I feel, ugh, reading your post OP. Marriage is not a zero-sum game. If other people love and include your DH or his kids in things, it is not a statement about you. Just because the kids got a piece of pie doesn't mean you have to feel angry because you didn't get the whole pie yourself. Anyway, a healthy family doesn't view love like a piece of pie. It's not an exhaustible product. You don't have to fight to get all of it.

My ex's new wife is doing the same thing you are -- trying to ensure that she is present at all times when they are with him or his side of the family and trying to prevent them from having their own relationship with his family without her intercession (and thus, control). They see right thru her. They are nice to her face, but they realize that she is the one that has begun to limit their time with him and his family. Of course, he is their Dad, so they don't want to consciously acknowledge his role in this. Although, it is clear that the older child understands that he is accepting this and thinks that it is OK. Sadly, the ex-wife just comes out looking like the evil one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

You're welcome. And I think people have been overly harsh with you about your reaction. After all, you're just venting here, not flipping out on your IL's and being all petulant or threatening or something. You're venting about something that I think a lot of reasonable people would find irksome. Again, I speak as someone who's DH has a really toxic ex-wife who has caused legitimate grief to our stepdaughter and a huge amount of stress in our lives. So, while I'd work really hard to be happy for my stepdaughter if my IL's invited her and her mom for holidays that we didn't attend, I'd still find it annoying and even maybe even disloyal if I opened FB to see a pic of my SIL with her arms around my DH's ex wife, happily embracing her at a family occasion. Especially if DH's family had an inkling of how toxic she is.

That said, again, I'd just swallow it and work hard on being happy for my SD. Another perspective is this -- my brother's widow is a really, really unstable person. But we totally suck up to her in order to get access to my nephews. We are unfailingly polite to her. We pose for pictures with her. We smile and play happy family. We bend over backwards to make sure she feels welcomed and catered to in order to get to share holidays with my brother's sons. (Even then, she has pulled them last minute out of my wedding, my mother's funeral, holidays, etc...she's unstable.) Anyway, isn't there a possibility that the FB pics are all for show? That they're sucking up to her to keep the lines of access to their granddaughter and niece open?

Anyway, if I were you, I'd keep a smile on my face, and keep venting about it occasionally to friends over wine, since it's understandably annoying. But you're doing the right thing by not making WWIII out of this, b/c it's good for your stepdaughter in the long run. Good luck. I know it's really, really hard navigating these waters.

sorry, more than you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

Oh Sookie, Sookie. There it is. The green-eyed monster. They like her better than you.

MIL was the first wife in this situation, and through several(!) of her XH's subsequent marriages, she has remained close with her former in-laws. They love her and their grandson, and they did not initiate the divorce. They are family.

My dad's been completely upfront about the fact that if any of his children divorce, he plans to do exactly as your ILs do, solely for the reason of maintaining access to the grandchildren. Uncomfortable for you, definitely, but smart from the grandparents' perspective and ultimately good for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband's parents seem to love their ex-daughter in law and grandchild and it is completely appropriate for them to separately celebrate holidays when you and your husband are not around. In fact, it makes perfect sense since it is obvious you and your husband would not get along at all with your husband's ex-wife.

When your husband divorced his ex-wife and married you, in no way does that create any moral, ethical, or legal obligation for his parents to cut ties or otherwise treat his ex-wife any differently at all, as the mom of their grandchild, then they treated her prior to the divorce.

You and your husband have issues with their close relationship with your husband's ex. The fact that you, and he, cannot see that the problem rests with yourself, and him, rather than with his ex, or the in-laws, is a clear symptom of the problem itself.

I don't know if that's narcissism or what, but you and your husband are the ones in need of therapy.

As a grandparent, I think you've made excellent points here.