Anonymous
10/27/2015 11:08
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
um no.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 11:08
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- let's put this ring issue aside. Do you feel like he loves you and makes an effort to make you happy otherwise?
I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.
Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.
But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?
Its interesting you bring this up. I feel two ways about this. One one hand, in our every day life, he is a dream. He is so careful and loving with me; makes me breakfast in bed; drives out to get me medicine in the middle of the night; walks 3 blocks to get me my lunch if i forget it in his car; takes care of me when I'm sick and gross; pays for my bills when Im too broke etc.
On the other, in the grand gestures of love that other guys are good at, he sucks. He didn't introduce me to his family or friends one full year into our dating. I only started to come around them after I cried and made a fuss about not being important enough in his life to have met them. He would refuse to be tagged in facebook pictures with me or be facebook official with me the first year we were dating.
Other guys are so vocal and visible about their love and commitment. Ours is very visible within the four walls of his apartment but not so much outside.
There it is again...
The subconscious scream for outside approval/attention is showing up again OP.
Facebook?
Visibility?
I ain't no Freud or nuthing but sounds to me like you need some personal therapy OP to address your underlying self-worth issues which has manifested itself into an subconscious need to constantly compare yourself to others and constantly try to attain approval from others to a degree that seems to be very unhealthy. If you don't seek some therapy and address this whole "Others Opinions Determine My Self-Worth" thing this whole engagement ring fiasco is only going to be the start of problems in your long-term relationship.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 11:04
Subject: Re:Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Then why do you want to marry him?
Anonymous
10/27/2015 11:03
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Yeah, I care, because I think it was a colossal fucking waste of money. DeBeers invented this "tradition." Don't be a sucker - spend the money on a nice home.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:57
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:OP- let's put this ring issue aside. Do you feel like he loves you and makes an effort to make you happy otherwise?
I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.
Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.
But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?
Its interesting you bring this up. I feel two ways about this. One one hand, in our every day life, he is a dream. He is so careful and loving with me; makes me breakfast in bed; drives out to get me medicine in the middle of the night; walks 3 blocks to get me my lunch if i forget it in his car; takes care of me when I'm sick and gross; pays for my bills when Im too broke etc.
On the other, in the grand gestures of love that other guys are good at, he sucks. He didn't introduce me to his family or friends one full year into our dating. I only started to come around them after I cried and made a fuss about not being important enough in his life to have met them. He would refuse to be tagged in facebook pictures with me or be facebook official with me the first year we were dating.
Other guys are so vocal and visible about their love and commitment. Ours is very visible within the four walls of his apartment but not so much outside.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:48
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
OP- let's put this ring issue aside. Do you feel like he loves you and makes an effort to make you happy otherwise?
I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.
Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.
But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?
I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.
Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.
But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:37
Subject: Re:Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".
It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.
Stop...
Right there in the bold is where your problem lies OP.
Check your priorities.
Are you in love with him and do you want to marry him and be with him for richer for poorer in sickness and in health, etc. or is impressing your friends and "keeping up with the Jones's" your main focus?
I was waiting for the "friends" card to be played, figures that is the OP's real agenda.
The dude needs to leave you now.
*ding*ding*ding*
She cares more about impressing friends and family than her potential husband and his ability to afford the ring.
Are you a first generation immigrant, OP?
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:36
Subject: Re:Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:All our other friends
This is your problem right here, OP.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
A $2k ring could feed a low-income family of 4 for nearly a year.
A $2k ring is 4x what I paid for my first car.
A $2k ring would have paid for a semester at my undergrad u.
A $2k ring is a vacation at the beach, or tickets to France, or...
Try comparing in the other direction.
Look, you can always make these comparisons. Every time you're upset about anything, you could say: I could be starving. And as a matter of perspective, sure, yes.
But sometimes you care about things even when you know objectively that it's a little unreasonable. And I sort of feel like it's our partners' jobs to be nice to us, and a little sympathetic, even when we're being small-scale dicks.
Okay, sure, maybe. But being "nice" and "sympathetic" doesn't = buying an expensive ring he can't afford.
I think the couple needs some counseling, stat.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:34
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.
I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.
Yes! I know its so hard to explain how I feel eloquently. But its the effort and the thought he put into planning this. He just did not plan! At all! Even though he had one year +!
