Anonymous wrote:Anyone been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah at Adas Israel?

Sure, a lot of them. There's a very long/useful guide on the website for parents. I was surprised to read that only one aliyah is required, since most of the kids I've seen have done more. I've been really impressed by their skills in general. And the onegs vary significantly from "normal congregational oneg" to "crazy expensive/amazing." I have no idea to what extent the kids are doing parties that evening. I would guess that varies as well.

Tell me about the most over the top bar/bat mitzvah you attended?

Anyone been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah at Adas Israel?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way as the pp. I would love to be part of the community, but being shaken down for dues, tuition, and then having to humiliate my kids by throwing a shabby bar mitzvah. No thanks. I think American Jews need to rethink their approach to all this.

Agreed.
These extravagant parties are ridiculous in their opulence and make a mockery of the religious aspect of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

I am in my late 30s and have never been to an extravagant bar mitzvah. All have been very low key. Can you please post what shut you belong to where people feel they need to throw extravagant parties?

Synagogues in Rockville, Chevy Chase, Bethesda, Potomac, DC, N. NJ, Long Island, NY, Philadelphia (Chestnut Hill) and Main Line ...
I am in my late 40s and I have only been to extravagant parties for bar and bat mitzvahs. The services are usually lovely full of tradition and spirituality. But the parties that follow are embarrassing in their extravagance and focus on spending.

Mid 40's here, and me too but in south FL. The level of decor, food, clothing (the last one the girl was sporting a Chanel dress and her first pair of CL heels - jewel-encrusted, naturally), entertainment, swag, etc. is really pretty unbelievable. I think they found no irony in her speech when she talked about being so proud of raising a few hundred dollars for the chosen cause for her mitzvah project.

I experienced exactly the same situation! I have the most lovely niece who had her Bat Mitzvah last year. Her mitzvah project was to raise money for homeless children via a well known charity. She raised a bit under $300 and my brother and sister-n-law would not stop telling all the guests at their $42K reception that their daughter "just wished she could have raised more". The irony of the extravagance of the event was shameful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bar Mitzvah simply means when a boy is 13 years old and reads from the Torah the first time before the assembled congregation--he joins the Jewish community. That's it. No parties, no celebrations, no nothing. All the rest of it is bullshit that has been tacked on for social/cultural reasons which at this point only an insane person wouldn't recognize are completely antithetical to any notion of spirituality or meaning.

The only reason there is "years of schooling" is because the typical American Jew is "illiterate" in the Hebrew language and culture and has to be educated to a certain minimal level before going through this now-ostentatiously ridiculous ceremonial process.

Nevertheless the years of training is not actually a requirement. All that is required is turning age 13 and reading from the Torah before the congregation.

But you can't read from the Torah before the congregation without years of training. That's true for every Jew everywhere, not just American Jews. You can't just go up there and start reading, no matter how fluent you are at reading Hebrew and how much you know about Jewish culture(s).

Wrong.

You ever hear of an adult bar/bat mitzvah class?

Or for people who convert (reform/reconstructionist)?

There's a few months of lessons. Then there's a group bar/bat mitzvah. No huge ridiculous obscenely expensive party is necessary. No years and years of training is necessary. As a matter of fact, there are older jews who never got the chance to go to religious school. Sometimes if they are getting on in years, maybe have a fatal illness, they can get a bar/bat mitzvah just by basically saying a few prayers and going through a ceremony. If they can't speak Hebrew and even if they don't understand what it means, they can use a phonetic transliteration. All of these non conventional bar/bat mitvahs are every bit as valid as a kid's, if not very more so, since an adult who has lived through the trials of life may have more value to the service than some idiot spoiled kid who only cares about how much money they will get in presents and how impressed their friends will be.

It is absolutely INSANE to spend thousands or TENS of thousands of dollars on what is basically a glorified birthday party given by ego-tripping adults. It has NOTHING to do with religion.

Our party was very, very fun. Kiddish standard kosher meal for 80, evening house party not kosher. Perhaps 25 kids, some family, and our close friends. Maybe 70. I had servers I the house and food from a local restaurant. Rented some tables etc. came in at maybe $5k.


