Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

Oh, bullshit. Would you say the same thing if your kids were forced to call your DH's new wife "mom"? Same fucking thing, you ignorant bitch.

NP here. I only see one ignorant bitch. Or cunt. See how nice that sounds? But it's just a word, or a name, in your case, right? You must be really stupid (obviously) to equate the two.

It is disrespectful to call someone something other than what they ask to be called. For example, if my child went to school and decided he didn't respect his teacher and called her "Larla" instead of her last name, then there would be consequences severe enough to essentially force him to comply. If my teenager decided he didn't respect me and wanted to call me "woman", same thing would happen. If your kid was bullying some kid on the playground by calling them a silly nickname rather than their name, I'd hope you'd intervene. In this case, I can see a case for having a conversation in which you respectfully ask her to make a less loaded choice, but in the end it should be Larla's choice as to what she's called.

You are correct when it comes to names. You should call people by the name they wish you to use. "Teacher" and "Grandma" aren't names. They're titles or an appellations that denote relationships. Teacher-student, grandmother-grandchild. This woman isn't their grandmother, she is their step-grandmother. The rule you cite doesn't apply in this case.

I don't believe grand kids should be required to call her Grandma, but calling any relative by the formal "Mr." or "Mrs." is wholly inappropriate, passive aggressive and distancing. And I don't believe for a minute that all of the many grand kids came up with that offensive idea on their own. And any parent who suggested to kids that such formality would be appropriate with someone their grandfather chose to marry should be ashamed of themselves for taking out their agenda through children.

Anonymous wrote:"Grandma # 4", or variation of it.

I think I have hit upon the best name in this situation satisfying everyone.

LOL!!!!!

Or in line with what you AND a PP said, "Grandma Ivy"?!

What about Nana Jane?

"Grandma # 4", or variation of it.

I think I have hit upon the best name in this situation satisfying everyone.

Many kids call unrelated close friend "Aunt or Auntie." That could work in a 4th wife situation. The honorary Aunt thing.

It's forcing an emotional intimacy where there is none. To me it's like forcing a hug.

Courtesy is required. Respect is earned. And love is "given".

I think it's insensitive for a new spouse to come into an existing family and demand the same title and role of those who already exist and created the family decades ago. There already is a Grandma and the kids know this new lady is not it. She should let the relationship develop naturally rather than demand immediate titles she has not earned and would be taking from the still-living, real Grandma.

Perhaps Gram could work?

My grandmother (so my kids' great-grandmother) has a boyfriend who wanted my kids to called him the same name his grandkids call him. All the actual grandparents in the family had run their titles by us, the parents, ahead of time. The boyfriend just commanded it, didn't check with anyone, didn't take into consideration what it's like for the rest of us to have that title trivialized. The kids picked up on the fact that he's not really Grandpa. The name didn't stick, and I was relieved honestly.

This isn't an Ivy (!!! Love it!!); it's a grandpa problem.

He's pushing his wife's agenda and making her insecurity his kids' and grandkids' problem. It's particularly crappy because he's asking them to gloss over the difference between this woman and his ex-wife, the mother of their mother, who has known and loved them forever.

My daughter has a stepmother and a stepfather. She calls them by their first names. My ex-h and I would have gone ballistic if the other had asked DD to call a stepparent mom or dad. She loves her step parents, having had the opportunity to grow in those relationships over time. But there is one mom and one dad (or only two of each if you're talking about a same-sex family).

Grandma is not as extreme as mom or dad, but it is not a simple matter of politeness.

So here's what I recommend:

"Dad, we're all happy you've found love. In time the kids will form a bond with Mrs. Smith but for them, Mom and MIL are grandma and by forcing this issue, you are making them feel like you want to replace their grandmas. It's only going to get in the way of the kids' relationship with Mrs. Smith, which you don't want. So let's pick something else like Mimi or Nana."

Anonymous wrote:The woman asked to be called Grandma. What's the big deal? How is that different than being called Sarah or Jane or whatever? If someone asks to be called something, that's what you call them. How would the kids feel if she randomly started calling them something they don't like, such as Monkey Butt or Madame Ellie or Master John? Would you let her do that even if the kids requested they be called Ellie or John instead? Or would you tell the kids to suck it up?

I'm a PP. A stranger should not be telling established family what they will be calling her. Actual family are completely within their rights to say 'I know you want me to call you Grandma, but I already have a grandma, so what would you like me to call you instead?'

The woman asked to be called Grandma. What's the big deal? How is that different than being called Sarah or Jane or whatever? If someone asks to be called something, that's what you call them. How would the kids feel if she randomly started calling them something they don't like, such as Monkey Butt or Madame Ellie or Master John? Would you let her do that even if the kids requested they be called Ellie or John instead? Or would you tell the kids to suck it up?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the new wife is showing that she is concerned with the wrong thing. She's concerned with image, how things appear, not the relationship.

Of course she is. She's insecure, that she'll go the way of the other 3 wives, and by forcing this she thinks she's giving herself some permanency.

Yup. Desperate to establish a sense of permanency. Poor thing--it's hard for a woman of a certain age to find a man, anyway, and it sounds like he's kind of a cad. Must be a shit situation. But, still not her place to insist on "grandma".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father's wife has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma, your father has asked the grandchildren to call her Grandma Larla, and you think that the person/people whose preferences should be honored are the grandchildren? Why?

This.

You call people what they ask you to call them. If you call them something else, you are picking a fight. In this case, the kids are going out of their way to point out that the new step-grandma is not REALLY a part of their family. They're being little shits and you're letting them do it.

Oh, bullshit. Would you say the same thing if your kids were forced to call your DH's new wife "mom"? Same fucking thing, you ignorant bitch.

WTF it's grandpa's fourth wife???

Shee-it.

They should call her anything they want, because it doesn't matter, might as well start planning for No. 5.