things like keep in shape and basic hygiene as "Step 1"-ish, but they fit in "Step 2" as well.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 10:31     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.


You are completely different than what I or the OP is married to. You pursue your husband for sex, you never turn him down - great for you two (sincerely)! So I can totally see why his helping to get the house in order and get the housework done could lead to sex, because you both really want to have sex and totally will once you get the house straightened up and the kids to bed and hopefully to do so before you are exhausted. Me, OP, many other men would be Mr. Clean if that were the case.

But you are nothing like OP's DW, my DW, who have close to zero interest in sex (in general, with us, who knows). Choreplay didn't turn you on, it merely allowed you to have more time and energy for the sex you wanted to have. If you didn't want to have sex to begin with, this isn't a solution (although it might give your uninterested DW some time to allow maintenance sex which is precisely what OP doesn't want on a routine basis).
[u]
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 10:31     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.


You are completely different than what I or the OP is married to. You pursue your husband for sex, you never turn him down - great for you two (sincerely)! So I can totally see why his helping to get the house in order and get the housework done could lead to sex, because you both really want to have sex and totally will once you get the house straightened up and the kids to bed and hopefully to do so before you are exhausted. Me, OP, many other men would be Mr. Clean if that were the case.

But you are nothing like OP's DW, my DW, who have close to zero interest in sex (in general, with us, who knows). Choreplay didn't turn you on, it merely allowed you to have more time and energy for the sex you wanted to have. If you didn't want to have sex to begin with, this isn't a solution (although it might give your uninterested DW some time to allow maintenance sex which is precisely what OP doesn't want on a routine basis).
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 10:23     Subject: Re:How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I am the poster that said my sex life improved when I started leaving the house more and being more selfish with my time. I think there is an extra layer to this that was a benefit to my wife - leaving her alone. I don't think she is unique in wanting to be left alone some nights, she seemed perfectly content to surf facebook, watch Real Housewives. All things being equal, I am sure she would like to have a friend around - but like the previous poster said, there is a difference between being her friend and her lover. And I understand why women would not be particularly attracted to a husband who is sitting on the couch conversing about the housewives, and while they may or may not love the idea of their husbands out at a bar or playing club basketball many nights, it is understandably more attractive than sitting around like her girlfriend, or trying to initiate sex when she isn't interested



The DW also can get alone time by leaving the house for her own activities.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 10:22     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.


I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.


As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.


Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.


I was (still occasionally am) in your boat, and it is soul crushing. My DW got off hormonal birth control, the youngest turned 5 and it has been somewhat better. We used to have sex 2-3 x a month, always a chore to her. Now we are 4-6x a month and she is more into it and that is the real difference. I can deal with once a week if she is have sex with me, not just taking it.

What I can tell you is there is very little you can do to change the situation. Your DW will come around or she won't. It is incredibly cruel for your DW not to make at least a weekly effort to have a fun sex life. Only bit of advice that I can give you that helped me (and us) is I became selfish with my evenings, I went out with friends, went to the gym, joined a club, and stopped trying to scramble home, help around the house, offer massages and all that other stuff that people suggest would help with my DW's libido. It helped that I wasn't sitting around stewing up to my eyeballs in sexual frustration and I could burn off the energy at the gym or go out and flirt with other women which helps the feelings of rejection.

No idea if her drive raised because of BC, kids getting older, her feeling like I was slipping away or having an affair, or some combination.


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I've (wife) never turned my DH down in 25 years (and pursue him often) but would kick him out if he didn't help with chores. Being a good, decent man is always a good thing and doing household chores is part of that. It is incredibly sexy to see a man doing chores too.

The dishes are my husbands thing and HE wouldn't have sex without them being cleaned up (and I would clean them is I have to/wanted sex).

Having the DW cleaning all the toilets is going to result in her killing you in your sleep and then you won't be having much sex. There is a correlation.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 09:20     Subject: Re:How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.


