Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:24     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.


Well if your kids are first then your husband is last. I don't know anyone that likes to be the last priority. Most women think its ok to put their husbands last behind their kids. That's part of the reason men get so unhappy in their "relationship" because the woman stops being sexual with the husband and the man becomes nothing more than a wallet and a whipping boy for her to complain about.

It is a mistake to put your husband last. Kids will grow up and move out. The husband wife relationship should be the one that extends beyond the kids growing up. Too often women simply say.... well... my marriage sucks but I'll stick it out for the kids.... and divorce once they are grown...
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:21     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.


Yeah, not everyone feels this way; some people the spouse comes first, and in the best of all circumstances, nobody "comes first"...


I'm OP and have often seen or heard people talk about how their marriage is the center of their lives and family. They love their children, but the healthy marriage has to come first. I don't necessarily share that belief, but I've heard it enough to prompt my question.

I also wonder about the statements that the children of the divorce didn't ask for this, should always come first even before children from the second marriage, etc. You could say the same thing about the children of the second marriage since they didn't ask to be born into this. Probably, after 7 pages, I agree that no one "wins it all" if you want to view marriages and families as contests, and in the best scenario all adults act like adults.


I'm 2nd PP.

If you look at the responses on the thread from people who are mature adults and didn't view it as a contest (which is the crux of it), everyone won - the blended family kids, and the parents. I know of several really happy healthy families like this, although my own "Brady bunch" was misery for nearly everyone.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:16     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a recently divorced guy, with a kid, who has not remarried yet -- and who has not introduced any dates yet to my son-- so take this for a grain of salt. To begin with, I find the whole concept of priority problematic. Everybody has needs. Everybody has time demands. Everyone wants and needs to feel special in a relationship. The issue would not, in my mind, be who is more important, but how can we all achieve more and be more comfortable.

Of course, there are conflicts. But there are conflicts if there isn't a kid too. Do you go on a work trip? Do you have a date night or go out with friends? Do you do the extra load of laundry, even though you hate doing laundry, because it will help your partner be more relaxed? Having a kid may create more conflicts because they create additional demands on your time. So everything needs to be allocated between 3 or more instead of 2.

I would only remarry someone that wanted my son to flourish. Not because he's more important, but because I just wouldn't like anyone who couldn't have that personal generosity of the heart and soul toward another person in their care. I wouldn't respect them as a person. I understand that my son wouldn't be her biological kid, and the feeling of protectiveness and generosity wouldn't be as strong as for her own offspring. There is biology to that. But someone that view a strict division betwen mine and hers is probably going to be absolute and unreasonable in other ways too.

I've been pretty bummed out lately that I've had several women that I was interested in dating, who expressed interest in me, who said they didn't want to go out after I mentioned I had a son (in texting before the date). I guess I should be grateful.


I am married, but this is how I would feel if I were to get divorced. Though to be honest I probably simply wouldn't remarry at all. My divorced friend seems to have had the best relationships with divorced men who also have kids from the prior marriage.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:11     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.


Yeah, not everyone feels this way; some people the spouse comes first, and in the best of all circumstances, nobody "comes first"...


I'm OP and have often seen or heard people talk about how their marriage is the center of their lives and family. They love their children, but the healthy marriage has to come first. I don't necessarily share that belief, but I've heard it enough to prompt my question.

I also wonder about the statements that the children of the divorce didn't ask for this, should always come first even before children from the second marriage, etc. You could say the same thing about the children of the second marriage since they didn't ask to be born into this. Probably, after 7 pages, I agree that no one "wins it all" if you want to view marriages and families as contests, and in the best scenario all adults act like adults.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:10     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:*I* may have to negotiate my parenting decisions behind the scenes with my new guy. But as far as my ex is concerned, this is between me and him. You can't parent by committee.


I am the PP you are replying to, and yes, that's exactly right - that's exactly what I'm saying. Of course, even if your ex-husband thinks it's simply between you and him, anything you bring to the negotiating table or ultimately agree to, you will have had to get your new guy on board with too. It's like the commutative property: your ex-husband will be negotiating to some degree - maybe very small - with your new guy, with you as the go-between.

In fact, that's how it should work - you should always be the go-between and never put either of them in the position of having to deal with each other. That little bit of poor role and boundary management is the main reason for the conflicts that started these threads.

My original point was that being the person in the middle like that is HARD. And a lot of people hit the wall with it, and throw their new spouse under the bus, using "my kid comes first" as a shield.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:08     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I would never marry someone with a kid. What an awful life for the second wife. It's not her fault (usually) that the marriage broke up or that there were kids.