OP here- I would love to do this but our house is way too small Will look into renting a space at the local community center or something. We are in MA by the way, not the DC area.

Anonymous wrote:Beth Chai poster does Sunday School meet every Sunday?

Yes it does (well, most Sunday's...).

http://www.bethchai.org/index.shtml

Beth Chai poster does Sunday School meet every Sunday?

Public service announcement for those of you who are seeking a low-key temple that values the Bar/Bat Mitzvah process as a rite of passage, not as a huge show-off party: try Beth Chai in Bethesda.

We are members there and love the temple and the emphasis on community and social values.

Why does it have to be kosher? Often the Temple/Synagogue itself is kosher, but are there really that many families who keep kosher? Would these kids not come to a regular birthday party at your house, for example?

Anonymous wrote:
BTW, we are at Micah for the PP who asked specifically about Temple Micah. Have been to many BMs for there. They tend to be less elaborate than WHC or Sinai but totally run the gamut. I have been to country club parties, but also kids parties at the local rec center with pizza and a DJ. Some people just do lunch after services and that's it. Have also seen people do the upstairs room at Guapos mexican food. No pressure from the Micah community, although I think people often feel pressure from their own families of origin to do what is "expected" in their family.

We're also at Micah and have seen a full range of celebrations for bar and bat mitzvahs. Some are fancier/more expensive, some are quite casual, and all are accepted within the community. Hosting an oneg at the temple for everyone who attends the service is expected, but that has a range and can definitely be as casual as the Friday night onegs.
Hosting an oneg at the temple for everyone who attends the service is expected, but that has a range and can definitely be as casual as the Friday night onegs.
I think some kids only had the oneg after the service, and that was no problem. Some had the party at the temple (we strongly considered that, but our bar mitzvah date made that difficult). Having it at a restaurant is fairly common (and the restaurants ranged from less expensive - there were several at Guapo's and we enjoyed those - to more so). We had it at a hotel, because we have a very large extended family spread out across the country that was looking forward to getting together for a happy occasion, and we were so glad to have them all there, but we saved on it by making it an afternoon party (right after the oneg) instead of an evening party, and keeping the food simple.
A couple of students did a trip to Israel instead of a celebration.
There was no pressure to have a celebration be a certain way.

OP rent a room at a community center for 1k rent chairs tables for another 1k do brunch type food eggs waffles fruit no meat to make it parve the food will be 5k at most involve some of kid's friends into hanging balloons. Buy your own drinks and alcohol. You can get a DJ for $500 not sure why you need a photographer but you can get one from Craigslist for about $500. Family will need to hep with cleaning. <10k

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible to do a great, fun party after the ceremony for 150 guests for 10K or is that totally unrealistic? Looking at a dinner, kosher caterer and a good DJ...

The crazy pepople came out. Sorry.

OP, sit down dinner is expensive, and 150 is a lot of people, though I understand how you get there. you probably have to budge on the numbers or on the dinner.

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way as the pp. I would love to be part of the community, but being shaken down for dues, tuition, and then having to humiliate my kids by throwing a shabby bar mitzvah. No thanks. I think American Jews need to rethink their approach to all this.

It is only "shabby" if that is where your own head is. I threw the standard all comers kiddish and everyone was lovely to me while eating my food, but I suspect you would have called it shabby. Join a community that suits your taste.

And my kid had a blast. He is very proud of all the work he did to prepare for that day. That is what he remembers most, not the party.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone name a DC area reform synagogue where spending 20k plus is not norm/where people biz things up more? I am considering starting my 5 yo at temple Micah. In general I dread the bm scene. Every party I've been to in recent years struck me as not teaching great lessons about money, what matters, etc--no matter how meaningful the religious component of things may have been, and notwithstanding he obvious value of having ones nearest and dearest gather.... I would love to hear destinations of actual celebrations that did not involve Djs and overpriced dinners. I would love to do something more like lung at the synagogue, a smaller dinner for the very nearest and dearest and maybe spent the saved money on a trip to Israel or some sort of giving or service.

Try ETZ hayim.