Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We'll never get "credit" because I don't want to marry and see no need for it. We've been living together for 16 years, raising our kids, sharing our lives, weathering illness, midlife crises, the usual ups and downs. It feels the same to me as when I was legally married to another person. But what do I know. What do people around the world know who live as committed couples, but whose cultures and beliefs don't require the kind of paperwork you need.

Who even asks such personal questions? In 20 years together, I only remember maybe a couple of people ever asking how we met, and no one ever asking how long we'd been married. Maybe this is something young people from narrow, rigid backgrounds care about?

We get asked this every.single.time. Pp here who lived together for 20 yrs and been married for 8. Basically it is the second question asked after we get asked how long we have "been together." Almost no one asks how long we have been married.

DH and I are different races so maybe that is why? Who knows...

We're different races, too. (This is the PP you were responding to.) I think it's the circles we run in. We also never get asked about religion, and yet I hear of people in the South who get asked that question all the time.

Does this really bother you? It seems like a very trivial issue to me.

asking someone how they met is much more personal than asking how long they have been married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We'll never get "credit" because I don't want to marry and see no need for it. We've been living together for 16 years, raising our kids, sharing our lives, weathering illness, midlife crises, the usual ups and downs. It feels the same to me as when I was legally married to another person. But what do I know. What do people around the world know who live as committed couples, but whose cultures and beliefs don't require the kind of paperwork you need.

Who even asks such personal questions? In 20 years together, I only remember maybe a couple of people ever asking how we met, and no one ever asking how long we'd been married. Maybe this is something young people from narrow, rigid backgrounds care about?

We get asked this every.single.time. Pp here who lived together for 20 yrs and been married for 8. Basically it is the second question asked after we get asked how long we have "been together." Almost no one asks how long we have been married.

DH and I are different races so maybe that is why? Who knows...

Or bc DH is an "old money, Ivy League, WASP"? - I don't know.

Anonymous wrote:We'll never get "credit" because I don't want to marry and see no need for it. We've been living together for 16 years, raising our kids, sharing our lives, weathering illness, midlife crises, the usual ups and downs. It feels the same to me as when I was legally married to another person. But what do I know. What do people around the world know who live as committed couples, but whose cultures and beliefs don't require the kind of paperwork you need.

Who even asks such personal questions? In 20 years together, I only remember maybe a couple of people ever asking how we met, and no one ever asking how long we'd been married. Maybe this is something young people from narrow, rigid backgrounds care about?

We get asked this every.single.time. Pp here who lived together for 20 yrs and been married for 8. Basically it is the second question asked after we get asked how long we have "been together." Almost no one asks how long we have been married.

DH and I are different races so maybe that is why? Who knows...

We'll never get "credit" because I don't want to marry and see no need for it. We've been living together for 16 years, raising our kids, sharing our lives, weathering illness, midlife crises, the usual ups and downs. It feels the same to me as when I was legally married to another person. But what do I know. What do people around the world know who live as committed couples, but whose cultures and beliefs don't require the kind of paperwork you need.

Who even asks such personal questions? In 20 years together, I only remember maybe a couple of people ever asking how we met, and no one ever asking how long we'd been married. Maybe this is something young people from narrow, rigid backgrounds care about?

We were together in a committed fashion for 2 years before we got married. This was not "uncommitted dating". We could not marry at the time because I was finishing up school overseas and her family would not have allowed it. We dated before that but I don't include that time period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met my spouse when we were 18 so I think telling people how long we've been together is a fun fact. We waited until we were 26 to get married. So less of a competition and more of a personal anecdote.

Similar. We met first week of school sophomore year in hs and have been together ever since. We have been married longer than we dated, 17 years versus 7, but altogether it has been almost 25 years and that surprises people. Esp since we are not evdn 40 yet. Just part of our story.