+1 I think that people are making general statements. The needs of children always take first priority. But most issues that arise aren't about the needs of children; they are about the wants of children and/or ex-spouses. And I don't think they should necessarily always take priority.

Children should feel secure -- that they are loved and their needs will be met. But it does them harm to make them feel like their every want comes before the feelings of other people. And even worse is when an ex-spouse uses children as a means to exercise control over her/his ex's new relationship.

There has to be balance and give and take. Children should feel like they matter, but they should also understand that being part of a family means all members matter -- including the new spouse.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:04     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is why I would never marry someone with a kid. What an awful life for the second wife. It's not her fault (usually) that the marriage broke up or that there were kids.


Well, it can work fine if people go into this as mature adults understanding the entirety of the situation. This also includes sitting down and discussing the custody and support obligation, the parenting philosophies already at play, etc. Like everything else in marriage, communication is the key.


Worked fine for us. We've been married over 20 years. We each brought two kids into the marriage and then had one together. All but one is grown and gone. We have always considered the kids "our kids". We never used the term "step" to define our relationships with the children. When we married, we made a decision to create a family. Biology has nothing at all to do with it. I love all my children. None is a "priority" over another.

My ex-husband is also remarried. I could not have hand-picked a better other-mother for my kids. I've never felt the need to compete with her. My kids love her and she loves them. How on earth can children have too many people in their lives who love and support them?

It works when the adults are mature and self-actualized enough to make it work. It fails when parents (usually the wife/ex-wife) can't let go of petty jealously and resentment.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 13:02     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?


That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment


+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.


Are you a child of divorce? I am. I think people should take marriage seriously, should stay married if at all possible, and if not, wait until their children are grown to remarry. One family per adult.


I'm also a child of divorce, and I think that it's dumb to make blanket rules and expect them to fit well for all situations. By the time my mom remarried, I was old enough that having a stepdad wasn't really relevant to my life, but my sister is a lot younger than me. Having a supportive father figure in her life (more about our bio dad in a minute) and observing a healthy and supportive marriage was great for her. Our bio dad never remarried. The ~5 years or so when he had a serious girlfriend, he was happier, kinder, and more fun to be around generally. Since that relationship fell apart, he has largely been a lonely person who relies emotionally on his children (my brother especially) in a way that I do not believe is healthy for any of us. I wish that he had met someone he wanted to marry, because I think that he would be happier as a person. I especially wish that that had happened when my siblings and I still lived at home, because it would've been nice to have a dad who wasn't bitter all the time.

To each according to their needs.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:59     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.


Yeah, not everyone feels this way; some people the spouse comes first, and in the best of all circumstances, nobody "comes first"...
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:57     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
if you have never had children or been married before you really have no way of knowing or understanding what you are getting into.



Oh please. There are plenty of books (e.g. Stepmonster), blogs, and articles explicating this exact issue. And there are plenty of people struggling through step-parenting who would be happy to explain it if you were thoughtful enough to ask. If you failed to do any research, that's on you.


You're funny. I got into that marriage in 1990, and while I was on Usenet, there were no blogs. You're also either naive or disingenuous if you think you can learn the reality of an experience like marriage or parenting from a book.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:55     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?


That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment


+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.


Are you a child of divorce? I am. I think people should take marriage seriously, should stay married if at all possible, and if not, wait until their children are grown to remarry. One family per adult.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:54     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:I'm the poster you're responding to. I think it's important also to consider that someone with young children may not have a good understanding of what's developmentally or socially appropriate for older children.


Much snippage, but replying back.

I agree, and I would only amend this to include someone with no children at all not having a good understanding of what's appropriate for older children. However, none of that negates their right to have a voice on what happens in their own home and marriage. I'm not saying a brand new step-parent should really even attempt to truly act as a parent on an equal footing with the biological parents. They should, however, have some input, particularly when you're talking about things like household finances which are really only secondarily linked to "parenting".

For the PP saying there are no-win situations: absolutely. And the point isn't that your husbands first kids should be the only judges of whether or not he is present and supportive. They may not get everything they want (which is really probably just getting back together with their mom). I'm a child of divorce, and I've seen lots of other people like this who never ever grow up and realize that: 1) it's not all about them and 2) there are rarely black hat/white hat villains and heroes. There's no reason your husband shouldn't simply do what is reasonable and right, and if his kids are still pissed at him to some degree, then that's their problem. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your own happiness (directing this at the kids).
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:53     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:To all you "you knew what you were getting into" folks..If you are older and find yourself divorced, good luck finding a partner who doesn't have kids.


Then don't remarry. You don't have to be married and if you aren't ready to deal with someone who already has a family, you should stay single.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:50     Subject: Re:Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 12:41     Subject: Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?


That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment


+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.