I am the poster that said my sex life improved when I started leaving the house more and being more selfish with my time. I think there is an extra layer to this that was a benefit to my wife - leaving her alone. I don't think she is unique in wanting to be left alone some nights, she seemed perfectly content to surf facebook, watch Real Housewives. All things being equal, I am sure she would like to have a friend around - but like the previous poster said, there is a difference between being her friend and her lover. And I understand why women would not be particularly attracted to a husband who is sitting on the couch conversing about the housewives, and while they may or may not love the idea of their husbands out at a bar or playing club basketball many nights, it is understandably more attractive than sitting around like her girlfriend, or trying to initiate sex when she isn't interested

Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 06:40     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.


I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.


As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.


Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.


I was (still occasionally am) in your boat, and it is soul crushing. My DW got off hormonal birth control, the youngest turned 5 and it has been somewhat better. We used to have sex 2-3 x a month, always a chore to her. Now we are 4-6x a month and she is more into it and that is the real difference. I can deal with once a week if she is have sex with me, not just taking it.

What I can tell you is there is very little you can do to change the situation. Your DW will come around or she won't. It is incredibly cruel for your DW not to make at least a weekly effort to have a fun sex life. Only bit of advice that I can give you that helped me (and us) is I became selfish with my evenings, I went out with friends, went to the gym, joined a club, and stopped trying to scramble home, help around the house, offer massages and all that other stuff that people suggest would help with my DW's libido. It helped that I wasn't sitting around stewing up to my eyeballs in sexual frustration and I could burn off the energy at the gym or go out and flirt with other women which helps the feelings of rejection.

No idea if her drive raised because of BC, kids getting older, her feeling like I was slipping away or having an affair, or some combination.


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.


Doing more chores and helping around the house never got any man additional sex. Those are just BS excuses offered up by women. If she wants sex she'll have sex, even with a sink full of dirty dishes. If she doesn't want sex (with you) then cleaning the toilet isn't going to get her hot. It's absurd.

There is a similar thread on explicit and someone made the point that what women want is a good husband and what turns them on to a lover are two different things. By creating a good husband they're creating a man that they have no desire to screw. PP's anecdote about doing fewer chores and being his own man...and getting more sex...makes sense.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2016 05:17     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Demanding sex doesn't make a better relationship. It simply raises the scale of martyrdom and resentment.

Try evening out the balance of your own choices/sacrifices, if it's not already too late. A woman who enjoys sex can easily turn enjoyment into a sacrifice, when her man doesn't keep his side of the relationship/marriage bargain. It is a way of evening out the emotional balance sheet.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 22:07     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.


I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.


As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.


Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.


I was (still occasionally am) in your boat, and it is soul crushing. My DW got off hormonal birth control, the youngest turned 5 and it has been somewhat better. We used to have sex 2-3 x a month, always a chore to her. Now we are 4-6x a month and she is more into it and that is the real difference. I can deal with once a week if she is have sex with me, not just taking it.

What I can tell you is there is very little you can do to change the situation. Your DW will come around or she won't. It is incredibly cruel for your DW not to make at least a weekly effort to have a fun sex life. Only bit of advice that I can give you that helped me (and us) is I became selfish with my evenings, I went out with friends, went to the gym, joined a club, and stopped trying to scramble home, help around the house, offer massages and all that other stuff that people suggest would help with my DW's libido. It helped that I wasn't sitting around stewing up to my eyeballs in sexual frustration and I could burn off the energy at the gym or go out and flirt with other women which helps the feelings of rejection.

No idea if her drive raised because of BC, kids getting older, her feeling like I was slipping away or having an affair, or some combination.


So you basically dumped the kids and household duties in the evenings on your wife because she wouldn't have sex with you?


I tried to come home and have dinner with the family, and help get kids to bed if I could, but the additional choreplay, or seeing what I could do to make my DW's life easier had no effect on her libido. Being a little more selfish with my time did lead to more sex. Perhaps I was more interesting to her or women have an instinct to bring a man back with sex if they feel him slipping? Who knows. And of course there are many women with a raging libido that would ravage their husbands if they weren't so exhausted; that wasn't my DW, YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 15:42     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: [T]he "take charge and no wimpy initiations" advice generally comes from non-low libido people, because they respond to that. A low libido DW who isn't already in the mood is NOT going to respond to that approach in a positive manner. I see all the time advice to "just grab her and kiss her passionately." If I did that to DW out of the blue she'd likely kick me in the nuts. No joke.

