Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I just wanted to say it's not my husband's parents that are the problem, just his dad (his parents are divorced). His mother and her family have never treated me like this. Hell, they invite me to events before my husband.

Then stick with them, and to helll with the dad.

But you and your husband need to get on the same page about your family life.

Your husband sounds like he was a victim of emotional abuse growing up and doesn't know how to create healthy boundaries.

+1000

THIS. PP who mentioned this, and this is exactly what it is. Sometimes it does not come out for years, unfortunately. It sucks. I am on my way out because of this. I can't take it anymore. It affects everything.

Yes, it affects everything, and when the wounds are so deep, there is little one can do to help!

OP, how did it end up working out?

Your husband is a pussy. Dump him and his shitty family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what did you decide? Does your husband see any problem with his begavior?

We're still trying to work it out.

So FIL's request to leave you out is still on the table?!? Gosh, OP, I'm sorry. Wow. I mean, have you told your husband that's unacceptable and not going to happen?

I told him that and it's been a back and forth argument all week! I'm already overwhelmed and over the holidays!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what did you decide? Does your husband see any problem with his begavior?

We're still trying to work it out.

So FIL's request to leave you out is still on the table?!? Gosh, OP, I'm sorry. Wow. I mean, have you told your husband that's unacceptable and not going to happen?

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with splitting family time for the holiday.

The problem here is that DH hid his father's request from you. Yikes! That is tremendously bad! Hurtful! Wrong!

If you guys had come to the decision that DH +kiddos go to ILs' and you go to nuclear family, for the sake of convenience and peace, that would have been absolutely fine. But, that you were actively not invited and DH chose to keep this from you? Oh, man.

That would be very hard to take.

As you try to work this out, please keep the actual dinner attendance (who goes where) to a minimum. It's simply not about that. It's all about DH's silence. His Dad is allowed to ask for what he wants. But, DH should have brought it to you immediately. "Hon, Dad wants just me and the kids this year. Think you could go solo to your folks'? They'll want you there since your sibling is now gone." Not very artfully-stated, but you get the gist.

I wouldn't have minded that in the least. You said it wasn't a surprise, since your relationship with the ILs is pretty stinky anyway.

Appalling, on both your FIL and your DH's parts. Your DH's ham-handed attempt to trick you is bad enough, but he actually thinks it's OK to take your kids away for a major holiday and send you off packing, alone, to your parents!? This is so messed up. Counseling is in order.

If he wants to go meet his dad, fine. But not with the kids. They can do that some other time, but not on a major holiday when it means you would be separated from them. Just out of the question. Wow. I am so sorry. What did your FIL do to his son to make him this weak? Or do you think your DH is preparing for a split? That was actually my first thought early into your post, though as I read more it sounded more like an overbearing FIL and a meek DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what did you decide? Does your husband see any problem with his begavior?

We're still trying to work it out.

!!!

Wow. Just, wow, OP. I'm so sorry. You and the kids go to your family, and tell your DH that if he wants to stay married, he's coming to counseling.

Seriously, your husband actually put up with that bullshit from his father? If my husband did that, he'd be packing his bags to go live with his daddy.

Anonymous wrote:What scares me is the thought -- What if the husband DIED? Would his family disown her and the kids? Would there be no contact? It would be scary to think about that.

Who cares? They sound pretty awful. The scarier thing is if she dies. Then they get way too much access to the kids.

Anonymous wrote:What scares me is the thought -- What if the husband DIED? Would his family disown her and the kids? Would there be no contact? It would be scary to think about that.

That is scary to think about!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have feuding family. We decided this year it will be at our house and who ever comes, comes. Its their drama, not ours. Your husband should not be forced to choose, but if he doesn't choose being with you, I'd be really pissed. He should not be going with the kids without you to his family. You do it at your house or your family if his family feels that strongly about you.

This is it, right here- it's HIS family, not hers. They don't have to like her, and they don't have to spend holidays with anyone they don't want to. If OP's husband wants to spend it with them and the kids, then he and OP have to work it out, but HIS family, as this poster specifies accurately, does not have to want to see OP or welcome her anywhere.

Wow. You're like, SUPER good at marriage.

Thanks! I do recognize that people marry who they want, and their family doesn't have to like it, or the person.

And super DUPER good at family.

Thanks!

Maybe a teensie weensie bit less good at irony.

You're right. I just didn't see any of that at all.

What scares me is the thought -- What if the husband DIED? Would his family disown her and the kids? Would there be no contact? It would be scary to think about that.

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, what did you decide? Does your husband see any problem with his begavior?

We're still trying to work it out.