Its not really about the cost. If he was a blue collar worker and he planned and saved and worked hard to get me the best 1k ring he could, I'd be so touched! What bugs me about my bf is that...I have set a reasonable standard; a decent ring for the middle range of what he can afford; nothing too flashy but nothing too shabby. In reality, he should go a little above to show that he cares and because as his girl/wife i deserve the best!
Instead, he wants to just do it last minute with as little thought as possible. And....because I know him, I even emphasized it to him, "sweetie, i love you! whatever you give me will be beautiful and a symbol of our love and i will wear it proudly and forever! so i want a nice ring"
and he always responds with "but rings are soo expensive"
The 2 bolded parts contradict each other...sorry. You can't say "whatever you give me " and than dictate what you want.....unless you really mean't to say "whatever you give me has to be beautiful and a symbol of our love so that I will wear it proudly" ...lol...
Well, because I will wear it forever and it will serve as a symbol of our love to others, he should WANT to get me something nice.
I always do that for him. There's a place to skimp and save and coupon buy but some things aren't for that. I'd never get him a wallet for his birthday from Wal-Mart. Its something I want him to have for a while and I want it to be good quality and durable so I will probably go to Nordstrom and get him the best I can afford. If it is more than my monthly budget, I will save for it a few months in advance.
Its one thing if he wants to get me shoes for the fall from the sale rack. An engagement ring? I'd hope he'd put more thought into it.
That's fine. But the way you wrote it is still simply not true. If you thought "whatever you give me" was ok, we would not be this many pages into this thread lol. There is a certain unspoken threshold that you expect him to meet or exceed. The woman on here that have rings <1k I would argue were ok with "whatever you give me", but you not so much.
You're young and still unmarried but if you do end up marrying this guy, I'm sure down the road in 10+ years you will realize how silly this all was.
Best of luck OP, from what I've seen it sounds like you and the guy have different priorities and right now it my be just the ring. After you are married it will lead to other conflicts besides "just the ring".
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:33
Subject: Re:Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm probably being naive and princessy. It's just so hurtful to me that he doesn't understand why I am emphasizing a nice ring. I'm not asking for a 20k ring. I'm asking for one in the range of 5-8k that I know he can afford on his own had he put some thought and effort into it. Right now he wants to use the 2k that he has and say " oh btw just a heads up I'm not gonna be getting you the ring you want so don't be disappointed".
It's so mean and makes me feel so unvalued! All our other friends whether they are more well off than us or not, the guys have gone through great lengths to make sure their girlfriends like the ring! Some girls didn't even care but the guy WANTED to go above and beyond because he wanted to impress her.
Stop...
Right there in the bold is where your problem lies OP.
Check your priorities.
Are you in love with him and do you want to marry him and be with him for richer for poorer in sickness and in health, etc. or is impressing your friends and "keeping up with the Jones's" your main focus?
I was waiting for the "friends" card to be played, figures that is the OP's real agenda.
The dude needs to leave you now.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:32
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.
I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.
Yes! I know its so hard to explain how I feel eloquently. But its the effort and the thought he put into planning this. He just did not plan! At all! Even though he had one year +!
Its not really about the cost. If he was a blue collar worker and he planned and saved and worked hard to get me the best 1k ring he could, I'd be so touched! What bugs me about my bf is that...I have set a reasonable standard; a decent ring for the middle range of what he can afford; nothing too flashy but nothing too shabby. In reality, he should go a little above to show that he cares and because as his girl/wife i deserve the best!
Instead, he wants to just do it last minute with as little thought as possible. And....because I know him, I even emphasized it to him, "sweetie, i love you! whatever you give me will be beautiful and a symbol of our love and i will wear it proudly and forever! so i want a nice ring"
and he always responds with "but rings are soo expensive"
The 2 bolded parts contradict each other...sorry. You can't say "whatever you give me " and than dictate what you want.....unless you really mean't to say "whatever you give me has to be beautiful and a symbol of our love so that I will wear it proudly" ...lol...
Well, because I will wear it forever and it will serve as a symbol of our love to others, he should WANT to get me something nice.
I always do that for him. There's a place to skimp and save and coupon buy but some things aren't for that. I'd never get him a wallet for his birthday from Wal-Mart. Its something I want him to have for a while and I want it to be good quality and durable so I will probably go to Nordstrom and get him the best I can afford. If it is more than my monthly budget, I will save for it a few months in advance.