Normal and high libido folks give crappy advice because they don't understand that when a low libido DW doesn't want sex, THEY DON'T WANT SEX, and you're not going to change their minds with romance novel tricks.

I disagree. I am low drive and think that if my husband acted like he had to have me that it might turn me on. Whimpering up next to me like a puppy dog does NOT work for me.


Whimpering won't work, but I doubt a forceful initiation would be a lot more successful. You even hedge your bets -- you think & it might. I understand that nothing is fool proof in matters of libido, but you don't seem to be even reasonably certain. And, when it doesn't work, a forceful initiation is worse for everyone than no initiation or a weak initiation. You have to be more forceful and direct in turning him down, and he's forced to acknowledge that his aggression and forcefulness was just a sham. You are calling the shots, and he has to obey. The rejection cuts more deeply.

Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 15:27     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
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Anonymous wrote:My problem was that my DH could never be satisfied with just "regular" old sex. EVERY time had to be porn worthy. Sometimes after work, kids, etc. I wouldn't mind getting off but I don't want to make a big production out of it.

I'm not saying that porno worthy is a bad thing - sometimes. Other times, a quickie would be really great.


I don't think I want porno sex all the time, but I'll bet my DW feels a little of this. But I do find myself pushing for longer, more drawn out sex when it's been 3 weeks since the last time. If she were asking for a quickie within a week or so of the last time, I'd be all for it. But if I might not get laid again for a month, then the "fun sized" sexual encounter can be very unsatisfying.


As a DH that gets sex once a month I understand PP. I really want to please DW, but when she's accelerating full blast towards just getting me into the missionary spot and forgoing any offers of oral or other prelims I know it's just maintenance sex and that she wants it over with asap. But that resets the clock for her and it'll be weeks before we'll have sex again.

It sucks.




Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.

Can't you say that to her? It seems pretty cut and dry to me - it feels just like you are checking a chore off your list here.
Can you give her a list of some things you would like her to do? How would she take that?
And please no one just buy her lingerie and hope for the best - it seems that specific instructions are needed.


We've had this discussion. She simply declares that she's generally lost interest in sex and has no sex drive anymore. Sorry. And while she's never come out directly and stated that if I don't like what I get then I won't get anything at all, that's generally the implication.


Is she menopausal? That can kill sex drive for women.
Does she offer oral ? Seems like that would be nice.


Yes. She's 52 and through menopause. That is definitely a factor, but her libido had already started declining before that. Still, yes a factor.

As far as oral...nope. She hasn't done that in years and won't even do something simple like a HJ if she's not into having sex. If she's not in the mood, it's nada.


Well, a woman's testosterone levels and thus her sex drive peak at ovulation. Things can start to get dicey before menopause as fertility wanes.

When there is no ovulation and no functioning ovaries there isn't a lot of sex drive or sexual feeling even going on.

That's why they are trying to find a 'viagra for women'. You can go to a bio identical hormone doctor to get some testosterone but it's not really mainstream yet. I guess the gal has to want to go. Her body has been through hell with menopause probably maybe she's just recovering and getting herself together. Would she try that do you think?


While I do believe that she regrets her lack of desire, I don't think she'd be willing to do something not in the mainstream in an attempt to resuscitate it and I'd never pressure her into trying something that she wasn't comfortable with.


Well, for what it's worth, this is a good article

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/female-viagra-is-here-who-wants-it/2015/10/14/5ff6cb0a-50dd-11e5-933e-7d06c647a395_story.html
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2016 15:26     Subject: How to make sex a priority without making it a chore
Anonymous wrote:Wellbutrin


Doesn't that just dampen strong feelings?