I'm someone that enjoys that context. I have one co-worker with a similar story. What makes it funny is when his kids start dating as high schoolers. He can't just say oh young love never lasts because clearly it did for them. It's also pretty darned amazing to meet someone before you know what you will do when you grown up and have to be a responsible adult and manage to change together, grow together, and stay together.

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about the ages of the people who think it is wrong to take "credit" for years before marriage. I think I'm too old for this website. It's been entertaining, but I'm done. Bye!

I'm starting to wonder the same thing. Who thinks in terms of "credit" for marriage? Why is everything a competition? It all sounds like junior high.

It is entertaining, but it's also kind of disturbing that so many people see the world in the terms they see it -- that everything is some kind of weird beauty contest/competition over random things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A study came out that people who date 4+ years before marriage are more likely to get divorced.

Then several people on this thread contradict that study.

So far... But odds aren't in their future that it will last.

correlation does not equal causation. First of all, I don't think that the statistics are that much higher given that the rate of divorce is high in general -- so odds are 50 percent of marriages, regardless of how long they dated, won't last.

Second of all, correlation does not equal causation. My suspicion is that people who dated a long time before marrying have more financial independence, so they are less likely to stay in an unhappy marriage because of finances. I know examples of this -- people who married young and married quickly who are not happy in their marriages but won't even mention divorce because they are financially co-dependent to the point that divorce would mean a dramatic change in their quality of life. But most people who date a long time before marrying are also a little bit older, so in those cases, they have supported themselves financially before getting married. So there is less of a need to stay in an unhappy marriage.

I think marriage/divorce is complex. So "studies" like the one you are referring to don't get at all of the nuances. The reality is that a lot of people stay in unhappy marriages for a number of reasons, so simply saying that statistically a couple who dates more than 4 years before getting married is slightly more likely to get divorce doesn't mean that if you marry faster, you are more likely to have a happy marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Why is it that when some people are asked how long they have been married, they state something like this " married five years but have been together for 10 years".

Nobody asked how long you have been together in an unofficial capacity.
Seems these people are playing some sort of game, like they are trying to make it seem they have been married longer.
It is not a contest.
I asked how long you have been MARRIED. Not uncommitted dating.

We have friends who got married years after us, yet they brag that they have been "together" since high school. Uhm, well you broke up for years and dated others, nice try though.

Why on earth do you care? Some people like to provide extra context. You can ignore it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have time to fret about this, you're probably a loser.

It means I live a life of luxury and get to be a SAHM.

If you are that privileged and use your time to judge others and troll, you are a loser.

Anonymous wrote:I met my spouse when we were 18 so I think telling people how long we've been together is a fun fact. We waited until we were 26 to get married. So less of a competition and more of a personal anecdote.

Similar. We met first week of school sophomore year in hs and have been together ever since. We have been married longer than we dated, 17 years versus 7, but altogether it has been almost 25 years and that surprises people. Esp since we are not evdn 40 yet. Just part of our story.

I don't know if I tell strangers hoe long we have been together if they ask how long we have been married. However to DH, I might say, imagine we have been together 18 years. It boggles the mind to think we were right out of college, met randomly at a party, think wow cute guy/cute girl, and now x years later have two kids, a mortgage, have built this life together, still going strong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you may be thinking of me? In the Angie and Brad thread?

I answer that DH and I have been together 11 years though married six because that's very different than someone who's been married six years but met their spouse three months prior. There's a different base there.

I tend to lose respect quickly for people who date so long. They have completely different priorities and morals than I do.

Agree, if he really loves you..... He will marry you asap.

Hmm... What if you refuse to marry him because you want to finish grad school and don't want to be a 22 year old bride? So you date more than 4 years and go on to have a 15 year marriage (so far). I guess he eventually grew to love me. Or perhaps I am just doomed for divorce. Certainly when we bicker over laundry it feels like it ?

That is your choice. But you can't take credit for the unmarried years.

What can I buy with my credits?

Lol!