Its one thing if he wants to get me shoes for the fall from the sale rack. An engagement ring? I'd hope he'd put more thought into it.
Do everyone a favor, especially this guy, and don't get married. If you can't handle this, there's nothing about marriage and children that is going to come easy for you. Marriage is for the long haul, and engagement rings are nothing in the scheme of things.
Stay single, and have male friends who don't want to marry but just wine and tine you. You can trade them out when you get tired of them or they don't pony up enough gifts.
Signed, woman happily married 28 years with a half-carat diamond engagement ring -- and a Tiffany's annivesary band 15 years in, when we had the money.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:29
Subject: Re:Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
You are both insecure. You want him to prove to you how valuable you are by getting you the big ring. He wants you to prove how valuable he is by accepting his marriage proposal even without the ring you were expecting. I don't know how you two have tolerated each other for this long, but you are going to have some serious work to do in your marriage.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:27
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
I wish my fiancée would try and make this an issue...
311 people just died after an earthquake in Pakistan and you stressing me out about a damn ring. Whatever, I ain't marrying your ass that's for sure cause if you bytching about a damn gift lawd knows you gonna be giving me migrane headaches bytching about everything for the next 50 years.
311 people just died after an earthquake in Pakistan and you stressing me out about a damn ring. Whatever, I ain't marrying your ass that's for sure cause if you bytching about a damn gift lawd knows you gonna be giving me migrane headaches bytching about everything for the next 50 years.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:20
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.
I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.
Yes! I know its so hard to explain how I feel eloquently. But its the effort and the thought he put into planning this. He just did not plan! At all! Even though he had one year +!
Its not really about the cost. If he was a blue collar worker and he planned and saved and worked hard to get me the best 1k ring he could, I'd be so touched! What bugs me about my bf is that...I have set a reasonable standard; a decent ring for the middle range of what he can afford; nothing too flashy but nothing too shabby. In reality, he should go a little above to show that he cares and because as his girl/wife i deserve the best!
Instead, he wants to just do it last minute with as little thought as possible. And....because I know him, I even emphasized it to him, "sweetie, i love you! whatever you give me will be beautiful and a symbol of our love and i will wear it proudly and forever! so i want a nice ring"
and he always responds with "but rings are soo expensive"
The 2 bolded parts contradict each other...sorry. You can't say "whatever you give me " and than dictate what you want.....unless you really mean't to say "whatever you give me has to be beautiful and a symbol of our love so that I will wear it proudly" ...lol...
Well, because I will wear it forever and it will serve as a symbol of our love to others, he should WANT to get me something nice.
I always do that for him. There's a place to skimp and save and coupon buy but some things aren't for that. I'd never get him a wallet for his birthday from Wal-Mart. Its something I want him to have for a while and I want it to be good quality and durable so I will probably go to Nordstrom and get him the best I can afford. If it is more than my monthly budget, I will save for it a few months in advance.
Its one thing if he wants to get me shoes for the fall from the sale rack. An engagement ring? I'd hope he'd put more thought into it.
Anonymous
10/27/2015 10:15
Subject: Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh I can understand wanting one in the range you are looking at. You wear it for the rest of your life in most cases and it should be something you like. He is being insensitive by saying that he just wants to use what he has right now.
I feel for you OP. It sounds like you actually care about the lack of effort, not the money spent. I'd have a talk about that because it will manifest itself in other ways throughout your relationship, believe me.
Yes! I know its so hard to explain how I feel eloquently. But its the effort and the thought he put into planning this. He just did not plan! At all! Even though he had one year +!
Its not really about the cost. If he was a blue collar worker and he planned and saved and worked hard to get me the best 1k ring he could, I'd be so touched! What bugs me about my bf is that...I have set a reasonable standard; a decent ring for the middle range of what he can afford; nothing too flashy but nothing too shabby. In reality, he should go a little above to show that he cares and because as his girl/wife i deserve the best!
Instead, he wants to just do it last minute with as little thought as possible. And....because I know him, I even emphasized it to him, "sweetie, i love you! whatever you give me will be beautiful and a symbol of our love and i will wear it proudly and forever! so i want a nice ring"
and he always responds with "but rings are soo expensive"
The 2 bolded parts contradict each other...sorry. You can't say "whatever you give me " and than dictate what you want.....unless you really mean't to say "whatever you give me has to be beautiful and a symbol of our love so that I will wear it proudly" ...lol...